Formerly "Seperated" - Now working together toward an outrageously happy marriage!

[jenisy]

Hi, this is Chontel Cory's wife. so we started a class where we are watching videos of Kathy and Joel for 12 weeks at our church thru a awesome couple whose marriage has been restored thru this program. i was pretty skeptical at first and had given up all hope. we borrowed the first book and i am on chap 10. my hubby started reading it first and i read 9 chap in two days. i couldn't believe the validation and truth i found. it was suggested that i get on the forums asap.

basically i love my husband..but.. he has hurt me a lot.

We met when we were new Christians and i fell for him quickly. we had a hard time staying pure and felt really bad about it. we got pregnant after only 4 months of knowing each other and got married 5 months later. he was terrible during my pregnancy. he wouldnt touch me sexually and this made me feel so disgusting and rejected. he was obsessed and addicted to playing video games. i mean serious neglect. video games where the other woman. he moved me to his home town which is very small. like blink and its gone. i had very few friends or family and felt very alone. thank God i had my church near by, however i was too ashamed and accepted blame for how i was being treated...denial. he never rubbed my feet or got me craving foods. he was really anal about everything and expected me to raise his other son every other week with no help from him. he was selfish, lazy, and immature. then when i was 8 months preg he began to drink a lot. i was in recovery for 3 yrs at this time and saw red flags. i didn't stick to my guns because suggesting anything to him would be like asking him to do the opposite. i went to bars with him trying to have "fun". it was terrible tho, i was sober and pregnant around all these ppl being crazy and all i wanted was to be at home preparing for us to become a happy stable family.. he would go out with his best friend who is a girl and get trashed. then i was the psycho for yelling and crying about it.

then... he told me he had been getting into porn. i felt so hurt betrayed and rejected. when our baby boy was born things got worst. he was very selfish and barley helped with anything. he actually left to go play poker while i was in the hopital just after i gave birth. i felt like i was living with a teenage boy. i would have to beg and nag weeks to get him to take the trash out or wash a dish.

then... haha... it got worst. he got into drugs again... at first i went against my intuition and tried to accept that he was just having fun... he eventually spent every dime we had. lost everything and created a mountain of debt... he got kicked out of my moms who we were living with since he lost our apt. he dropped out of college he had just started and would disappear for days on end. he never answered my calls and was MIA..

i was a single mom, enabler and believed that if i loved him enough and prayed harder it would get better. needless to say i did so many stupid crazy things trying to get thru to him... but i guess if other couples can make it so can we. cory told me so many lies and i had been so deceived, too many times to believe in this program. i thought it was another ploy.. but its for real and i really like what i have seen in him so far. that special part of him i saw when we first dated is coming back. that awesome mighty warrior of god is coming back! I hope to stay...It is terribly painful being separated tho.. i know it has to be this way and he doesnt have any financial means to support our family or get a home. i get discouraged feeling like i will be forever in this unatural joke of a marriage. we are 23 yrs old.. and screwed up alot. i am trying to guard my heart and it is really hard with him. its been over 2 months since we lived together. since he is sober and working i do see him more and he is helping with both his boys now. i just miss him and im terrified this wont be true consitent change and i will be forced to divorce.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

You have come to the right place!

 

I was pregnant and abandoned by my husband, too...to I can understand how you feel. I even had to move in with my parents because my husband wouldn't work, he just wanted to have fun and live his life...leaving us with nothing. He didn't care.

 

But, we found this ministry almost exactly a year ago today, and even though it has been a long road that included me having to divorce him, we have made it! We are getting married at Joel and Kathy's house on Saturday! My husband treated me so badly...cheating on me while I was pregnant with both of our children. Leaving me penniless and forced to move in with my mom while he lived in another state pursuing woman and whatever other hobby he enjoyed at the moment. It was terrible! He was so abusive in so many ways. I can't even believe that the man that I am marrying on Saturday is the same man I was married to a year ago.

