Formerly "Seperated" - Now working together toward an outrageously happy marriage!

[jenisy]

Jenisy

 

Sorry for my lack of response here...I have had quite the busy past few days.

 

I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are experiencing right now...The good news in all of this is that "what God reveals HE wants to heal."

 

As for your in-laws...it seems your heart cry at this time is to stay away from them, and I happen to agree with you, that they are not at a place in thier lives that they can have a true relationship with you and your husband. So I think for a season, all contact needs to be cut off. We can't control how other people respond in our lives, but we can control how WE respond. So this is something that I think we need to address with Cory as well...For him to learning to listen to your heart means putting some tough actions into place and taking a "break" from his side of the family. You don't have to be mean about it, but you do have to put into place boundaries and be firm here.

 

I know that we addressed some of the money issues on the call a week or so ago, has Cory done any of thoes things? Looked into finding a second job? Looked into or atleast calling around and taking to some agencies like CCCS? Cutting lawns on the weekends to make some extra money? Cory if you are reading this, YOU must step up here and find a way to make this happen! You can do it!

 

As for Cory and his confessions...I know that your heart is breaking hearing what he did confess. It sounds like there are some soul ties that Cory needs to break here. He needs to pray and ask God to remove all ties with any other women but you! The only reason he has "kept his heart opened" for these other women is because of his arrested development issues..(which you guys are slowly learning more and more about here.) He never learned to bond with you compelety on any level, and that bonding will start to take place when you guys are back under the same roof and making love. (which is WHY love making is SO important in marriage.)

 

 

 

This really is normal!!!! Only because Cory has yet to lay down his life for you and has yet to become a Christlike husband to you. Things got to "close" for him and instead of doing the right things, he "ran" from the closeness. We talk about this in the books and what that looks like..again that is part of his arrested development and mother-son issues! At this point in your seperation I wonder (and will talk to J&K about this as well when they get back home) if sex should be compelety off the table for a season here. He's got to learn how to met your needs and start becoming a Christlike husband before trying to get his needs met here first.

 

When we "given in" too soon in any area, we are in fact stopping thier growth. They have to learn to foucs ALL on to thier wifes for a season, allow us to get some healing under our belts and when things are progressing along the way they should be then we can start by repsonding and meeting thier needs. But THIER wants and needs are put on hold of this season of healing.

 

So let's talk tomorrow night and get this back on the right track!

 

Heather

thank you i didnt relise i had to chech page two to see my responses..i just now saw them. okay so cory and i are going to stay abstinant until we live together. i have givin him a list of things he needs to do and deadlines concerninging his car and a second job. he has been working really hard on fixing his car. i will have him read this if he has not. i am sending a final email to his dad and i agree for a season we should stop all contact. as far as bankrupcy is concerned we have looked into it a lil bit.. unfortantly most of his debt does not quailfy.. student lones and medical bills. we also dont have enough debt.. and the lawyer is very expensive... i dont have much time but i appreciate all the helpers so much i cant even explain how much help and understanding i have attained in this short month compared to all the co dependancy classes and books i have tried for years.. this ministry is amazing. i have two wemon in my family started the jk books.

[hope]

Hi! Before you send the letter, please read 631's response on your husband's thread and the FB message I sent you. The letter really is something that only your husband should be doing.

[jenisy]

Hi! Before you send the letter, please read 631's response on your husband's thread and the FB message I sent you. The letter really is something that only your husband should be doing.

i have not sent it to my in laws i did send it to my husband and suggest he writes one himself to send. so hopefully he will. i dont have much time but i wanted to let you know i followed everyones suggestions and did not send the letter. thank u.

[J_W]

you are doing great --- if you need to get back on the call, please do so ---

 

512-716-6531

Conference ID 981128#

*6 to mute *6 to unmute

 

Have you contacted any of the crisis pregnancy places in your area? I'm sure that they would be of help to you with the diapers you need --

 

 

WE are praying for you --- and hoping piratemany is getting additional "work" to earn $$ to bless you --- and that he gets his letter to the family written SOON!

 

Blessings,

June of

[631]

June,

 

Pirateman did post a letter to his parents looking for some finalization before send it. Could you or any other helper who reads this go take a look at it? Thanks!

[jenisy]

you are doing great --- if you need to get back on the call, please do so ---

 

512-716-6531

Conference ID 981128#

*6 to mute *6 to unmute

 

Have you contacted any of the crisis pregnancy places in your area? I'm sure that they would be of help to you with the diapers you need --

 

 

WE are praying for you --- and hoping piratemany is getting additional "work" to earn $$ to bless you --- and that he gets his letter to the family written SOON!

 

Blessings,

June of

yes, almost all the the centers closed in my area and the one that is willing to help only helps wemon who are pregant and have used their center thru the pregancy. but God has helped me. i have a closet full of diapers and whipes. my grandma gave me enough to cover my bills this month and even got me a knew pair of shoes! cory is very close to fixing his car and is starting to look for work. i am def starting school partime at the end of the month so hopefully financial aid will speed up and pull thru by the end of the term. cory also worte a letter to my inlaws that said everything i wanted. things are looking up.

