Newbie encouraged by your ministry

[Miss Jane Bennett]

The motel, and something to keep the younger ones occupied in the examining and waiting rooms sounds like a good plan to me, if you cannot find a sitter. Make out a list in advance of all the things you want to ask the doctor, and check them off. And write down what he says.

 

Contacting a male helper (Kathy suggested humblepie to me) and having him call your H sounds like a must in your situation. And/or ... pm Dory and Nemo who moderate the Monday night call, and give them a heads up so they will be ready to talk to you and your H.

 

I have been praying and will "pour on more steam." Consider yourself hugged.

[son-worshipper]

I've been in bed most of the day with an achey (sp?) back and chills.

 

H. and I watched the first J&K DVD this evening. Not a word otherwise. I'm so glad we didn't have church tonight.

 

Miss Jane, good suggestion to send a note to Dory & Nemo tomorrow, and to contact humblepie. I don't know who that is. Did Kathy tell you to contact humble pie (for yourself), or for me to do so?

 

Thanks for the hug! I needed that.

[WannaBeaCrowntomyKISA]

praying for you my friend! This roller coaster is NOT fun!! Keep hanging on... You've got a whole lot of prayer support out here!! We are all rooting for the two of you!!

 

Blessings, Crown

[Miss Jane Bennett]

You asked:

Did Kathy tell you to contact humble pie (for yourself), or for me to do so?

Kathy suggested that I get humblepie to call my H. He began the practice of going outside and yelling at God, taking all his defensiveness and venting to God, and not to his wife. Sounds like a great idea.

[son-worshipper]

Ladies, thank you for your prayers and ideas.

 

H. was tender with me yesterday as we were watching the video (disc 1). He doesn't usually touch me, but laid his hand on my head as we watched the video. H. looked for the heating pad without complaining.

[son-worshipper]

I plan to put J & K's books and the other book (Good Husband, Great Marriage) in the bathroom.

[Miss Jane Bennett]

H. was tender with me yesterday as we were watching the video (disc 1). He doesn't usually touch me, but laid his hand on my head as we watched the video. H. looked for the heating pad without complaining.

Well, that's two points. That is a good start, but it will take some consistency to impress me. Let's go for ten points, hubby.

 

Good for you, putting the books in the bathroom. If you don't see him reading today, then hand him the books at some point and say, "It's time to do our reading now." By the way, I think he will even enjoy "Good Husband, Great Marriage" (as much as a man could). My H has actually laughed at the humor. I'm asking him to tell me about what he reads, as our homework indicates. If he is too vague and brief, I make him say more. He responds really well to that (NOT), as you can imagine! But I'm not giving up! We are going to have a relationship if it kills both of us!

[son-worshipper]

I am livid, but H doesn't know it.

 

My H. starts back on midnight shift tonight. I asked H. to take his nap early so we can get on the conference call tonight. The call starts in ONE hour. He hasn't had a nap! He'll probably want to go to bed a couple hours before going into work tonight. He'll probably miss the conference call.

 

What should I do?

[Looney_Tunes]

If it were me, I'd be telling him that his actions are showing me that he is not interested in having a marriage, and I'd suggest that he find somewhere else to sleep until he decides to work on loving his wife.

 

If you're not ready to go there, at the very least put the call on speaker and put the phone in the bedroom.

[Miss Jane Bennett]

I would tell him that 9:00 is the time for the call. He can stay on it for at least 30 minutes, and then take his nap before work. If he tries to go to bed before that, tell him that post-intensive couples have the option of calling Joel with major problems. Considering how badly things have been going lately, missing this call woudl be a major problem, and you would then call Joel when H is home, and hand the phone to H.

[Looney_Tunes]

You're nicer than I am, Miss Jane.

[son-worshipper]

Hi Looney and Miss Jane, thank you for the suggestions.

 

Looney, I appreciate you trying to give him a wake-up call on his thread. I don't think he's read the forum since he first posted.

 

I'll be getting on the conference call tonight for advice from Dory & Nemo & whoever helps them. He will not be happy about that, but neither am I about his choices the past few days.

[Miss Jane Bennett]

You go, girl.

[son-worshipper]

TaWanda!

[son-worshipper]

H. decided to go to work last night without taking a nap.

 

We listened to the conference call for almost an hour and a half, then H had leave earlier than expected. Our son locked his keys in his car at work, which is sort of on H's way to work.

 

I was upset we didn't get on the call to talk; others got on the call earlier and were waiting for their turns. I understand that. I called in about 7 minutes after the call started. The clocks upstairs aren't in synch with the ones downstairs.

 

H used this as an excuse to blow an angry vent and have a blaming match. He says he didn't know I wanted to TALK on the call. He's acting all self righteous. He's only been a willing participant on the call a couple of times.

 

I told him he should have initiated the call. He explained he didn't know I wanted him to initiate the call, and that he didn't know the number or the access code. He could have looked it up or asked me; it's noted in several places in the house. H didn't initiate the call because it wasn't important to HIM; H didn't initiate the call because it was only important to me.