 

You have definitely found the right place. If your marriage can be restored (and it CAN...your husband just has to choose to do it, and then give his entire life up to God), then it will be restored here. Sometimes, as a woman, you will have to make some tough choices in order to bring your husband to a place where he can change. For me, it was going dark and divorcing...but I would do it all over again if I had to in order to see my husband become the man of God that he was always destined to be. Fortunately for you, your husband is willing to do this, and wanting to participate in the ministry! That is great!

 

Hang in there and let your husband PROVE to you how different he is. And while i know it is hard to be away from him (trust me, oh how I know), make sure to take your time and let him PROVE to you that he is in this for the long haul. Anyone can be good for a month or two months...to hang in there for months on end is the results of a man who is really doing the hard work of changing. Also, MAKE him get you two a place before you will live with him again. Don't allow him to come stay with you at your mom's. Nope...he needs to begin being financially responsible for you and his children. These men won't grow up until you accept nothing less than their complete accountability.

 

Hang in there! And welcome to the forum!

 

Take Care,

Julie

[jenisy]

You have come to the right place!

 

I was pregnant and abandoned by my husband, too...to I can understand how you feel. I even had to move in with my parents because my husband wouldn't work, he just wanted to have fun and live his life...leaving us with nothing. He didn't care.

 

But, we found this ministry almost exactly a year ago today, and even though it has been a long road that included me having to divorce him, we have made it! We are getting married at Joel and Kathy's house on Saturday! My husband treated me so badly...cheating on me while I was pregnant with both of our children. Leaving me penniless and forced to move in with my mom while he lived in another state pursuing woman and whatever other hobby he enjoyed at the moment. It was terrible! He was so abusive in so many ways. I can't even believe that the man that I am marrying on Saturday is the same man I was married to a year ago.

 

You have definitely found the right place. If your marriage can be restored (and it CAN...your husband just has to choose to do it, and then give his entire life up to God), then it will be restored here. Sometimes, as a woman, you will have to make some tough choices in order to bring your husband to a place where he can change. For me, it was going dark and divorcing...but I would do it all over again if I had to in order to see my husband become the man of God that he was always destined to be. Fortunately for you, your husband is willing to do this, and wanting to participate in the ministry! That is great!

 

Hang in there and let your husband PROVE to you how different he is. And while i know it is hard to be away from him (trust me, oh how I know), make sure to take your time and let him PROVE to you that he is in this for the long haul. Anyone can be good for a month or two months...to hang in there for months on end is the results of a man who is really doing the hard work of changing. Also, MAKE him get you two a place before you will live with him again. Don't allow him to come stay with you at your mom's. Nope...he needs to begin being financially responsible for you and his children. These men won't grow up until you accept nothing less than their complete accountability.

 

Hang in there! And welcome to the forum!

 

Take Care,

Julie

 

thank you. we were together four days when my mom went out of town and we got really close, he has been helping with our 10month old a lot and helping me whith the house.. yesturday, the last day we were together he didnt do very well and i responded pretty bad. im hurt. i dont know how you forgave your hubby for all that stuff. i cant imagine the day that i will not be hurt anymore and scared of him. he seems to be regressing and it really scares me. im terrified he wont really do this and change. its only been 3 weeks so i guess i shouldnt expect perfection. it just brings up so much insecurity and hurts when he acts selfish and immature. it feels like my heart is ripped out my chest right now. every time i watch the kathy and joel videos or read the book i find so many hurts come up i didnt even know were there. how will it ever be healed? anyway thank you for the encouagement. i just feel down today.

[dory]

Everything you are feeling is entirely understandable. Mrs Clean has been able to heal and forgive faster because her hubby jumped in committed with both feet. But then again keep in mind that Mr Clean HAD to do that, or else live the rest of his life without her. She found the strength she needed from God and from Friends here to make a decision for either a happy marriage or nothing. She rose up and found her value as a beautiful daughter of God and she held out the proverbial STOP sign until Mr Clean saw it too. In doing so, she essentially demanded, with her actions more than her words, that he either turn around and get into this program or stay out of her life. These steps are not for the faint of heart as they are tough steps for any woman, much less wounded ones.