[jenisy]

so things have been hard lately. we havent posted in a while. i am balled up right now; i dont know how to explain how i feel or whats going on. im confused, a jumbled mess. we are still pure and absenant. cory is looking for a second job. he didnt meet his deadline for fixing his car cause the mechanic took his sweet time and told us it would be really expensive. i feel like no matter how much cory wants to get us out of this hole... he cant. i know god wont abandon me. however, i feel so stuck and helpless... im doing everything i can to figure out a way to support myself and the baby. i think cory is too... but he just gets so descouraged and gives up on things easily.. which makes me spiral into fear, insecurity and even rage. his actions tell me what im worth which hasnt been much.

 

im stressed with raising my 11 month old. the first baby i held was my own.. i have no idea what i am doing. he is changing and growing.. i cant keep up.. i was familure with a stage and now its all different. i google things and ask ppl questions but i feel so scared and inadequate most the time. i am having major wounds from my past baggage come up, as well as current wounds from my husband being exposed. cory is doing stuff, making improvemnets.. but i doesnt feel good enough,. fast enough or consistent. i dont know how to stand on his toes or hold him to the fire as ya'all say. most the time he does come around and apologise... but i feel that if i dont respond warmly that instant i am in trouble and being told that i dont respond warmly enough. but i am hurt. i am [edit]ed and most of all i am terrified. i know its my responsibility to respond warmly but sometimes i dont think im capable.. i am trying tho. i dont know how to get out of this. i dont know what to do or where to go. i am just doing the best i can with what i have which isnt much. im just so sick of being blamed for him not being able to get stuff done. he says when he has free time he is helping me with the baby.

i really dont have any close freinds, like ppl that actually call me or spend time with me, vice versa.. i am trying to put my self out there. i keep showing up to church.. but its like if your not a confident, talky, aproachable person ppl just seen to not notice you. i mean im sure the pain is written in my eyes.. i dont think i come across as mean.. the only person i am mean to is my hubby... but my whole life i have fell thru the cracks.. i am coming to terms with my woundedness.. i have always minimized, distracted or denied what has happend.. but now im at a braking point. i am really huirting and it really sucks.. but i am chooseing to cling to jesus and accept healing.. but cory cant bring me healing unless he dies to self and how long will that take? i just pray that god opens doors no man can shut and closes doors i shouldnt open. i wanna go where god goes. i want a happy marrige i want a happy life... it just seems impossible. i know god is the god of impossible. i just need support...

i feel very alone in the physical isolated since. i am really discouraged about cory becasue i feel like he cant listen or validate me consistently.. only when he is in the mood.. which actually throws me off more. the inconsistency is killin me. i seriously threated to punch him today. im loosing it. if i had someone to take my son i might consider going to a hospital or something.. i wonder if i should get on meds... then i feel guilty for not having gods joy thru the storms.. just this is more like a tsumani.. a constant freakin storm... if cory is good i get all peacefull then he throws up on me so to speak and i spin out of controle again. i cant take it and i dont know how to stop it. why do i let him to get to me like this.. and seriously am i manic depressive or something? now i am just ranting.. this prob made no since and i doubt anyone will actually know what to say.. just pray.. i need strength to not loose it so i can be what my child needs... i am feeling bankrupt... in everyway. at least i get to go to heaven.. if only.

[631]

Whoops, posted here and meant to post on Cory's. I removed it and will post it on his thread "The Story So Far".

Edited September 11, 2010 by 631

[jenisy]

so i havent posted lately. i am feeling pretty drained and stressed right now. i feel like i am in a impossible situation. i am trying to keep hope that God will provide. i started online classes and got enough financial aid to cover the cost and hopefully enough to get into a place. i have a job lined up.. hopefully. its a min wage crap job but i hope it will cover my monthly bills. i am looking at a apt closer to where my hubby lives. i know that i am supposed to wait to see if he gets a second job and steps up. i am resentful that once again i am the one doing everything and having to take charge. when i try to share about my feelings or fears my husband simply gets defensive or snaps into self pity. he says he is doing everything he can. the economy sucks. it is hard finding a job that will work with limited availability. i am just telling the places i apply at that i am available anytime and pray i will find ppl to watch my one year old. but i guess since cory does have to work around his work schedual it would be tricky.

 

so a mutal freind of my husbands, whom i thought was a great, married and chriatian guy. whom we play poker with kinda came on to me. i think. i mean he was not overt but i got the weebi jeebies. he is on both our face books. i dont have many men on my face book however, i assumed he was safe.. i have never had a private conversation with him before. he privated mesged me and i just got a sick feeling in my stomache bout his intensions and reading between the lines. i played dumb, cut the conversation off and thought about it for a while. my husband and i have eachothers passcodes so i know we would eventually see the messages. i didnt want him to get mad at me or think i was talkin to him with out him knowing so i just read him the conversation. my husband kinda freaks out. unbenowst to me he had tried to have an affair with a freind of ours a while ago. so cory very assertively deals with it which made me feel valued. but i didnt want him to get insecure or jealous. he is the one with lust issues not me and i know about not talking to guy freinds privately to safe gaurd my heart. but cory kinda laid into me about it. i deleted the guy from my face book immediatley but im rather mortified becaseu his response was like wtf i didnt do anything are you serouis i would nevr do that. which in return has brought up a lot of personal wounds from my past. right or wrong i wasnt trying to caseu drama or anything. i jsut thought it was weird that he out of the blue was messaging me and was acting concerned about wanting to make me feel better? i dont even talk to him about our situation so i got a really bad icky vibe. the same vibe i used to ignore becaseu i put everyone on pedastals. but alass at least my husband cares ebough to confront the situation but now one of my only social events is out of the question casue there is no way i can face this guy. it creeps me out and makes me feel anxious that i read to much into it since he was so defensive.