 

He left on a sour note with no parting affection. I'm sure he'll be home in a little bit in a crappy mood...exhausted because he refused to take a nap before going to work last night.

 

He accomplished several things around the house yesterday.

 

I asked him to fix our daughter's closet rod and bathroom sink, and asked him to work on the grill. We recently won 270# of beef from the Cattlemen's Association raffle.

 

He mounted the closet pole and unclogged the bathroom sink, cleaned several welcome mats & the kiddie pool, and completely refurbished the gas grill. I had asked him to work on the grill, but didn't know he'd spend the ENTIRE day doing that. I didn't communicate to him that he could have worked on it a little at a time for a couple of days.

 

I didn't communicate to him that we needed to TALK on the conference call. I didn't communicate to him that I wanted him to INITIATE the conference call.

 

I did communicate he needed to take a nap before going to work. I don't want him falling in some machine at work, or falling asleep while driving home. He thinks I don't care about him. Why would I stay with a man who treated me like this for so long if I didn't care about him?

 

I see I've failed to communicate exactly what I wanted. H doesn't need to use this as an excuse for verbal and emotional abuse.

 

H complained because I put the books in the bathroom. He said he doesn't need them in the bathroom since he has them on his laptop. He doesn't open the computer in the bathroom! Neither does he have the new book (GH, GM) on the computer. I told him I was trying to make it easier for him to have an opportunity to read each day. That's where he likes to read.

 

I plan to get on Kathy's call later this morning.

[Miss Jane Bennett]

Hope you won't mind this, friend, but I emailed Joel about the rough time you and H are having. He emailed me back and asked me to put this in your string since he has no time right now (getting ready for the intensive tomorrow, I think). This is what he said:

Please remind her that if she wants to let him backslide, he will be glad to oblige. Just "putting them in the bathroom" is not holding a husband accountable. She must say, "This is what I read for my ten minutes today. What did you read?" When he stammers, she says, "Oh. Here are the books. No problem. Go ahead and read ten minutes right now and let me know what you read."

 

So glad you are getting on Kathy's call. Great idea. I am really disappointed for you that it didn't work out for you to talk on the call. I called in particularly to check on you, and I had to get off the call after a while, very disappointed that I wasn't hearing your voice. But help is coming. Hang in there. It sounds like H is being a typical man--able to DO things, tasks, jobs, and totally arrested in the relational things. My H is just beginning to almost get it sometimes. And sometimes the pride and stubornness wins. Yours is in the "doing"-things-to-please-her stage. This is a baby step. Yay! (I know you can't say "yay," so I will. Getting the jobs done is great, but we need the kindness and the affection so much more--at least I do. I have more I can say here, but I won't highjack your thread--I'll go put it on mine.

 

Love you, girl. Keep trying to communicate clearly. I am learning that, too. It really helps. (And I think the reimforcement in the Good Husbands book is helping, too!)

[son-worshipper]

Thank you Miss Jane. I "happened" to catch Joel just before Kathy got on the women's call this morning. Joel is going to call H.

[son-worshipper]

There's been a change of plans, J & K have to prepare for the intensive that starts tomorrow, so H and I will be getting on the couple's call tonight.

 

I think the call moderators tonight will be notified of our situation. If not, I can speak up and let them know what's going on.

[Cinderella]

Hi SW,

 

I'm looking forward to hearing you tonight. I know you will get resolve and I'm praying for you. You are so sweet and God has great plans for your happiness.

[son-worshipper]

Is it the Fourth of July already? Did anyone see the fireworks?

 

Did those near us catch any fallout?

 

We had WWIII here this morning.

 

H recovered in about four hours; we both sustained serious wounds (emotional). I was a tenth of a second from calling the police.

 

I think H has finally felt some of the pain I've suffered for so many years.

 

I don't think H understand why I refused to kiss and make up.

 

Ladies, please advise:

 

Wives are encouraged to respond warmly, but within what limits?

 

I cuddled after H offered a sincere apology, but that was as safe as I felt we could be after the tirade this morning.

[Cinderella]

SW, what happened on the call last night?? I missed the last of it because Rhett was throwing up all over me and I finally had to kick him out of bed.

 

I am soooo sorry to hear about the WWIII? The reason I mentioned what happened with Rhett is to answer your question:

 

Wives are encouraged to respond warmly, but within what limits? I cuddled after H offered a sincere apology, but that was as safe as I felt we could be after the tirade this morning.

 

As Joel keeps telling Rhett and me "there should be NO fighting." So, I say that to you. If it was so bad that you're calling it WWIII, I don't know how you brought yourself to "cuddle" today! We haven't gotten as demonstrative as a WW and I wouldn't even let Rhett hold my hand today and absolutely no kissing and hugs. You MUST BE so very wounded. There is definitely a time for making up, but a short apology (unless amazingly humble and real) doesn't mean you have to DIE so that his feelings aren't hurt.

 

You are like me in that manner... constantly looking to not HURT your husband... dying whenever necessary to spare his feelings.

