What is she feeling?

[4evrHZdtr3]

About her asking my opinion that was just weird so ya maybe there was something else up with that. I guess it really doesn't matter what.

 

It only "doesn't matter what" if it's your personal need to know. It matters very much if you knowing it will help you to love and serve her.

 

 I was caught off guard.

This happens to all of us. the way to stop that is to keep pressing in to Christ-like growth. Example: today I was driving. My light had turned green and just as i started to pull forward, a car ran the red light FAST.. and I had to hit the brakes hard. I have had along, hard, confusing high pressure day. I was very, very tired when this happened. but I noticed that my foot automatically and smoothly hit the brake and i didn't get upset at all. I didn't yell, exclaim, worry or panic. I just handled it. My daughter on the other hand started hyperventilating and acting traumatized. What was the difference between us? Though something potentially deadly and scary happened that caught me off guard on a day that was already a bad day, it had no power over me because I have been praying off and on all day and very importantly because I have practiced good defensive driving skills hundreds of times. It came automatically. My daughter had not been praying and has never driven. It had much more power over her.

[ponyboy3399]

4ever I can definitely relate. I have to look at my actions on a daily basis. I am not there yet but I'm still working.

 

As for R's actions I guess it would be nice to know why she asked me so maybe there is some way I can help her. I don't know if I need to know.

 

My lovely wife has been very kind to me lately and I find that so encouraging. I do have my down moments but I know I need to be in the word more. That does wonders for my spiritual growth.

 

I need to pray for her more too. That God will be merciful and gracious to both of us and our children because we need it so dearly. Its a hard road to walk down and I think about giving up often. By God's grace I'm still here.

[4evrHZdtr3]

It's really easy to be mistaken on a forum or in a text or email but i get the 'feeling' from your choice of words that you still are kind of riding around in a bumper car trying to avoid crashing and kind of not certain which end is up? You seem disconnected...and you seem to be held together by "should ' thoughts instead of by your relationship to God and your understanding that His Word is his conversation with you,,,hmmm

 

The hardest roads are made incredibly easy- even fun - when we are walking down them with a companion who is guiding, encouraging and strengthening us... with whom we share private moments, memories and laughter.. that can be our relationship w God.. if we so choose.

[ponyboy3399]

Well it was a tough one today. Just found out that R's boyfriend spanked my son today. Initially I felt really angry. I don't think that's appropriate but I know I've done a lot of inappropriate things. I don't think it's right I'll be honest but I know legally I don't think there is much I can do. I do trust that she's not going to let this guy do anything to hurt my kids. I'm thinking of writing her an email asking if we could talk before we bring in another disciplinarian. Any thoughts?

[TimothyPaul]

Spanking isn't discipline it's punishment. It's very rarely the right approach.

 

I think you should talk to her about it. It's not the bf's place to spank your child, regardless of the circumstances.

 

Is spanking a form of discipline you and she agree upon, and is it something you have done in the past?

 

Also, don't communicate while your upset. Your emotions may get the better of you and give Satan an opportunity to slip into your tongue

[ponyboy3399]

We spank always have. My thoughts are that the only thing I can really do is express that I don't approve of the bf spanking. I don't feel that she's really going to care about how I feel nor would I blame her. She feels the need to replace me right now. My guess is in her mind the issues my son are having are my fault which is why she decided to go over to the nanny's house after I said I would take care of it. I don't like how she's ushering him so quickly into a parenting role but I can't stop it. Part of me wonders if she wants me to say something.

[4evrHZdtr3]

 She feels the need to replace me right now. My guess is in her mind the issues my son are having are my fault which is why she decided to go over to the nanny's house after I said I would take care of it.  Part of me wonders if she wants me to say something.

 

This must be a lot of torment for you- trying to guess what she thinks or feels. Why don't you just ask her what she thinks or feels?

 

 

 My guess is in her mind the issues my son are having are my fault which is why she decided to go over to the nanny's house after I said I would take care of it.

 Same thing here.. ask her why she went over.. For one thing, if you look at this from her perspective, you saying you would take care of it does not re-assure her or make her feel safe. If she is like most mothers and women, she wants something specific and she wants it now- not a generic: "I'll take care of it." In your mind, when you said those words, you meant it and it was as good as taken care of- not in her mind.. so how could you have conveyed that differently to her so that she didn't feel the need to go take care of it herself?

[ponyboy3399]

Just to be clear I didn't actually say the words I'll take care of it"... Well I could have but we actually spoke at length that day about different punishments we should employ. I specifically said I was going to spank my son that evening after I picked him up. I explained we would be attending church that evening and that he would not be allowed to play on the playground. That was where my confusion came from. It didn't seem necessary for her to go over there that day. 

 

I did send her an email kindly saying that I felt uncomfortable with the bf spanking the kids but I understood that she might not. I suggested we leave physical discipline to the biological parent and then I asked her what she felt. She never replied to that email but she came back the next day with an email blasting me for sending my kid to school sick. I did do that but I didn't do it maliciously I just thought it was the right move. I tried to express that to her and admitted it probably wasn't the right aproach. She kept comming back with more fuel and I just tried to love her in an understanding way. I'm not sure how I did. If anyone wants me to post the email chain I can. 