 

in other news,

my son turned one yesturday. my grandparents flew in a few days before that and we had a birthday party for him. it was unfortantley pretty stressfull becasue my grandma is a control freak. my mother who i live with hates her mother and vice versa. my grandparents are on ther verg of divorce as always so that was fun. i have had a really hard and stressfull week. i have some how snapped back into validating my husaband and trying to make him feel better via encourage and support him. meanwhile i am overwhelmed and scared i will fail. why am i suck a ppl pleaser! i was falling apart just staying at home with my son. now i am taking 8 credits, trying to work and i cant find a daycare that will take my son, he is too little. before anyone suggests, yes i have called every resource in my state including shelters and the government. i have food stamps thank god. my state cut me out of everything else due to budgit cuts and my marital status. my husband is continuing to only bring in like 800 bucks a month max. i want to go to an intensive but that is like a pipe dream. i know i am whineing and being pessimistic. but this situation is as bad as it seems. i feel so helpless.

 

cory by nature is a passive man. he does try to send me texts and sweetly reassure me but his inconsistency is making it that there is not much bringing life, strenght or healing to me. things with his family are still horrible. his dad is such a prideful, stuobborn hypocrite. it is so hard tho choosing to not let them see my son. i literally dont get a brake and dont have ppl to watch him. cory does help me so much more now but he needs to be looking for work and not hanging out with me during his only time off. i love my church but honestly the only people helping me emotionally are the people that are in this ministry. i know this is a harsh world. i know its cutt throat and its my own stupidty for trusting my husband and putting myself in the situation to be helpless. but i have no idea what to do. my college cant help because they too have no money to help me with daycare and their daycare is 24 months and older. the job i am praying to get has no benifits. i guess i should be thankful my mom is letting me and the baby stay here. but the yelling and fighting is just too much. thank god i asked the church to help with diapers and whipes. i got like 3 jumbo packs of everything. i guess i shouldnt say they dont help me. besides im not even their responsibilty. i am my husbands. but if he cant meet my needs and provide then i will have to do what my mom did. i jsut dont want to be a over worked stressed out maniac like she is. she seriously is the grumpiest most hurt lady i know and its not her fault its my dads.i guess there is a lot i could be doing better like not engaing in fights with my mom and try to not let my emotions take over. i wish i was perfect. instead i am on edge. i feel selfish that i blame my weaknesses on my circumstances. i know i have arrested development issues of my own and i have a lot of baggae. but my circumstance arent helping.

 

cory set up a apt with the army so we are looking into that option. i really want to have a better attidue. maybe i jsut need to soak in the word more. i am exausted. guess thats it. sorry this is so depressing. but thats the situation. cory has appleid for quite a few jobs and had one interview but no call back. he is improving and usually notices when he is being selfish sooner than before. it just sucks that it seem like every lil thing and effort he makes is so strenious for him. mean while i am multi tasking and doing a lot of everything all at once. it is making me start to feel angry and bitter. i know i shouldnt get resentful. i guess its not that bad since i still have the urge to yell at him. this just isnt what i signed up for. i thought that when i said i do we would be a family and build a life together. now i feel like im in a bad lifetime movie. i have made many mistakes in my life. but then i fell in love with god, then my husband and my lil boy. i just wanted more for my son then this. sometimes i wonder if i should of given him to some rich happy married couple. i was so young and whish i knew what i know now. i would of said no to the abuse sooner and gotten on my feet faster for my son. . i am so grateful for my son he has brought more joy to me then anything ever. but i feel so guilty for the life i have to offer him. i wanted the white picked fince, family dinners and and happy picture. i dont want him to ever see of experience what i have. i could never reject him i could never claim to not want him. i just doubt my ability to give him what he deserves. does anyone relate? has anyone not had their hubby come thru and lived to still be happy and free? has anyone one been where i am and their hubby did come thru? how long did it take? is there anyone going thru what i am going thru now that just whats to pray together for support? i love this minisrty and think i might of gone crazy with out you all. thanks.

[J_W]

Dear heart,

I am not sure how this last post got missed.

I did post to you on Cory's thread just now. This is it below:

Posted Today, 09:56 AM

Dear heart,

Please know that what you have experienced also grieves the Father - Jesus said, "But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." You have been through much. and you are PRECIOUS to God. He loves you with an everlasting love.

He does not want you to just "settle" -- and because He also loves Cory, He wants you to be the godly helpmeet that holds his feet to the fire. (I love the marriage manual you wrote -- even though you are young, you make yourself very clear to understand). Part of holding his feet to the fire does not including the type of sex you are indicating/allowing. It conflicts in his emotions. He has not yet been treating you like he should, has not gotten you to your own place and provided care for your son -- these are must-haves, so he is basically being rewarded when he has not deserved it.