 

But as they say, "the bigger the battle, the bigger the booty".

 

So Mrs Clean really s a great source of inspiration. In fact, this link is a great testimony of their story - shared the day after their re-marriage.

 

Blessings...

[Giving Hope]

Hi Jenisy

 

A little "birdie" ask me to look over your thread, so hear I am! You'll thank her later for it..I am sure!

 

Welcome to J&K land..aka... Our Marriage Ministry...

 

WOW! In just a short period of time there has been alot of damage to your heart...and I want to say first, that what you are feeling is totally normal and compelety understandable..after all you are married to a 3 year old emotionally.

 

I think that you already understand where you went wrong at...so that's water under the bridge now...so let's work on today and getting this marriage back on the right track and working together towards an OHM!

 

Sounds like your husabnd (in some way's resemables mine as well, espcially with the video games)is a pretty passive guy..and if my own husband can overcome that..than so can yours...but you are going to have to be tough and strong..standing on his feet and holding him accountable to his actions and words...Dealing with passive guys...it's a long and frustrating battle...but one that is worth it in the long run...

 

By the way..we would love for you guys to join us on our Wednesday night calls..it starts at 9pm eastern time..I'll get the number and passcode for you shorlty.

 

So where do the two of you stand today? Is your husband involved at all in learning how to become a great husband? (I get the feeling that he is but still holds some reservations as well).

 

The first thing that I am going to ask of you is to sit down and get a vision of what YOU want your marriage to be like! Remember that dream you had about what marriage was supposed to be like and how you wanted to be treated and loved? I want you to dust that dream off and put it back center into your heart! It's time to start reaching for that dream again and this time accepting nothing less than the best from your husband!

 

Next..while I understand you are seperated...there are still things that your husband can do to start the healing process for you...and these we can address with him. (Is he on the forums yet as well?)

 

Now you are getting a quick crash course in what a bibical marriage is supposed to be like and we go into the whys (not excuses)for understanding..but the main job you will have is basiclly holding his feet to the fire and responding positively when he has done something that you have asked of him..As long as you remember he's going to need "praise" along the way...and you give him that praise..he's going to soon learn that he can do this! But when he backslides..then you have to let him know that it is unacceptable and that you will not allow that kind of behavior...

 

Second... we listen to a women heart here..and I want to ask...What is your heart saying? How are you feeling and are you expressing your feelings to your husband? Try not to hold yourself back...venting is actually good...it cleans the posion out of your body and bring some healing and clouser to situations...so don't stuff your feelings...he needs to hear all of it...and we will teach him how to react and bring validation to your feelings as well.. (even if you have to being the same situation up a hundred times, that's ok too..you will know in your heart when he's "Got it"..like that light bulb moment goes off inside of him!)

 

I am excited that you have joined us and excited that we are getting the chance to work with the two of you..you are now on the journey to an OHM!

 

Welcome again!

 

Heather

[jenisy]

thank you all very much. we did get on the call even before reading this.. we had it planned out because it seems all the guys in our calss are passive men.

[jenisy]

ok so my hubby is making improvements. BUT everytime i watch the intensive videos, Read the j/k book or see my hubby i feel like wounds get salt in them.. i am really hurting and i overwhelmed... what do i do with the memories not only casued by my hubby but also the door it opened from my painful past. i have a backround like kathy from what i hear her say in the videos. before i got married i was a knew christian and was goin through restoration and was on a path of healing. now i just feel extreemly raw. now that the dust has settled and im not living in my hubbys caios i am feeling very tramatized and beat up.. which brings up all the other times i was literally tramatized and beat up. i have also had some contact with past abusers which bring up a lot. i guess i just need support. i know God is my healer.. i have just totally isolated myself this last year living in this crazy world with my hubby.. now i am hurting.. alot.. and trying to be a singgle mom and find a way to make money or go to school.. which is near impossible without day care. and my mom is pretty abusive so i feel like running away with my baby to a shelter but im scared of the enviorment. i am in a tough spot. it is going to take time for my hubby to make me feel safe to trust him and for him to financially help me and the baby.. i understand he dugg a deep hole. but what about my hole? what should i do in the mean time? any thoughts out there?

