Starting the Journey

[Mr. Ed]

I've been married for over 35 years and have been emotionally immature and selfish the whole time. Problem is. . .I thought I was doing great. I had it figured out that everyone else was wrong.

 

A friend of mine (Mr. Bingley, forum name) faced a crisis in his marriage and became familiar with Joel & Kathy's books. He and his wife (Miss Jane Bennet, forum name) attended a week-end intensive. The change in him was unbelievable! God has done a miracle in their marriage.

 

My wife and I have gone to many counselors through the years, and I went trying to show how she was wrong and I was right. When the pressure was put on me, I quit. But this time (seeing Mr. Bingley's change) I read Joel & Kathy's books and am committed to making the changes. Not just on the surface, but in the heart.

 

I realized that my emotional immaturity had locked me into a self-destructive "survival" mode since I was 8 or 9 years old. That mindset made everyone my enemy that disagreed with me, and I could shut them off by either the silent treatment or by various forms of anger. I would control until I won. My wife got the worst of it, and my son got much of it.

 

The key principles I'm working on as I'm starting this journey are: (1) My wife is equal with me, and we are to mutually submit. (2) As the husband I need to learn to INITIATE loving in a sacrificial way. . .regardless! (3) I don't need to be concerned about her submitting. . .I need to be concerned about my loving! (4) I must reprogram myself to put her first in my thoughts and priorities.

 

Frankly, after starting to see the real abusive me, I wonder why she has stayed with me so long. My goal is to NEVER go back to what I was. As one friend who is working with us said, "You've done it wrong for 13,870 days. It will take a while [to repair], so get busy!"

 

I guess this is how I start a string. I'm new to this, so I'm open to your suggestions and prayers!

Edited February 9, 2011 by Mr. Ed

[KathyandJoel]

Hi there, and YES, this is how you start your string.

 

The key principles I'm working on as I'm starting this journey are: (1) My wife is equal with me, and we are to mutually submit. (2) As the husband I need to learn to INITIATE loving in a sacrificial way. . .regardless! (3) I don't need to be concerned about her submitting. . .I need to be concerned about my loving! (4) I must reprogram myself to put her first in my thoughts and priorities.

 

Frankly, after starting to see the real abusive me, I wonder why she has stayed with me so long. My goal is to NEVER go back to what I was. As one friend who is working with us said, "You've done it wrong for 13,870 days. It will take a while [to repair], so get busy!"

 

I guess this is how I start a string. I'm new to this, so I'm open to your suggestions and prayers!

 

Mr Ed,

 

Welcome to the forum. You are at the right place and we certainly can help.

 

First off, the fact that you have a plan in place, goal in front of you is a very good sign. The Word of God says to "write the vision, make it plain, so that those who read it can run with it. "

 

You know it has taken time to get you to this place it will take time to fix it.

 

Our recommendation is that you go to the "Favorite Posts" string and read there. Lots of great reading and learning. Look at this as "Good husbandry school. How to fix the broken pipes in your marriage."

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/forum/16-favorite-posts-by-various-authors-by-joel-and-kathy-davisson-and-favorite-posts-on-certain-subjects/

 

Then go to: Men who are working to win their wives heart back

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/forum/5-ministry-to-men-who-are-working-to-win-their-wifes-heart-back/

 

and read more there.

 

There is enough reading to keep you busy for sure.

 

Here's to ongoing learning and growth towards an OHM. (Outrageously Happy Marriage.)

 

Blessings, Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[Looney_Tunes]

Hi! I'm glad you're here! Any friend of Miss Jane's is a friend of mine.

 

As Kathy said, there are a lot of things to read that will jump start your journey to an OHM. In addition, one of the most important things you need to do is to go here http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3188-abusepowercontrol/ and check off the things you have done to hurt your wife. Then I would like you to ask her to do the same thing. See if your lists agree. Remember, hers is the correct one - there are probably many things you have done over the years that you didn't see as abuse, but that felt abusive to her.