 

As I wrote above IF he is treating you well and IF he has gotten you into your own place and IF you agree that he is, THEN we encourage ML often. Please read about this at: http://joelandkathy....r-sex-by-kathy/

However, since he is still acting like a jerk to you and has not provided the childcare for your one year old and not become your hero, he is not currently acting like a Christlike husband should be. Being the helpmeet means saying "NO, Cory. I will be glad to ML with you for real WHEN you have done: this and this and this (and make your list specific which should incl the move out, the tender loving of you and provision for you & your baby).

 

Right now he is not bonding with you -- he is just getting a "release" AND your needs are not able to be met. To encourage him to get the MOST important aspects of your marriage handled, please do not compromise in this area. He needs to WIN your heart back, be your hero.

 

Cory,

What is holding you back from getting childcare for your son so that your bride can get her schoolwork done? She says that you are not treating her right and putting her first, you likewise alluded to this fact as well. SO

 

Your choice is to either live as a Christian or not.

To live for your SELF or for your BRIDE, a daughter of God.

To honor the wiles of satan or the King of Kings.

 

You are making the Decision when you don't make "the Decision" -- http://joelandkathy....its-a-decision/

so, what will it be?

I know you are very tired in your work (60 hrs a wk/ we are so glad you got that job), but Chontel works MORE hours than that and has been doing so for more than a year now with the baby, but this is part of "laying down your life for your bride"

 

You can DO this if you WANT to do this. WE are all rooting for you to make it. Few couples this early in their marriage find what that they need in this type of ministry -- so to me it just bears truth that God "has mighty plans for your life, not for calamity, but for a HOPE and a FUTURE."

 

 

Blessings and prayers,

June of

 

We are going to be hopeful that Cory will make "The Decision" -- okay? You are feeling overwhelmed because you are in an overwhelming set of circumstances.

I would ask if you have gone to your pastor or leader of the women's ministry to get ideas on how to get help for you in the childcare area -- either to barter for services (perhaps a once-a-week housecleaning in exchange for childcare? or once/week prepare a meal for the babysitter?)

 

FACEBOOKS can be dangerous to a marriage. Is there a picture of the TWO OF YOU on BOTH of your facebooks? Given Cory's past, he should not even be having a Facebook account. my .02

 

It is a VERY good thing that Cory was your hero in the instance with this predator jerk (he is NO friend to you, he proved that by coming on to you)

 

i have made many mistakes in my life. but then i fell in love with god, then my husband and my lil boy.

i am so grateful for my son he has brought more joy to me then anything ever. but i feel so guilty for the life i have to offer him.

God loved you first before you loved Him, Chontel and WANTS you to have a loving relationship with Him. He desires for the three of you to be a family or else He would never have even led you to this ministry - please do not consider giving up your child. You are the best mommy for him. I will tell you that one of my married friends gave up their child (some 18 years ago). They ended up divorced, bitter, on drugs, bad relationship after another. YOU are in the palm of God's hand -- and NOTHING can take you from His love.

 

.i guess there is a lot i could be doing better like not engaing in fights with my mom and try to not let my emotions take over.

Since you are in such a predicament for right now, I would encourage you to do things to bless your mom and to be quiet when it seems like she is picking a fight... unless she is doing something dangerous to your son or interfering with how you discipline him. You are basically at her mercy... and you are right, it is your dad's fault. He did not treat her right. OH HOW I PRAY FOR YOU --

 

I would encourage you to get on the 9pm Eastern PRAYER conference call on Tuesday nights with Joel's mother (aka Kathy's mother-in-law! ) to pray specifically about the non-marriage things ie childcare, apartment, etc. OK?

 

Blessings dear one.

 

 

June of

[Ephesiansman]

Dear heart,

I am not sure how this last post got missed.

I did post to you on Cory's thread just now. This is it below:

 

We are going to be hopeful that Cory will make "The Decision" -- okay? You are feeling overwhelmed because you are in an overwhelming set of circumstances.

I would ask if you have gone to your pastor or leader of the women's ministry to get ideas on how to get help for you in the childcare area -- either to barter for services (perhaps a once-a-week housecleaning in exchange for childcare? or once/week prepare a meal for the babysitter?)

 

FACEBOOKS can be dangerous to a marriage. Is there a picture of the TWO OF YOU on BOTH of your facebooks? Given Cory's past, he should not even be having a Facebook account. my .02

 

It is a VERY good thing that Cory was your hero in the instance with this predator jerk (he is NO friend to you, he proved that by coming on to you)

 

 

God loved you first before you loved Him, Chontel and WANTS you to have a loving relationship with Him. He desires for the three of you to be a family or else He would never have even led you to this ministry - please do not consider giving up your child. You are the best mommy for him. I will tell you that one of my married friends gave up their child (some 18 years ago). They ended up divorced, bitter, on drugs, bad relationship after another. YOU are in the palm of God's hand -- and NOTHING can take you from His love.