[J_W]

Dear Jenisy,

You wrote:

Posted Today, 03:27 AM

ok so my hubby is making improvements. BUT everytime i watch the intensive videos, Read the j/k book or see my hubby i feel like wounds get salt in them.. i am really hurting and i overwhelmed... what do i do with the memories not only casued by my hubby but also the door it opened from my painful past. i have a backround like kathy from what i hear her say in the videos. before i got married i was a knew christian and was goin through restoration and was on a path of healing. now i just feel extreemly raw. now that the dust has settled and im not living in my hubbys caios i am feeling very tramatized and beat up.. which brings up all the other times i was literally tramatized and beat up. i have also had some contact with past abusers which bring up a lot. i guess i just need support. i know God is my healer.. i have just totally isolated myself this last year living in this crazy world with my hubby.. now i am hurting.. alot.. and trying to be a singgle mom and find a way to make money or go to school.. which is near impossible without day care. and my mom is pretty abusive so i feel like running away with my baby to a shelter but im scared of the enviorment. i am in a tough spot. it is going to take time for my hubby to make me feel safe to trust him and for him to financially help me and the baby.. i understand he dugg a deep hole. but what about my hole? what should i do in the mean time? any thoughts out there?

 

It is great that you both were on the call last night -- while I realize you are in a world of hurt, it is a good thing that the road to recovery is beginning this soon in your young marriage. Women like me (married 23 years in misery for nearly all of it) would have loved to have had the J&K ministry way back when. SO

 

Please check around for any "women's resource" centers that can help you -- any crisis pregnancy centers around that can help you with diapers, etc, and baby clothing. It sounds like you are in a little town, and so hopefully, there is a church that assists with this type of situation. Let them know that you are involved with a marriage ministry which focuses on bringing restoration to marriages AS the husband becomes a Christian husband, a Christlike husband.

 

Your husband has been told that he needs to GET MORE WORK so that he can give you $$ -- he is young, he can do this -- and we are believing that he will! If he does not, get back on the conference call and let Heather help you "hold him to the fire"

 

It will take actions and loving concern on the part of your husband to begin your healing, and we are praying that this can begins soon -- although he MUST be getting $$ now to help you and your baby and for YOU to put aside for IF/when you get back together. (my personal thought is that if he is not paying child support, then he is forfeiting any right to see his baby, UNLESS you choose to do so for a brief period of time)

 

Very few men have been taught how to be a good husband -- this will take re-training, but at least he has had only one year of really bad. please do not take this as flippant, but as an encouragement to you.

 

I know it does not feel like it now, but the wounds of the violations against you can be healed, and someday will allow you to minister to others. For now, it is painfully raw - and we pray God's peace over you.

 

WE are FOR YOU, God is FOR YOU -- He says, "I have mighty plans for your life, not of calamity, BUT for a HOPE and a FUTURE!" amen

 

 

Blessings,

June of

Edited August 12, 2010 by Ward & June

[jenisy]

The problem with child support is that half of his pay check is already garnished for child support for his son from his highschool girlfreind. he also pays a lot for health insurane as a state requirement. so when its all said and done i wouldnt get much more than he already provides and would take away from his other son. his son's mom just had another baby and depends on the money to make it.. the state is forcing him to also pay insurane for our son as well.. so he is not bringing in much income at all. its really stressfull... and he has collections trying to garnish him for outstanding debt... so when he does get a second job half of that check will also be garnished. i mean at least the state cant take more than half.. but half of a min wage part time job is not much.. it feels hopeless and discouraging for the both of us. im mad cause if he had taken care of his bills when we had the chance we wouldnt be in this situation... i am also mad about the debt he racked up that we had formly paid off while he was on drugs... i know it is wrong that my mom is paying to raise our child and i know i should be soo gratefull to have a family member that is sacraficing this way.. but its makeing her misreble and she is resentful against cory.. he has been helping as much as he can and has apologised for all the controlling and irresponisibilty with our finances.. i just feel very unsecure.. i have been on my own since i was like 15.. i always had a job or was in school.. i have had help from my family as well.. but im used to haveing to be independent.. but with a baby it is so diffrent.. its not just about me anymore... i dont have day care. my mom works 45 hours aweek and has to take call just to make it. i have looked into a lot of community resouces and i am getting the lil they offer. it would be diff if i wasnt married but the state sees that im tech his responsibility.. i dont like feeling like i am anyones responsibility. i dont want to be a burden.. i know this is goin to take time..