 

You also need to start learning the elements of what we call a LOVER apology:

 

L = listen

O = own the behavior and offer an apology

V = validate your wife's feelings (this is the most important part - you need to be able to put yourself in her shoes and understand how she felt about what you did or didn't do)

E = embrace her if she will let you, encourage her if she will not

R = repent and make restitution if needed

 

Changing your marriage comes down to a decision - not necessarily one monumental decision, but the minute-by-minute decisions to behave differently than you have in the past. Every man CAN do this, but not every man WILL. It's totally up to you - your want to needs to be bigger than the things that hold you back.

 

Is your wife on the forum yet?

[Miss Jane Bennett]

Here are some emails between Mr. Bingley and Mr. Ed. I'm putting them here with their permission. I thought they would be a blessing/help to others:

 

From: Mr. Bingley

Sent: Wednesday, February 02, 2011 8:01 AM

To: Mr. Ed

Subject: How are things?

 

Now that you have "enjoyed" (I use the term as loosely as possible...) several of the DVDs from Joel and Kathy how are things going?

 

One of the hardest things for me to do was to initiate smiles, compliments, hugs, kisses, and touching. I still cannot figure out why that is so hard at the beginning! I believe that I was so self-absorbed that just the thought that Dianne actually was beautiful or had said or done something nice pulled my focus off of me and that was annoying somehow. Kind of interrupted my analysis of how wonderful I was, even for a moment!

 

The idea of 20/20/20/20 is pretty overwhelming at first, so try 5/5/5/5. Mechanical, check-it-off-the-list mentality it will be at first, but it will pretty quickly become genuine, from-the-heart. First thing in the morning, saying goodbye, first thing coming home, and all through the evening. I think Miss Jane and I are up to 2/2/2/2 now! Just kidding. Have you gotten started with this?

 

You and your wife are very special to us, and we are praying that you will experience the amazing joy of a new marriage like we are! I never believed that would be possible, but by God's grace and Miss Jane's tenacity (Jacob holding onto the angel comes to mind) it has been for us and will be for you. Your wife is doing for you what Miss Jane did for me.

 

Mr. Bingley

 

===================================================

 

Subject: RE:_How_are_things?_

From: Mr. Ed

Date: Wed, February 02, 2011 10:03 am

To: Mr. Bingley

 

 

Hi Mr. Bingley!

 

Thanks for the encouraging note. We watched the 3rd DVD last night, and it was quite emotional for my wife. She said it really opened up a lot of painful memories. She pointed out that Joel had been the way he was for 10 years. It’s been 38 years for us. A lot of hurt and harm to be redone.

 

We started 5/5/5/5 yesterday. Probably got to 3/3/3/3, then watched the DVD. I guess the big things that I’m seeing at this point are: (1) I NEVER have the right (??) to react in an angry, irritated way again. However, I must not just muffle it. . .I must learn NEW WAYS to respond. Frankly, just stopping the wrong reactions is a new challenge. But adding the proactive new stuff needs to come, too. (2) I’m called to sacrifice and die daily for my wife, putting her in the forefront of my mind, and always having her first. What a change for a selfish control-freak like me who has done it wrong his whole life. (3) We are equal partners in this endeavor.

 

Yes, the touching, hugs, etc., are very awkward. I’m trusting that in a while they will be more natural. I’m sure it appears to my wife right now that I’m “working off a list.”

 

I certainly see why they call the seminars “intensives.” Whew! I’m not sure I could call them “enjoyable” yet. It’s kind of like my heart surgery: It was necessary, and I’m much better now. But was the week in the hospital “enjoyable?” I think not!

 

But I can see this is opening up a whole new part of me that died years ago. . .that part that only responds to emotional needs with anger or distance. I’m willing to keep working on “making the journey” and I appreciate your and Miss Jane’s continued interest. I know my wife has felt extremely “liberated” just being able to communicate with Miss Jane. Hopefully this “toddler” will get his act together soon!

 

Hope your week is going okay. Thanks!