 

Since you are in such a predicament for right now, I would encourage you to do things to bless your mom and to be quiet when it seems like she is picking a fight... unless she is doing something dangerous to your son or interfering with how you discipline him. You are basically at her mercy... and you are right, it is your dad's fault. He did not treat her right. OH HOW I PRAY FOR YOU --

 

I would encourage you to get on the 9pm Eastern PRAYER conference call on Tuesday nights with Joel's mother (aka Kathy's mother-in-law! ) to pray specifically about the non-marriage things ie childcare, apartment, etc. OK?

 

Blessings dear one.

 

 

June of

june,

i have all of corys usernames and passwords now. we only have church and family on our facebooks. we made these rules due to his past. I've also decided that even with freinds no opp sex allowed.

 

i dont know what more i could possibly do to get help with my church or in the community. i think i have it all. not much is offered but i have explored many avenues. as far as a babysitter, i have no idea who i could even ask. all my freinds have their own kids and say they cant. to make matters worse i am in a community of church moms. ya know the perfect types that dont use babysitters so i cant even find a refrence. i have contacted the leading pre schools, daycares and private sitters and none of them take kids under two. one lady did but she was really scary and i refused to take him back. i am fine letting someone i trust i watch him but i dont have anyone available.

 

i am hoping that now that cory is working more we can get a place soon and become a family. i find it very difficult to not fight with me mother. i am at her mercy.

 

cory has over all gotten better as a husband and father. i think we are adjusting to his 60 hour a week work schedual. its rough but it has to be done.

 

today we called all the creditors. i feel pretty scared and tramatised. one is suing me so that great. i guess it could be worse but i feel very uncertain about geting a apartment with this type of debt looming over us. i will def get on the call with joel's mom. i love listening to her pray. she is so peaceful and kind hearted. i will try to pipe up more often. i listen alot but dont talk.

i know that God wants us to be a family. i hope cory will keep making the choice to become christ like and die to self. i debated giving my son up when i got pregant but since ive had him i havent seriously considerd it. i love him so much i jsut want the best for him. i now god will provide.

i apreciate you always responding. thank you.

[jenisy]

hey by the way that was me on his user name. i thought i was logged in as me. oops. lol

[J_W]

please let us know how things are going -- were you able to get an apt? found a babysitter?

 

your husband treating your right and is he working hard to be a good provider?

 

 

praying for you,

June of

[J_W]

I read your post to biz-woman -- you have great insights and full understanding of the teachings of the scriptures about marriage -- that is for sure.

While you are under the stresses of being such a young mommy, still living with your mom (?), taking college courses, and trying to find childcare for your son as well as getting a part-time job, plus with Cory working 60 hours/week, I am wondering how things are going with you re: your role as helpmeet. Livin' It and Lovin' It has a full chapter on it.

 

Your marriage manual touched my heart - you hold inside you a perfect marriage manual and express it very clearly.

When you spend time with Cory, is he actively pursuing sweetness and goodness to you, is he practicing the LOVER apology? --

 

How close are you to getting an apt together? I sure am hoping that it is soon, because you two need to be ML (and staying cuddled afterwards) and bonding together (this will help the mother-son issues, too). If there is frustration, I'm sure this is one area that needs attention (I realize you made a purity pact until you are under one roof), so once you feel safe in that he is providing for you, I look forward to happy reports.

 

Also, is Cory staying clean on his facebook and viewing materials? You need to keep his feet to the fire on those, for sure.

 

I have not been on the phone calls lately, so if you have been calling in, I am not up-to-date on that and definitely apologize if I am asking things that have already been clarified. (the helpers don't always post updates in our helper's section)

 

May the Lord bless your sweet family. HE IS FOR YOU TO MAKE IT! He loves you with an everlasting love.

 

prayerfully,

June of

[jenisy]

please let us know how things are going -- were you able to get an apt? found a babysitter?

 

your husband treating your right and is he working hard to be a good provider?

 

 

praying for you,

June of

 

 

hi,

we looked at our first apt today! it was not the one tho. too old and unsafe. he is working over 60 hours a week and is really dedicated to helping me as much as he can. his paychecks are direct deposited into my account and all our bills are finally being paid consitently! we have had a hard time lately because even tho i know he needs to wrok both jobs to get us a home, i feel alone and overwhlemed sometimes. he listens to me tho. when i am depressed and discouraged he actually helps me and prays for me instead of guilting and lecturing me. i get mad and even yell and he is actually not getting defesive or sef pities as much. he is really doing this ministry. this has been the only thing that has helped us. i feel like he is finally getting it. circumstances arent ideal, but trust and intamcy are finally being rebuilt. when we do get a home i want to renew our vows. i have been very worried and scared that he will regress. but he has been working so hard. He's actually consistent about apologies, trying to bring healing and life to me. i am in awe. i have been scared to admit the progress. like admiting it will mean him thinking; okay im perfect now and not try anymore. but i am more confident about how to be a help meet and how to not accept his abuse. He is helping the fear slowly melt away by loving me back to life.