 

She ended up calling me on the phone switching subjects telling me that my daughter was having some constipation issues and that I needed to pick some stuff up at the pharmacy. Then she kind of told me that she wasn't trying to accuse me of anything and that she was just concerned about the kids. I didn't want to make excuses but I wanted to explain why I took my son to school and why last week i took my daughter to church. I explained that I really just want to be good co parents and I would do whatever I can to make that happen but that I was not purposely trying to upset her. She was very agreeable and kind all of the sudden on the phone which I really appreciated. I can't remember how we got on the subject but I had asked her if she had read my email and then I expressed what I wrote in the email stated I know she may feel differently but I thought it would be best for us to handle the discipline. She said she felt that she may have acted to quickly letting her bf spank although I don't know if she was saying it was going to stop. I know she's allowed to discipline how she feels fit so I will no longer mention it but I felt it was best for her to know how I feel. 

 

I know a lot of the phone conversation was about me. Honestly I don't remember it in detail I may have asked her how she felt about everything but I'm not sure. I know in the email I tried to asses more of that but next time I'll try and do it in more detail. 

 

Any other suggestions?

Edited November 2, 2013 by ponyboy3399

[ponyboy3399]

Well I'm still here just not much to report. I was treated kindly by her and her boyfriend yesterday when I went to pick up the kids. I went out and bought some of my own shoes and clothes for the kids. My biggest problem right now is trying to stay organized. It's hard with 3 kids but I know that I need to start making more of a schedule. This last weekend was sort of hard not really sure why but I'm recovering. Still just taking it a day at a time. Trying to reach out to God and lean on him. Still coming to grips with what I did to my family but it is liberating at the same time. I'm only a year into this but I feel like I'm making progress.

[4evrHZdtr3]

Can you share more about where you think you are making progress? Is there anything in the Word that you are reading that jumps out at you? Can you think about why the weekend was hard and what- specifically- you might do different to make it easier?

[ponyboy3399]

Actually in some ways I'm falling back into my old ways. I would say I'm making progress as I am recognizing the patterns and realizing I can't keep falling into them. I'm recognizing that I still have to die to my pride. There are often things that jump out at me in the word. Recently I was reading in 1st and second Peter and a couple verses jumped out at me. One in particular was 1 Peter 5:6-11:
 

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

 

This weekend I was thinking a lot about my circumstances. It got me down and depressed. I was sad depressed lonely and miserable. Weeks prior to this I could think about my circumstances and I would still stand strong. Here is what I think happened: In one word I'd say it was pride. I let the enemy tell me what I deserved and slowly I started to let a little sin creep in. I'll be honest it felt great!!!... for a while. I was actually thinking about it this morning and then it hit me.

 

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

 

When we want to live without God in our lives he lets us. I am finding out over and over how much I need His love mercy and grace. His grace is something I am continually learning to understand day after day.

 

I'll be honest I completely desire to be this great man of God but I'm not there yet. I keep falling but instead of telling myself "I'm not going to get there this is impossible" I just dust myself off and say "Okay God I screwed up humble me break me (Very difficult prayer) and lets continue this journey. I realize everyday that God is taking me through this for a reason and I know if I stay with Him there is complete joy and peace awaiting me.

[4evrHZdtr3]

It's really good that you are dusting yourself off and getting back up with less shame. Shame is the flip side of pride- or pride in disguise. You are absolutely right that God lets us have whatever we choose! Galatians talks about that. When we sow to the flesh we reap corruption....

 

Ask anyone who has made the hard choices to grow up - and to grow up in God and you will hear the same story as you are telling. "I am recognizing more and more when I am thinking wrong, or acting wrong and instead of staying there, i get back up, admit it and try again."

 

Sinful thoughts are often fun! and sometimes they do feel good!! But when we realize that we are experiencing fleeting pleasure or laughter or elevated (pride!) feelings at the expense of the love, intimacy and connection with God, we begin to repent. In marriage, when the husband- or wife- entertains those feelings at the expense of hurting their beloved, separation and disaster follow.

[ponyboy3399]

Staying consistent is my battle now but I'm not giving up. What has been my problem in the past is while I'm hurting I'll say to myself I need to get into the word of God. I know it will get me through this. Then I open my bible and read for 10 or 15 minutes and nothing happens. There are other times when I've had great victory over sin. Then suddenly one day sin creeps up again. So I start preparing for the axe to fall in the morning and guess what? Nothing happens. Sometimes I even believe the lie "I got away with it!!!" I heard a sermon a while back and something that was said really clicked. We don't reap and sow in the same season. That is definitely true. While reading my bible once while I'm feeling down doesn't always help staying consistent in my spiritual discipline will have lasting affects on my spiritual well being. While I may get away with sin for a couple weeks it will have its consequences as I stray further from my shepherd and become lost. I need to put on the armor of God every day that's whats going to get me through this. That's what I believe God is trying to show me. I'm realizing that God's not putting me through this because I was a bad husband and this is what happens to bad husbands. He's allowing me to go through this because He loves me and wants only the best for me. He wants reconciliation.