[Giving Hope]

Hi Sweetheart..

 

We know that you are hurting and you should be, after all you did't ask for this when you got married, all of this was just handed to you and you made the best out of a bad situation..what you are feeling is so normal, but I can promise you, these feelings wont last forever..what you are feeling is lost at this moment, almost like you are griving the lost of a loved one, that's that deep sad feeling in your heart. Really you are in the griving stages...and you have the right to feel this way. Now here's the good news...there does come a time when there will be no more pain connected to these memories!!!

 

Kathy told me this years ago, especially when I was having a struggle with the "mind movies" in my head. She said to me, that when time has gone by and my husband is being the man that God has called him to be, the pain from all the years of abuse and hurts will start to melt away. Till one day there is no pain connected to thoes memories...I didn't believe her at the time! But sure enough here I sit, and I can say that today about 99% of the pain is no longer connected to thoes memories..Now you will never forget what happened in your marriage, but there comes a time when a new normal starts to take place and one day you will look back and won't be able to believe that you were in that situation.

 

Now we don't want you to get "stuck" in this stage, we want you to dust off your dreams and go for the gold here, which is why we give you (and all ladies) so much support, encouragement and hope! Which is why we also encourage you to do something each day just for yourself! Get out of the house, take that sweet baby to the park, go window shopping, do something that you enjoy doing (having a cup of coffee even and read a book). Do something each day just for you! This is twofolded here, one it helps you get your mind off the problems for just a little while each day and allows you to recharge you batteries... You have to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of that baby and help your husband as well. (This is one of the many reason's we say this ministry is harder on ladies than on the men.)

 

Three years ago, I sat right where you are at... and I remember it so well, my heart is breaking for you, that another sister in Christ is hurting just as much as I did back tkhen. But remember, you are no longer alone on this journey, you have the support of many wonderful ladies in this ministry who will walk beside you and we have big shoulders to cry on...

 

Blessings

Heather

 

ps..Just a little housekeeping here, try to keep all your post in this one thread, when we opened two or three threads and new titles, it hard for us helpers to keep up, so we recommend just keeping everything together in this one thread...One day you will be able to go back and read your whole journey here and watch the progress you both have made along the way...

[jenisy]

Heather: thank you very much. i have a question. to talk about something i am struggeling with do i hit reply on this thread or do i hit new topic?

[hope]

Just hit "add reply" just below this response.

[Giving Hope]

Just hit "add reply" just below this response

[jenisy]

ok so on a call last week heather told my husband she sinced unconfessed sin.. he confessed it last night and it really sucked. i dont know if i was the worst timeing or the best. let me explain:

we were at my in laws.. we had permission to stay the night so i could save gas since i let them see our son. he took me outside and started this speal about needing to bring light to something and i got really scared and it was like being at the top of the roller coaster saying no no no wait! first off he reassured me it wasnt adultry.. exactly. he confessed that i was not only right about him being attatched to his ex that he had cheated with on his other ex girfreind who he had jus thad a baby with. but that there were texts to her i do not know about. he said there was nothiong wrong with thre texts nothing sexual.. but it was his hearts condition. he explained that he was keeping reserves incase we did get divorced.. there are two other girls he emailed on face book as well as the porn and lust issues.