 

we have not found a babysitter yet. however, i do have a freind who volunteered to watch him next week while we go on a real date. he got me tickets to see a band i love. the problem is finding someone i am comfortable with but i am praying for a sitter now that we can afford one. He sacrafices a lot more then ever before. he is less selfish and more considerate and understanding these days. even after working he still helps with our son and even chores(sometimes i dont even have to ask!) he helped me enough that i got to study for my mid term and i got an A! He took me out for a steak dinner to congradgulate me. this is sooooo different. before he could of cared less and would of made me serve him instead of putting school or our son as a priority. we have recently let his parents see our son for the first time in like 2 months. we are not ready to let them in our lives fully but i felt they humbled themselves enough that i dont want to keep my son from them. i serious understand why my husband has been the way he was becasue of his own dad. he has been strong and not fallen back into his dads ways and doesnt spend time with him. he has agreed that until he has fully changed it is too soon to surround himself with negativety and his old surroundings.

 

i think Cory is dedicated to this program. i am so grateful. i am looking forward to renewing our vows, finding a home and living as a real married couple again. i am comfortable enough that i want to give him this chance to show me he really is in this for real. things are not outragiously happy yet but i feel hope that they will be. i have found myself becoming more attracted to him and actually desiring to spend more time together. i guess it is a good thing that i miss him when he has to work so much. i dont pity him but i do find myself wanting to make his lunches and let him go to bed earlier once in a while. before i would get so mad at him for not helping and now that he is so willing to help i find i dont need him to as much.

 

we have a long way to go but i am finally experiencing some consistency in his behavior. we have many saftey nets in place and are still doing the purity fast. he isnt perect all the time but he is teachable and dedicated. we still meet with people we took our video seriers with. he actively meets with men that are good for him. he finds time in his busy scheldual to balance all the priorties. he is becoming such a hunky hunk of a man!i think i rated our marriage a 2 when we started this program liek 3 months ago. now i would give it a 6. i think when we can actually live together i will feel so much more secure. thank you for checking in on us.

 

feeling the hope

[PlansForHope]

jenisy;

So glad to hear you speak up with Josh and Kim tonight; and get some help with these problems with Cory! They gave you some great advice in continuing to be his helpmeet; you shouldn't have to feel responsible for his anger and abuse toward you today; as Kimberly told you it's very wrong for him to not listen to your heart when you try to discuss things with him; he shouldn't be getting angry with you because your baby is sick; he SHOULD NOT be sitting there and 'shushing' you like you're a little child! And as Kimberly and Joshua said, there's NO obligation on your part to have sex with him when he demands it; especially when he is not being consistent in really loving you and blessing you as a Christlike husband should be doing! I re-read back over both of your threads here; and noticed that it has been only 3 months since he finally confessed to having an affair; and the helpers advised you both then to take some time in working this out; Cory was advised to really start working hard at providing for you and your family; and be very consistent here in loving and blessing you every day without having these selfish, childish expectations of you meeting his needs, when he wants, how he wants, without considering how you're feeling!

So please keep coming here for help and support; keep listening in and speak up on the phone calls as much as you can; keep being the great helpmeet here that Cory needs!

Will be praying for both of you!

[jenisy]

jenisy;

So glad to hear you speak up with Josh and Kim tonight; and get some help with these problems with Cory! They gave you some great advice in continuing to be his helpmeet; you shouldn't have to feel responsible for his anger and abuse toward you today; as Kimberly told you it's very wrong for him to not listen to your heart when you try to discuss things with him; he shouldn't be getting angry with you because your baby is sick; he SHOULD NOT be sitting there and 'shushing' you like you're a little child! And as Kimberly and Joshua said, there's NO obligation on your part to have sex with him when he demands it; especially when he is not being consistent in really loving you and blessing you as a Christlike husband should be doing! I re-read back over both of your threads here; and noticed that it has been only 3 months since he finally confessed to having an affair; and the helpers advised you both then to take some time in working this out; Cory was advised to really start working hard at providing for you and your family; and be very consistent here in loving and blessing you every day without having these selfish, childish expectations of you meeting his needs, when he wants, how he wants, without considering how you're feeling!

So please keep coming here for help and support; keep listening in and speak up on the phone calls as much as you can; keep being the great helpmeet here that Cory needs!

Will be praying for both of you!

thank you so much. i feel very encouraged and supported from tonight. i was really into a few 12 step programs that really stress, 50 50 relationships, anti co-dependancy, and self responsibilty. on top of that i had the submission message engrained into me: always felt something was wrong with me and everything is my fault casue i am not good enough.

 

i truely do apreciate hearing the truth and God's heart for me. i am trying to take responsibilty for my part without taking on his. i herd so much good stuff i needed to hear. this misnstry is helping us so much. my husband is already apologising and understanding the hurt that came from me today. it is just so humilating to have my look good thrown off and admit that i have a mean streak. i dont want to be ragefull. i want to blossom like kimberely expalined. as josh said it did feel like a slap. i see that my husband needs to love me unconditionally for this to transpire. i hope he is for real wanting to change his heart and bring life and healing to me. then i can be safe to be the wife i should be and not feel the need to protect myself out of fear. i want the freedom to love again.

[musicteacher]

i hope he is for real wanting to change his heart and bring life and healing to me. then i can be safe to be the wife i should be and not feel the need to protect myself out of fear. i want the freedom to love again.