[4evrHZdtr3]

  Yes!

 

That's what I believe God is trying to show me. I'm realizing that God's not putting me through this because I was a bad husband and this is what happens to bad husbands. He's allowing me to go through this because He loves me and wants only the best for me. He wants reconciliation.

Reconciliation first with Him- who he really is.. and then with people!

[ponyboy3399]

Well just found out that she's getting married in 2 weeks but I'm still going to stand because it's what I feel convicted to do. I think the kids are going to be okay. I don't talk to them about it because I don't really know the right thing to say but luckily they don't bring it up to often or ask a lot of questions. My oldest told me tonight actually he prayed that God will help him to be a pastor. That touched me hearing that. We also were looking for his flip flops tonight and when we found them on his own I heard him thanking God.I feel the Lord at work in my life even now and I guess right now I'm just going to lean on Him. It makes things a whole lot easier when I do. Any other thoughts?

[JoelandKathy]

Well, getting married in two weeks. She moves quickly. You can't really "stand" for the marriage, per se, when she is married to someone else. But Ken Nair shares the experience in his book that you have probably read: a woman got married and went on her honeymoon to Hawaii or some other exotic place. It was great and the man treated her great - but on the way home she said, "I made a mistake. I can't be married to you. I have to go back to my husband."  So anything is possible - but you can't aggresively stand for the marriage per se. You can focus on blessing your kids though - and so cool about your son saying those things.

[ponyboy3399]

Yes I have read Ken's book. I don't plan on actively perusing her (gifts cards etc.) But I realize that a large part of where she is at is due to the way I treated her. I want to be a better man for Christ. If she sees that I'm here. If she doesn't I believe I'll be in a place where it won't even matter.

[MaryJane]

Yes, I agree, lean on the Lord.  Get to know Him well.  Receive His Love.

[ponyboy3399]

Well she married last week I found out. I'm deeply saddened but I know I will make it with Gods help. I hope in some way I may still be able to help heal her of her hurt.

[ponyboy3399]

This weekend when I was over she referenced her bed using the words "our bed" (referring to her and the other guy). I don't think she said it to hurt me but it stung. I know she thinks there's nothing wrong with it now because they're married and I'm not judging her either just confused. We have been being kind to one another lately and that does bring me some healing but it hurts at the same time because it becomes more and more evident that we are more than grown apart. More than having my wife back I desire seeing R healed and in the presence of Christ. When I look into her eyes sometimes I can still see the pain I've caused her which hurts too. I don't know what to do sometimes my mood changes so abruptly. Whenever I get an email from her my heart sinks because I try so hard to put her out of my mind. Please someone tell me it gets easier.

[Charles from Cali]

It gets easier..... Trust me... I know exactly what you are going through... What works for me is this.....

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:13, 14 KJV)

Forgetting ...... All you have is now... You don't even have tomorrow... Your wife is remarried.. Mine is now my ex and already living with another man....

We can either continuously kick ourselves in the head for past mistakes or put our Today in a headlock and be like Christ... It's not easy... But if you get today right... Tomorrow will be that much easier because you are focused on your CURRENT help in the time of trouble...

Only God knows what the future holds... And He isn't surprised that you're here now...

I heard something on TV one day....

It's unsafe to drive forward looking in the rear view mirror.... While you're driving.. You occasionally have to look in the mirrors to see where you left.. Not to see where you're going..

God bless my man..... If you always carry around your memories of mistakes and regrets.. Your hands will be too full for God to put anything new in them

PLUS.. When you get it together.. You'll actually be Gods representation if and when she has a need.. Married or not... You can be Gods extension of unconditional, no strings attached love

Edited December 13, 2013 by Charles from Cali

[ponyboy3399]

Thanks Charles! Wasn't sure if anyone listened anymore. Your right though and I appreciate it. Most of the time when I'm in tears it's not for her anymore it's for how I've neglected my Lord and savior so much. I know that God has both of us in his hands and that somehow this will all work for His glory.

[MaryJane]

He IS good at turning lives around (God is). Look at Paul the apostle!

 

I'm sorry for you, ponyboy. However, God's plans are all Plan A. That's not exactly Bible, but I think it's true -- of course, only as you walk with Him.

[ponyboy3399]

Been kind of strange lately. R has been very kind to me even joking around a little. I think she may be starting to heal and forgive.

[ChooseLove]

Thanks Charles! Wasn't sure if anyone listened anymore. Your right though and I appreciate it. Most of the time when I'm in tears it's not for her anymore it's for how I've neglected my Lord and savior so much. I know that God has both of us in his hands and that somehow this will all work for His glory.

Thanks for sharing your journey.  As a man working on restoring my marriage, winning my wife's heart back it is humbling to see what you have gone through.  I am glad to see you on the forums and pray you continue to be healed and bring her healing.  God bless you.