 

======================================================

[Mr. Ed]

I've been "starting the journey" now for almost 2 months. It has been difficult to "go down" and start pulling out my offenses to my wife, but good! I feel like I really am just starting, but I've noticed a couple things: (1) Facing, confessing, and rejecting my years of abuse on several levels has been freeing. I'm realizing more and more each day the bondage I was under and the bondage I put my wife under. The freedom is starting, but I'm finding that I don't have to react in the old ways, nor do I want to go back to them. (2) I'm trying to put my wife in the forefront of my thoughts and proactively say, "What can I do to help her and be a blessing to her." Frankly, it's probably going to take a while to learn to respond emotionally, because I shut that off for so many years. I know the emotionally immaturity won't change overnight, but I'm not running from it now. I believe that Joel and Kathy have found and are giving the truth, and I want to grow by learning to sacrifice for my wife. Out of my comfort zone? You got that one!! But it's about time after all these years that I left my comfort zone!

[J_W]

This is wonderful news that you are making much progress towards becoming a Christlike husband --

 

I believe the next steps for you will include thorough apologies -- this will bring healing to your bride when she reads/hears that you are truly repentant of specific hurts, and she will now this IF YOU VALIDATE her feelings about them, too, and then stop hurting her in those ways.

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/

 

feel free to post a "draft" copy of your apology to your bride and we can help you making sure it focuses on bringing HER the healing and not just making you feel better about yourself.

okay?

 

could you also go into your "signature" and update it by listing what you've read, viewed, etc in this ministry so we don't repeat counsel? thanks.

 

 

blessings and prayers,

June of

Edited March 2, 2011 by June & Ward
spelling

[Miss Jane Bennett]

Mr. Ed gave an apology letter to his wife on Valentine's evening. He has since read it outloud to her and also offered to read it to her whenever she needs him to. He is also planning on adding to it, probably with his wife's help.

 

I would love to hear from your wife--I haven't for quite a long time (I emailed her a few days ago). You two have been out of town a lot, so I'm assuming that's why. We need to find out how she is feeling.

 

Mr. Ed, go ahead and share here the main things that you shared with Mr. Bingley today. Mr. Bingley is very encouraged.

[Mr. Ed]

Mr. Ed gave an apology letter to his wife on Valentine's evening. He has since read it outloud to her and also offered to read it to her whenever she needs him to. He is also planning on adding to it, probably with his wife's help.

 

I would love to hear from your wife--I haven't for quite a long time (I emailed her a few days ago). You two have been out of town a lot, so I'm assuming that's why. We need to find out how she is feeling.

 

Mr. Ed, go ahead and share here the main things that you shared with Mr. Bingley today. Mr. Bingley is very encouraged.

 

March 8, 2011

 

Dear Mr. Bingley,

 

We watched another [Joel & Kathy] DVD last night and got into quite a discussion afterwards. One major question was, Am I still involved in pornography and/or having an affair. I told her that though I was involved in pornography years ago (which we have discussed, and which was part of my apology letter) that I’m not now nor am I or have I ever had an affair, physically or emotionally. In fact, I have gone out of my way to be sure that nothing inappropriate ever happens. I have stiff blockers on my computer, and my wife and a man in our church get email notices of almost every site I go to. We talked about a couple ways for me to step up the accountability even more.

 

Last night was about the toughest one to this point, but we ended with a hug and prayer, though things were strained. I assured her I’m on a path that I plan to stay one.

 

Thanks for the suggestions. Without a doubt, bridging the emotional gap is a major factor in all this. I would expect that my wife will be contacting your wife, and I assured her that I remain accountable to the three of you.

 

Whew. . .excruciating does sum it up!