 

Hi jenisy,

 

How are you two doing?? Are things steadily improving? I love your last two sentences above, especially the last one! I can relate completely! I have a mean streak, too. Many of us do. I think it is out of self-protection. And I am not quick to trust like some of you ladies here because I am very self-protective and do not want to be hurt again. I admire you for being so open to your husband's positive actions toward you and I admire you for being so clear about what you need. You do an awesome job verbalizing what it is that you need, and your goals and desires are right in line with what a Christ-filled marriage ought to be. I hope you are doing well and that things are moving in a positive direction!

 

I hope we will hear from you soon! Oh, I see that your husband posted today. It's good to know that he is still working on things!!

 

In His love,

musicteacher

Edited December 4, 2010 by musicteacher

[Ephesiansman]

it is december 4th, a saturday at 12:41 pm. we are in the process of moving as I'm writing this! I'm so excited and just wanted to share the good news with everyone.

[J_W]

Please let us know how things are going for the three of you -- now that you are in a "home" together as a family -- is Cory blessing you daily? are ya'll reading the J&K books daily? Are you able to get on the conference calls to get an update... and to ask for help for situations such as the one he posted on his thread?

 

Posted Today, 05:08 PM

hey. It has been a while since I've posted or even been on the forums. We recently moved in together and we don't have internet or a computer. This is the first opportunity I have had to get on.

So today an X of chontels emailed our facebook account. He gave a terrible little apology about how bad he was to her and said that they could start writing and that he wouldn't be "weird". I asked her If I could respond to his email and she did not like that idea. I wanted to tell him that yes he was terrible to him and thank you for the apology, but that he would never be a part of our lives and would never talk to any of us, ever. She said that she had a lot of things to say to him and I just don't think she should even go there. I think she wants to get closure and healing from him and last time she tried that he just got defensive and told her she hurt him too or some lame crap like that. anyways I want to ask for your guys help and see what we should do in this situation. I don't want her to seek closure and healing and just end up more frustrated and hurt than before! please help.

 

sweetie, the X has to stay in the past -- NO MORE contact with him EVER. ok?

 

It will only harm your marriage --

Something like "Cory and I are on our way to an OHM, and I wish you well. Please do not contact me again."

 

Please remember that we are here to help you keep your husband's feet to the fire so that godly habits will form and he will continue growing into a Christlike husband, a Christian man and that you will continue in your growth as a wonderful helpmeet (I just love the marriage manual you wrote for him - is it posted somewhere in your home?)

 

Blessings and prayers,

June of

[PlansForHope]

Heard you speak up on the call last night for help; I'm really hoping that the excellent advice that the moderators gave you and Cory will get him moving forward again; instead of staying stuck in this childish, selfish rut he's been in for a few weeks! The constant abuse, turmoil; and arguing from him has to very exhausting for you; I'm praying that you'll find some time today to just rest & relax; have fun with your precious baby; take time to treat yourself and do something special for YOU!

He's clearly not appreciating your help right now in learning how to be a Christlike husband, please stand firm here with some boundaries and consequences; keep simply mirroring back whatever his behavior is toward you! When he chooses to treat you with kindness, love, and is listening to your heart; respond warmly, say thank you; etc. However, you're not obligated in any way to respond warmly when he's abusing you; harassing you; arguing and defending himself, his feelings, putting his selfish wants ahead of what you need from him!

Hope that the moderators were able to clearly explain this to Cory; in a way that he will finally understand!

I'm praying for you today!

[jenisy]

Heard you speak up on the call last night for help; I'm really hoping that the excellent advice that the moderators gave you and Cory will get him moving forward again; instead of staying stuck in this childish, selfish rut he's been in for a few weeks! The constant abuse, turmoil; and arguing from him has to very exhausting for you; I'm praying that you'll find some time today to just rest & relax; have fun with your precious baby; take time to treat yourself and do something special for YOU!

He's clearly not appreciating your help right now in learning how to be a Christlike husband, please stand firm here with some boundaries and consequences; keep simply mirroring back whatever his behavior is toward you! When he chooses to treat you with kindness, love, and is listening to your heart; respond warmly, say thank you; etc. However, you're not obligated in any way to respond warmly when he's abusing you; harassing you; arguing and defending himself, his feelings, putting his selfish wants ahead of what you need from him!

Hope that the moderators were able to clearly explain this to Cory; in a way that he will finally understand!

I'm praying for you today!

 

 

thank you,

josh and kimberley gave great advice. i am so blessed to know them and all the helpers. yes i am exausted,numb and yet angry. cory is at work now and i am at my moms doing laundry. my x messaged our facebook acct today... cory was sitting next to me when i checked it and he pretty much screwed up the situation for me. hearing from this guy is very emotionally devastating for me. he abused me very very bad for years. he was more like a x husband than jsut a x. i have no desire to respond to this guy other than to tell him what a pathetic coward i relise he really is and that wehreas i do forgive him.. i never ever want anthing to do with him.. and where i dont wish anyone to go to hell i am sure he will be there. prob leave out that last part

 

my husband started ranting.. we were at his moms house so i didnt want to discuss it jsut then. not only was i not allowed to feel, process or have a voice but he also humiliated me with his iron fist of laying down exactly waht he was going to do... now i understand.. after the intial message we send him i will never have voluntarly contact with my x, however the way we left things off was basiclly him skipping town with my motor home and never haveing any closure. there are things i want to say to him and then i will never talk to the sob again.