 

Remember, sweet SW, if you feel like you are dying... That is because you are! That is not what Christ's bride is called to do...nor is it what Jusdewit's bride is called to do. You need to tell him when he is making you feel like that. Your husband is called to DIE for you.

 

This is such a raw subject for me, SW, as my husband is demanding I die for him or else we end up fighting (sound familiar???).

[Miss Jane Bennett]

I wrote the following on my string, and I'll put it here, too--

 

Son-worshipper came through my city today with her beautiful daughter and a friend of her daughter's, on the way home from a doctor's appointment in Charlotte. I had the privilege of spending about three hours with them. SW has obviously done a wonderful job rearing her daughter. She is as gracious and lovely and easy to talk to as her mother is ... not to mention tall and beautiful, and has a gorgeous smile. We took a long time eating our lunch because we gabbed so much. Then when I found out that the three of them had neither read Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" nor seen any of the movies, we all squeezed onto my sofa and watched about an hour of the Keira Knightly version and introduced them to the Bennet family. We had a good ol' girlie time giggling (great to hear SW's laugh again!) at the hilarity of Mrs. Bennet and the lovable dry wit of Mr. Bennet, the heart-warming love at first sight between Miss Jane and Mr. Bingley, and the "hate" at first sight of Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. Now SW will have to rent the movie or buy the book to find out how it all turns out .... or come visit me again. Thank you, SW for blessing my house. (Hey, Jusdewit, proud of you for getting on that call Thursday night. Way to go.)

[son-worshipper]

Matthew 12:20/Isaiah 42:3

 

A bruised reed he will not break,

and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

 

 

Brian posted this scripture on Susan's thread. I put it here as an encouragement to myself and others who are at the end of their rope.

[son-worshipper]

[Pure in Heart]

Sonworshipper,

 

When I was on the call Thursday, the Lord was truly impressing my heart and I knew a Word of Knowledge about you was overwhelming my spirit. It was like I could see your devastated heart. There was a huge obstruction like a boulder standing between you and Justdoit. The Lord spoke to my heart and said that until JDI rolls away this reproach with his love for you and RELEASES you...that JDI would have a blockage in his spirit, causing a blockage in your marriage. I can not emphasize enough the importance of this to the Lord. I felt God was saying that you have felt ashamed and have blamed yourself for many years about the circumstances and conditions all around you. I felt that JDI has built up resentments and anger over these circumstances that in reality are HIS responsibility to own and to RELEASE, forgive and let you go from the prison of shame he has kept you in. Shame is not from God. It is like JDI saying to you that no matter what you do or how much it will never be enough. I said that God can take this mess and make a message. This are of your lives is a spiritual stronghold (his house of thoughts against you).....that God is waiting and willing to bring down. That JDI would release you by loving, accepting words and literally hold your face...look you in the eyes and speak release into your spirit. I felt that his resentments and short fuse are wounding your heart. It is actually a "spirit of rejection" that tries to put you down and wear you out. (this has even effected your health). I truly believe if JDI will repent and renounce putting this rejection, blame and guilt on you that he will be set free and your marriage will grow by leaps and bounds.

 

Instead of JDI looking at you as a scapegoat to lay the mess of everything around on your head....he needs to ask God to forgive him and begin a new path of only saying kind and uplifting words to you. To dig deep inside himself with God's power. I believe that when JDI obeys God's instruction whether or not he understands it that a RELEASE will come to him too. He will KNOW IT. To be thankful to God for the bright and beautiful woman you are. You are a treasure from God to him but he has buried your promise and gift beneath the pain and anger of his own life. God will unearth and bring back to life the vision for your family God gave you when you were first married....go back and remember those things God spoke to both of you about the dreams you once had. They will be resurrected. That he would be your support and strength causing both of you to come together and in that God will pour out grace.......that will be a wonder to both of you...two heads are better than one...together your lives will change and suddenly those obstacles around you that seemed unreachable and insurmountable will be whisked away and Divine Order will come. Your marriage is loved by God and God's purposes for it will prevail if JDI comes to God in humility and brokenness.

 

When JDI realizes that the landscape of your heart was fashioned and formed...its hills and valleys....its pains and disappointments...its burdens and sadness were put there by the stoke of his own words and actions. You are his MIRROR...your heart is a picture of his own. It is not a lack in you he needs to focus on but a repentance for his own lack to properly love you and his children. God is gracious, kind and merciful to those who will acknowledge their failings. He will demolish every stronghold and rebuild again a better house...upon a Rock of faith, hope and love. Until he sees rightly...until he admits that instead of beauty he has made your life as a ash heap...then and only then will he once again rise above his own selfishness and pain and be restored and recover his family.

 

Your reproach has become a burden to you and a shame you were never created to carry or have been put on you by a husband who promised to cherish, look for and believe in. To say those qualities that are the best in you. To see you as Christ sees you in all of your beauty because of His righteousness and radiance.

 

Blessings on your family...

 

Kimberly