Edited March 8, 2011 by Mr. Ed

[PlansForHope]

Mr. Ed;

Your thread is titled 'Starting the Journey'; and I noticed that it's been awhile since you posted anything here on your thread. I'd encourage you to go from simply starting this journey to becoming a Christlike husband to moving forward here a bit more; you'll not make much progress in learning how to really bring blessing and healing to your wife unless you do more than 'start' this journey! I'm glad that you have Mr. Bingley and Miss Jane to help you both along this new path toward restoration of your marriage; please do stay accountable to them as well as this ministry! I would also encourage you to post a copy of your apology letter here, as June suggested; this helps you learn how to bring more healing to your wife's heart for all the ways you've wounded her in the past! I don't know if you've had an opportunity to listen in or speak up on any of the conference calls, but that's another great resource available to couples who are working together toward an OHM; there are calls 6 nights a week now; as well as one on Thursday afternoons.

Hope to see an update soon!

Edited April 21, 2011 by PlansForHope

[J_W]

Mr. Ed gave an apology letter to his wife on Valentine's evening. He has since read it outloud to her and also offered to read it to her whenever she needs him to. He is also planning on adding to it, probably with his wife's help.

 

I would love to hear from your wife--I haven't for quite a long time (I emailed her a few days ago). You two have been out of town a lot, so I'm assuming that's why. We need to find out how she is feeling.

 

Mr. Ed, go ahead and share here the main things that you shared with Mr. Bingley today. Mr. Bingley is very encouraged.

 

I have just read the wife's new thread...

 

His apology letter was not accepted as sincere, because there was no validation in it. Mr. Ed apparently thinks he is a pretty good guy who just has messed up a little.... so, we are asking you to please read/listen to BOTH of Joel & Kathy's books plus the book by Paul Hegstrom, Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them.

 

I would strongly encourage you to join in on the Men's Calls so that other men can come alongside you and assist in this journey.

The couples calls are six nights a week and twice on Thursday.

for more info:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?showtopic=625&st=0

 

IF you truly want to become a Christlike husband, then it is time NOW (immediately) to become humble and teachable. This will not work if you are prideful nor if you have a know-it-all attitude.

 

We are glad you are here -- and are praying that you would CHOOSE, make THE DECISION, to follow the teachings of scripture and to find out what it means: "husband agape-love your wife"

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/forum/24-please-open-this-section-first/

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3188-abusepowercontrol/

VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU NOT ONLY ANSWER this, but also listen to the 70 minute call that is included in it between Joel and another husband.

 

and to read ALL of this:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/

a one-time apology is not going to do, so be humble, be teachable and yield to your bride....

40 years of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (with him being the primary resident) are more than enough, don't ya think?

 

once again, welcome --- AND it's time to "get to it!"

 

with the Lord, ALL things are possible --- for those who BELIEVE in Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

 

prayerfully,

June of

[Mr. Ed]

I have just read the wife's new thread...

 

His apology letter was not accepted as sincere, because there was no validation in it. Mr. Ed apparently thinks he is a pretty good guy who just has messed up a little.... so, we are asking you to please read/listen to BOTH of Joel & Kathy's books plus the book by Paul Hegstrom, Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them.

 

I would strongly encourage you to join in on the Men's Calls so that other men can come alongside you and assist in this journey.

The couples calls are six nights a week and twice on Thursday.

for more info:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?showtopic=625&st=0

 

IF you truly want to become a Christlike husband, then it is time NOW (immediately) to become humble and teachable. This will not work if you are prideful nor if you have a know-it-all attitude.

 

We are glad you are here -- and are praying that you would CHOOSE, make THE DECISION, to follow the teachings of scripture and to find out what it means: "husband agape-love your wife"

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/forum/24-please-open-this-section-first/

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3188-abusepowercontrol/

VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU NOT ONLY ANSWER this, but also listen to the 70 minute call that is included in it between Joel and another husband.

 

and to read ALL of this:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/

a one-time apology is not going to do, so be humble, be teachable and yield to your bride....

40 years of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (with him being the primary resident) are more than enough, don't ya think?

 

once again, welcome --- AND it's time to "get to it!"

 

with the Lord, ALL things are possible --- for those who BELIEVE in Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

 

prayerfully,

June of

 

I think this is where I add a reply. If not, I'll get the hang of this soon.