 

cory claims his insecurties came up... and he is sorry, however i am very angry and hurt. he has no idea whata message from the man that abused me for years had done to me. he wasnt a safe place as usual.. he acts like the woman, always responds and reacts.. therefore leaving no room for me to cope. i almost went and drank... but since i have my baby boy i know i jsut got to suck it up.. again.. and be mature and jsut cling to jesus.. exp since my husband is being so awful to me. i have no desire to speak to him and he keeps texting me. please continue to pray for me to have the grace and courage to not just snap into self protection mode. please also pray that i can brake out of the guilt and shame i feel everytime i do finally share my feelings with him.

 

by the way cory did to me some of the same abusive things my x did, he really has no right to think that he is all that better since he too cheated lied and betrayed me over and over agin. this x may be the most immature arrested deveoplmented lustful perve out there but my hubby ain so hot in my eyes either. if he thinks i would run back to the sob that nearly destroyed my life he is wrong. but i also aint running to my current sob that is knocking me so off balance that i am quite discombobulated.

god bless you all

jenisy

[PlansForHope]

I found this advice on another thread; written by Joel and Kathy to help a wife clearly understand her role as her husbands helpmeet! Maybe this will bring some clarity into your heart and mind here; and help you hold fast to the boundaries you've set for Cory; so he can finally start walking this path of becoming a real Christlike husband for you!

 

 

 

 

"The pressure is not on you to create a happy marriage. That is his job.

 

Your job is, as you are realizing, to communicate to him clearly what you want/need.

 

If you want him to ask you how you feel - and he instead asks what you would like him to do for you, then your answer needs to be, "Would you ask me how I feel right now and let me tell you?"

 

A guys job is to listen to his wife's heart and meet her needs - allowing himself to be changed by hearing from her what she is hoping for from him in their relationship at any given time. Her job is to let him "hear" her heart by speaking to him.

 

So, yes, you indeed want to speak clearly what you want/need.

 

The comparing thing is important - and you have to communicate how you are feeling to him. Every wife wonders if her husband compares her to other women. It is his job to focus on you so much that you know he is thrilled with you and only you. "

 

It is obvious that he's not making much of an effort at all here; he's simply enjoying the privileges you're providing by moving back in together; without much responsibility at all at being a Christlike husband! This would be a great time to insist that he get on another conference call tonight; speak up for help; then be COMPLETELY honest with the moderators; tell them the truth of what's really happening in your marriage right now; listen to their advice without going to sleep; zoning out somewhere, or not focusing on what they're saying!

I'm praying for you today, know this is such a hurtful, lonely place to be in right now!

Please keep coming here for help and support; so you can get through this bump in the road!

[jenisy]

I found this advice on another thread; written by Joel and Kathy to help a wife clearly understand her role as her husbands helpmeet! Maybe this will bring some clarity into your heart and mind here; and help you hold fast to the boundaries you've set for Cory; so he can finally start walking this path of becoming a real Christlike husband for you!

 

 

 

 

"The pressure is not on you to create a happy marriage. That is his job.

 

Your job is, as you are realizing, to communicate to him clearly what you want/need.

 

If you want him to ask you how you feel - and he instead asks what you would like him to do for you, then your answer needs to be, "Would you ask me how I feel right now and let me tell you?"

 

A guys job is to listen to his wife's heart and meet her needs - allowing himself to be changed by hearing from her what she is hoping for from him in their relationship at any given time. Her job is to let him "hear" her heart by speaking to him.

 

So, yes, you indeed want to speak clearly what you want/need.

 

The comparing thing is important - and you have to communicate how you are feeling to him. Every wife wonders if her husband compares her to other women. It is his job to focus on you so much that you know he is thrilled with you and only you. "

 

It is obvious that he's not making much of an effort at all here; he's simply enjoying the privileges you're providing by moving back in together; without much responsibility at all at being a Christlike husband! This would be a great time to insist that he get on another conference call tonight; speak up for help; then be COMPLETELY honest with the moderators; tell them the truth of what's really happening in your marriage right now; listen to their advice without going to sleep; zoning out somewhere, or not focusing on what they're saying!

I'm praying for you today, know this is such a hurtful, lonely place to be in right now!

Please keep coming here for help and support; so you can get through this bump in the road!

thank you so much. that really does help. i must admit i struggle communicating my needs to him in the moment becasue of fear, frustration and hurt. dont have much time but i am happy to report he has done pretty amazing today. his actions are lining up with his apology and we have both our boys tonight so it will be a big test to see how he act this time becasue lat time he was stressed and frustrated and didnt enjoy being a family at all. i hope it goes better this time.

[PlansForHope]

Glad you're listening in to the call tonight; please do speak up when Michael is done with the current caller and let him know you and your husband still want help; if you need it! It's so very important for these abusive men like your husband to be very consistent in speaking up on the calls; and getting the help that the moderators can give them!

I've been remembering you in prayer today; really hope things went well yesterday when you had your boys around!

God bless you for staying consistent here in being your husbands helpmeet; I know it's tiring, frustrating, exhausting for you with everything else you have going on; but just keep hold of God's hand here; let Him give you the strength it takes to stay strong, and keep walking this new path to your goal of having an OHM!