i should appreciate that he is confessing this and repenting.. heather you were right.. this hurts. i havent been able to snap out of being very angry and hurt.. he has betrayed me on every level except for actually haveing sex with another woman. but it still hurts and stings like betrayl. on top of this his lil siter was at his parents as well and got in trouble from some silly thing and was very upset and hurt by her dad's words. i came back inside to my step mother in law throwing a pack of diapers at me at the door. kicking us out. verbaling abusing my sister in law who is 14 and throwing a ragefull fit. now my dad in law is the classic selfish prideful immature self rioughtious pig the jk book talks about so i know that she is the way she is not only from her ex husband but also from my dad in law. but either way it was very scary and inapropriate. she even tried to hit my husband and i can vouche he handled everything perfectly and stood firm but did not retaliate. she is soo lucky i didnt slap her down.. excuse me.. so we all got kicked out and left the drunken mess for them.. to wake up to them blaming him and making him a scapegoat to justify and excuse their redicouls actions. i say this becasue when cory told me he was wrong in his heart intentions with other wemon and lied to me again i really felt like i didnt want to be married anymore it was too lil to late. but seeing how we automaticly clung to eachother in a crisis really showed me god had a purpose for us. we comforted his sis got her back to her mom's and stayed with her. we refused to cuss and fight and actually prayed for them. we refused to take blame and actually stood up to them for the first time and told them how it was and set boundaries which trust me is near impossible with these type or pridefull types.

i do want to forgive my husband and it was really shocked me how great he handled the situation stood up for his sis and protected me and the baby. he also set the boundaries himself and didnt let me get invoved which is very diff from the past. he acted like a total man.. so i know i want this to become a happy marriage i am just very hurt and dont know how to let him heal this.

[jenisy]

Everything is a mess. my husbands father disowned us.. when we stood up to him.. he is pretty much lost his other son and we are in a huge fight that got physical... im ready to give up. everything is getting worse.

[J_W]

Everything is a mess. my husbands father disowned us.. when we stood up to him.. he is pretty much lost his other son and we are in a huge fight that got physical... im ready to give up. everything is getting worse.

PLEASE GET ON THE CONFERENCE CALL TONIGHT with Dory & Nemo.

512-716-6531

Conference ID 981128#

*6 to mute *6 to unmute

9pm Eastern time is the beginning

 

The focus needs to NOT BE ON HIS FATHER ---- but on your husband's actions towards you and the baby.

 

Please tell me that you have read the posts above and have contacted your local resources (churches, crisis pregnancy centers, women's resource centers, etc to get help) -- in your town and the one next to it. Please re-read Giving Hope's message to you -- the PAIN IS GOING to go away once your husband is bringing healing to your heart. For now, it does not seem like it, but it is true.

 

Praying,

June of

[jenisy]

we did get on

[jenisy]

we did get on

[jenisy]

Sorry my son was playing on the keyboard so I posted that twice and had my actual msg deleted..lol.

As I said before we did get on the call last night. After I felt very depressed and shut down. Today I still feel off balance. I don’t think there is anything my husband can do. He has apologized sincerely, been willing to validate and listen. Someone commented on that we where both wounded and married at the same level. I know this is true. My walk with Christ was new when I met Cory and I was so clueless I didn’t even know Christian music existed. I have always felt less than because I don’t know how to do the whole Christian thing... however I am confident now that I am a lost sheep and he is thrilled to have me saved. I realize that it's not about fitting into a mold but rather a relationship with God and a path of restoration... I just can’t keep out of a spirit of fear. I keep getting knocked off balance by my husband and our situation. I am writing my own manual for my husband and listing my needs.

 

Today my husband’s father sent him a msg apologizing for disowning him. He has yet to address me or my son. I don’t want anything to do with my in-laws anymore. They have been very cruel and have many un-addressed issues. I am greatly disappointed because I have always dreamed of marrying into a family that would love me as their own... there would be Christmas sweaters and hot coco... And none of the alcoholic madness I grew up with, So much for that. Getting to know my in laws has helped me realize why my husband behaves very selfish, immature and lazy. I suggested my hubby talks to a counselor soon about everything that has happened. I know it will make things worse if he does not deal with his pain now. I am sure this has something to do with his recent back slide. My hubby is infamous for avoiding and compartmentalizing until things get so bad they cannot be rectified….Hints our current situation.