 

I've read my wife's "Very long journey--very discouraged" post. It seems like the big things in my past are: (1) Anger and attitude that goes with it. (2) Verbal abuse on a number of levels, shouting, swearing, putting down, etc. (3) Lack of emotional support. (4) Blaming others for my faults (sins) instead of "owning up" and taking personal responsibility.

 

And it seems like what my wife is saying is, you keep trying to do it YOUR WAY, but your never consider doing the things I ASK FOR! Even the good things I do are done for a wrong motive, to manipulate, and/or control. And then I never get around to doing what SHE NEEDS!

 

I've got to say, honestly, that after 40-years the wrong way, it seems very bleak, even though I want to make the changes. When she has asked me why the emotional walls and resistance, I really can't (honestly) give an answer. I don't know why. They go back so far, I can't remember when they started or why. Oh, I can hang onto a couple circumstances that happened when I was between 8 & 10, but who knows if those are the real issues.

 

So sometimes when she asks about those emotional things, I honestly can say I don't know. It's not a matter of I WON'T, or I DON'T WANT TO, but I don't know how.

 

I have memorized much Scripture in specific areas trying to tear down these walls, then it comes to a blow-up or fork in the road, and it seems like I've lost more ground than I can imagine.

 

One practical matter of communication: Our friends (He has come out on the other side and they have an OHM!) have encouraged us to go onto the phone calls. My wife and I were talking about that the other night. I told her I would if she wanted me to, and my hesitancy is NOT that I'm hesitant to talk to others. But I don't do as well in a faceless conversation. . .that has never ever been my learning style. I tend to lose focus and lose the big picture. The forum is a lot more effective for me, because I can focus my thoughts, even write down emotional things a little better, and I like to print out things, read them several times, and underline main points in review. So I hope this doesn't come across as a rebellious attitude. . .just a practical way of focusing and interacting. I'm open to comments and suggestions regarding this.

 

I've kind of rambled, so best to close. I hope and plan to get on several times a week.

[truth]

Mr. Ed,

Have you done everything June suggested in her above post? I hope you have because this will give you a lot of insight. You will need to make a decision to do the things suggested here even if some of it is uncomfortable. That is required of us if we want to bring about change in our lives and overcome the things that we need to change. Regardless of your learning style I would strongly encourage you and your wife to make a habit out of being on the couples calls to listen and learn, and also speak up when you need help.

[Miss Jane Bennett]

Thanks for posting, Mr. Ed. Do give a report on what you've done from June's requested "homework."

 

I'll just touch briefly on a couple things. We may as well get started on the nitty-gritty.

 

And then I never get around to doing what SHE NEEDS!

 

Go ahead and list here a few of the things Dottie needs. Let's make a plan for your doing them. Baby steps is fine. Performing them as tasks and not from your heart, is fine for now. But doing what she needs you to do, even though you don't feel like it, will get this ball rolling.

 

So sometimes when she asks about those emotional things, I honestly can say I don't know. It's not a matter of I WON'T, or I DON'T WANT TO, but I don't know how.

 

You learn how by listening to your wife and then by simply DOING what she needs/asks you to do. Don't let fear of doing it wrong or inadequately stop you from doing it. You're not doing it to get something from Dottie, remember. You are learning to meet her needs, because that is your job as the husband.

 

I agree with Truth--I think you will get something from listening on the calls and speaking up when you need help. Dottie could take notes on the call (and you could, too) to review later, if there is something that she thinks was pertinent to your situation.

[Mr. Ed]

Thanks for posting, Mr. Ed. Do give a report on what you've done from June's requested "homework."

 

I'll just touch briefly on a couple things. We may as well get started on the nitty-gritty.

 

Go ahead and list here a few of the things Dottie needs. Let's make a plan for your doing them. Baby steps is fine. Performing them as tasks and not from your heart, is fine for now. But doing what she needs you to do, even though you don't feel like it, will get this ball rolling.

 

You learn how by listening to your wife and then by simply DOING what she needs/asks you to do. Don't let fear of doing it wrong or inadequately stop you from doing it. You're not doing it to get something from Dottie, remember. You are learning to meet her needs, because that is your job as the husband.

 

I agree with Truth--I think you will get something from listening on the calls and speaking up when you need help. Dottie could take notes on the call (and you could, too) to review later, if there is something that she thinks was pertinent to your situation.

 

This is my update per Miss Jane Bennett's request. We actually listened to a phone call for a while last night. Then we had a discussion about some things afterwards which didn't go great, because I got upset and defensive. However, I think we came to a couple good conclusions.

 

Miss Jane asked for some specifics that I can start with so Dottie (my wife) and I picked three. By the time our discussion was over, it became four. Here's what I will be working on as of 7/21/2011:

 

1. Hugs, real hugs on a regular basis.

2. Do NOT do service-type things (opening, closing doors, etc.) in public since things are not right at home. If Dottie would like something done, she will ask specifically.

3. DO the things that are asked of me on the forum and by our friends. Doing exactly what is asked, whether I agree or not, will show that I am willing to walk this path.

4. After our discussion that DID NOT go well, Dottie said I need to put L.O.V.E.R. in place right now on specific things that come up.

 

I did appreciate the comments from the man on the call. (I didn't get his name, but I think it was ? & heather.) In addition to handling two phone calls very well he said this: "Starting this path makes men feel like they are blind men in a house, and people are moving the furniture every hour!" AMEN TO THAT!

 

I have printed out most of the posts (threads? links? not sure what they're called) above and I'm reading and marking them. There was one 70-minute phone call I was to listen to. I guess I click on that website and the call is there.

 

Okay. That's my starting point!

Edited July 21, 2011 by Mr. Ed

[Miss Jane Bennett]

It does sound like you two ended that evening with some progress--some goals that sound reachable, things to do that sound do-able. It sounds like Dottie wasn't thrown off balance by your defensive reaction but continued to point you in the right direction (she was a great helpmeet!!!).

 

And she pointed out in her post a couple positive things you initiated that she appreciated--initiating getting on the call, and she saw you reading the materials you had printed out (things that June asked you to read, I believe). So steps forward for both of you!

 

Mr. Ed, you mentioned that you would post two or three times a week. That is a really good idea. You posted on the 21st, and tomorrow is the 25th. Time for another one! Give us a report on what you've done with each of the four items (her 4 needs) for the last few days. If you are behind on the hugs, do some extra to catch up! By the way, Dottie is being very lenient to require only hugs--only 1 out of the 4 catagories for the 3/3/3/3. You have no excuse not to excell in the hugs! Maybe since it's been a few days it is time to throw in another one of those catagories? (They are ... smiles, hugs, kisses, compliments.)

[Mr. Ed]

Miss Dottie is going to a play with some lady friends tonight, and I was planning to come to the office and do some work on the forum. I need to get the articles organized in a way that follows the forum so I can refer back to them in order. So I thought I'd do that tonight. But this is just a quick post.

 

Yesterday Miss Dottie pointed out in a couple social situations how I tend to interrupt constantly when I want to say something, but then when I'm interrupted, I get upset and irritated. So I guess this would be a good time to add that to the list. Actually, the Lord has been speaking to me about Epehsians 4:29 KJV "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." I'm afraid my mouth doesn't minister grace, especially to Miss Dottie, so in light of that verse and our discussion yesterday about interrupting, I'd like to add that to the list of things to work on. I don't think that means there aren't times when I might not feel right inwardly, but it DOES MEAN that I need to work on controlling what comes out of my mouth. Whew. . .with almost 60 years of the wrong speech patterns, this will be a big one! But I think that after the initial inward attitude, this probably is the next most important one.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Mr. Ed

[JoelandKathy]

Thank you for posting Miss Jane!

 

Ed - in "Good Husband, Great Marriage", Robert spells it out this way:

 

If your wife is talking, don't interrupt her.

If you are talking and she wants to jump in and speak, then stop and let her have the floor.