I do need to get out of my mom’s house. She has sacrificed so much to help me and the baby but I can see she is at the end of her rope. She is becoming more and more exhausted and volatile. It would upset her greatly if I did leave for a shelter... However, I have explored this option. I honestly don’t believe it would be a better environment for my son... between the drugs, hours of being forced to be indoors and outdoors and the community showers I can’t in right conscious take him there unless my mom actually directs violence toward him. There are not many resources due to the economy but what I can’t get I am getting. I have applied for school this coming term. I am praying my financial aid will come through so I will have money for daycare and so I can get some kind of job. I understand this is my husband’s responsibility... but between the collections garnishing him and his other child's support he can’t do much... when he gets a second job at least half of his paycheck will be garnished as well.. Not to mention all the current bills heading towards collections... I stress that even our tax refund will all go to his child's mother and to collections. I am terrified... I don’t know how to get out of this situation. My husband has done a lot of good this last month and made many improvements... but I need consistency. I need to see that he will go the extra mile and do whatever it takes to get us on our feet again. He got us in this mess I expect him to do what it takes to get us out... I am willing to help but that may be part of the problem... between his family and mine we have all enabled him and suffered the consequences that were meant for him. If I should be doing something I’m not let me know? If anyone does read this I would appreciate if you could pray for us too. Thanks.

[hope]

I can't help but wonder, would bankruptcy be an option? Someone correct me if this is a bad idea.

[jenisy]

i am hurt and angry. my husband and i were together 5 days.. which of course we had sex. on the fith day we got in a pretty bad fight, got on the call and are now barley talking. he was a immature, self pitying jerk today when he called and i became very frustrated. i feel like he only cares about his feelings and doesnt think about mine. 1. what he has put me thru. and 2. what i am facing due to his mess. then he apologises and we decide to take this separation more seriously.. what ever that means... and i always do.. but give him a week when he cant stand not gettin any and he will turn on the charm and say all the right things.. i am so sick of being in this cycle. i feel used and hurt. i feel disrespected and i hate that my desire is for my husband. i dont want to see him at all for a because i know that as soon as he gets to have sex again he will pull the same stunt. he will only help me out in person with the baby and with chores if he gets sex. bopttom line. then he gets to go home and do nothing but work at a gas station while i struggle and raise his child? screw this. i want out. i cant stand being treated this way. why should i stayed married to be treated like a whore and baby sitter? he doesnt care and pretends he does which i fall for and bamm back into the cycle. if he aint providing money and a home, helping me raise our child, then he doesnt get any! and i wont buy the whole my body is subject to him casue so is his love and aparently i only get that when he really needs sex. if he goes back into porn or cheats on me then fine! i will not be separated and still given him what he wants. its not fair!

Edited August 25, 2010 by jenisy

[Giving Hope]

Jenisy

 

Sorry for my lack of response here...I have had quite the busy past few days.

 

I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are experiencing right now...The good news in all of this is that "what God reveals HE wants to heal."

 

As for your in-laws...it seems your heart cry at this time is to stay away from them, and I happen to agree with you, that they are not at a place in thier lives that they can have a true relationship with you and your husband. So I think for a season, all contact needs to be cut off. We can't control how other people respond in our lives, but we can control how WE respond. So this is something that I think we need to address with Cory as well...For him to learning to listen to your heart means putting some tough actions into place and taking a "break" from his side of the family. You don't have to be mean about it, but you do have to put into place boundaries and be firm here.

 

I know that we addressed some of the money issues on the call a week or so ago, has Cory done any of thoes things? Looked into finding a second job? Looked into or atleast calling around and taking to some agencies like CCCS? Cutting lawns on the weekends to make some extra money? Cory if you are reading this, YOU must step up here and find a way to make this happen! You can do it!