 

We live that way and didn't even realize it until we saw it written in words - we had never thought about that as something to teach - it was something that I ended up doing naturally at some point in time by valuing Kathy highly.

 

Great post!

[Looney_Tunes]

When she has asked me why the emotional walls and resistance, I really can't (honestly) give an answer. I don't know why. They go back so far, I can't remember when they started or why. Oh, I can hang onto a couple circumstances that happened when I was between 8 & 10, but who knows if those are the real issues.

 

So sometimes when she asks about those emotional things, I honestly can say I don't know. It's not a matter of I WON'T, or I DON'T WANT TO, but I don't know how.

 

It's human nature to want to know all the whys and wherefores, but don't get hung up there. Honestly, the reasons don't matter. It's kind of like having pneumonia and getting a prescription for penicillin. You don't need to know that penicillin inhibits bacterial cell wall formation in order to get better. You just need to take the pills. In this case, you just need to focus on your wife.

 

The only time you want to look at yourself at all is when your wife points out (or you notice yourself) that there is a pattern to your behavior. For example, let's say you tend to get really abusive when you're short on sleep. You recognize that, and then you become proactive about making sure you get enough sleep so that you are more able to treat your wife well. You look at the problem long enough to solve it, but you don't get stuck there.

 

As for not knowing how to emotionally connect, join the club. Most of the men here would say the same thing. You did it once, though. It was called "dating." You hung out in the same room with your wife, and you actually opened your mouth and made words come out. You asked her about her favorite books and movies and her best friend and her dog and what she'd do if she won the lottery. You listened to what she had to say. You told her she was beautiful. You paid attention when she casually mentioned that she needed a new ___ and then you went out and bought it for her. I know you're WAY out of practice, but if you did it once, you can do it again.

 

Hang in there - the only way to fail is to quit.

[Mr. Ed]

I mentioned the speech earlier today, then the other things about a week ago. I thought I'd put them together in one updated list so I'd be sure to focus on all of them.

 

1. Hugs, real hugs on a regular basis. (7/21/11)

2. Do NOT do service-type things (opening, closing doors, etc.) in public since things are not right at home. If Dottie would like something done, she will ask specifically. (7/21/11)

3. DO the things that are asked of me on the forum and by our friends. Doing exactly what is asked, whether I agree or not, will show that I am willing to walk this path. (7/21/11)

4. After our discussion that DID NOT go well, Dottie said I need to put L.O.V.E.R. in place right now on specific things that come up. (7/21/11)

5. Use my mouth to build up my wife and others according to Ephesians 4:29. Do not interrupt, and don't get irritated when I get interrupted. (7/25/11)

[JoelandKathy]

Great post, Looney and congrats Ed on the proper thought processes that you are processing and sharing here.

[Mr. Ed]

Great post, Looney and congrats Ed on the proper thought processes that you are processing and sharing here.

 

We were gone for a few days last weekend and had a nice time with some friends. I had ordered a copy of the Paul Hegstrom's "Anger" from Amazon.com and it arrived while I was gone. Started reading it this AM.

[Mr. Ed]

I thought I added this earlier, but apparently it didn't post. Anyways. . .my wife and I were gone this weekend with some friends and had a good time. Last week I ordered a copy of Paul Hegstrom's book on "Anger" and it came while I was gone. I started reading it this AM. That was one of June's suggestion a little ways up, so I want to get started on that.

[JoelandKathy]

It is a good book. Be sure though to read some of one of our books every day.. maybe ten minutes.. or read "Good Husband, Great Marriage".

 

You don't want to read other books though and not keep "The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!" and "Livin' it and Lovin' it!" in the forefront of your mind.

[Mr. Ed]

We got on a phone call last night for two hours and Dory & Nemo had some great insights. Both challenging and encouraging. We decided to TRY to get on two calls a week plus spend another night going back through the DVDs. I'm also working on the Hegstrom's ANGER book as well as reviewing Joel and Kathy's books. Whew! It's a long ways to go!!

[JoelandKathy]

Great!