 

As for Cory and his confessions...I know that your heart is breaking hearing what he did confess. It sounds like there are some soul ties that Cory needs to break here. He needs to pray and ask God to remove all ties with any other women but you! The only reason he has "kept his heart opened" for these other women is because of his arrested development issues..(which you guys are slowly learning more and more about here.) He never learned to bond with you compelety on any level, and that bonding will start to take place when you guys are back under the same roof and making love. (which is WHY love making is SO important in marriage.)

 

i am hurt and angry. my husband and i were together 5 days.. which of course we had sex. on the fith day we got in a pretty bad fight

 

This really is normal!!!! Only because Cory has yet to lay down his life for you and has yet to become a Christlike husband to you. Things got to "close" for him and instead of doing the right things, he "ran" from the closeness. We talk about this in the books and what that looks like..again that is part of his arrested development and mother-son issues! At this point in your seperation I wonder (and will talk to J&K about this as well when they get back home) if sex should be compelety off the table for a season here. He's got to learn how to met your needs and start becoming a Christlike husband before trying to get his needs met here first.

 

When we "given in" too soon in any area, we are in fact stopping thier growth. They have to learn to foucs ALL on to thier wifes for a season, allow us to get some healing under our belts and when things are progressing along the way they should be then we can start by repsonding and meeting thier needs. But THIER wants and needs are put on hold of this season of healing.

 

So let's talk tomorrow night and get this back on the right track!

 

Heather

[Ephesiansman]

I can't help but wonder, would bankruptcy be an option? Someone correct me if this is a bad idea.

 

i've been thinking about this a lot lately. anyone have any advice about this?

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Pirateman,

 

I don't know if bankruptcy is an option for you...do you own anything that could be considered an asset free and clear? Car, home, boat, RV, etc? If you do, they will want to have that to split up between your debtors. Other than that, I think bankruptcy is an option. Call your local courthouse, they may be able to answer some questions for you.

 

About sex...I truly believe what Heather said. Sex needs to be taken off of the table for a while for you two. Jenisy is hurting unbelievably right now. I have been in her shoes...and I know how it feels. Sex is only "good" for a woman when there is security and committment behind it...when there is not, the emptiness and fear that it leaves in its wake is TERRIBLE. And to top it off, when the man is gone and not living with her when she's feeling like this, it makes it EVEN WORSE. Feelings of abandonment, feeling like whore and a babysitter, those are all normal and I felt them, as well.

 

We were instructed to go without sex for a period of 90 days...and whenever we screwed up and had sex, Damon would go back into abuse about 3 days after the sex. I don't know what it is about the sex that made him do that, but it did, without fail, every time. But I know that advising a couple NOT to have sex is not typical for this ministry...soooo I would definitley get an okay by Joel and Kathy.

 

But, I will say this, J...your body is NOT his when he is treating you this way. If he's not looking for other jobs, not supporting you, choosing other family members over you, having huge fights with you...then he IS NOT someone who is being safe enough for you to have sex with. He needs to be safe for at least a whole 24 hours or MORE before you open up to him sexually. He needs to show consistency in his choosing you over all others...not just turn it on when he's ready for some sex, you know?

 

We need progress here...progress with him being engaged with this ministry, engaged in healing your heart every day, not just the days he wants sex, and engaged in financially supporting your little family. Then I'm certain your body and heart will begin responding and you will have to FIGHT to not have sex with him. (I've been there, done that!)

 

Heather, I'm not really familiar with the advice you've been giving these two on the calls...I've been busy honeymooning! So, if I say something that goes agains what you said, please forgive me. Jenisy and Piratemanyarr...do what HEATHER says if I am wrong!

 

Praying for you both.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[jenisy]

can you ladies please read the issue im having on my hubby's formum i dont know what to do. his name is piratemanyarr.. seriously thats his screen name.. on this story so far. i am so irratated!