Miss Jane Bennett Posted June 29, 2009 Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 Boy ......... if I were you (this is not advice, it is just the way I am feeling right now about your situation ) I would avoid interaction with your H as much as possible. And no fixing meals for him that he does not eat with the family. He doesn't sound like a man who has any intention of growing up and being a civilized human being, much less meeting your needs and healing his family and his marriage. Pardon me while I VENT here. I woke my husband up Sunday morning, too, but it was the exception rather than the rule. My husband fixes ME breakfast. But my H lost his job, his house, his health (almost his life). And he alsmost lost me. Your husband has not lost enough. He has not suffered enough for all the suffering he has caused. I am not saying that in a vindictive way, I just mean that men like this typically do NOT change until they are broken by life circumstances. Since God has given him so much information that he is rejecting, I fear that he will soon start losing things that are important to him. And it sounds like he needs to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celia Posted June 29, 2009 Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 Like MJ says I would nicely try to wake him but after that don't bother. Leave without him. But since this is an area he has to bring healing to, then he needs to put work into it. Because of the wounds he has caused, let him know you will not be responsible to wake him up, he needs to set an alarm clock. Is he still responding the same way when you don't wake him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted June 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 Celia,if-I-don't-wake-him-he's-fine...like-he's-subconsciously-glad-I-"let"-him-sleep. If-he-gets-up-it's-always-at-the-last-second...or-past-the-last-second. My-keyboard-is-messed-up,-sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted July 3, 2009 Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 How have things been this week? Does your H know that you need him to be the example and giver of life to his family by being the first one up on Sunday morning and getting his family to church? Seems like that is a huge need of yours. Communicate it to him and see how tomorrow goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted July 3, 2009 Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 (oops ... I meant "...see how Sunday goes.") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted July 5, 2009 Report Share Posted July 5, 2009 How did things go this morning? I have been thinking about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted July 5, 2009 Report Share Posted July 5, 2009 I am sure there are much bigger things going on here, based on the replies from our helpers - and I don't have time to go back a page and review things - so just going to comment on the getting up for church: Just wake him up. This is not a hill worth dying on. He gets up for work five or six days a week by himself? So let him depend on you one morning a week. Guys need a let down occasionally - Sunday morning is a nice day for him to just let you wake him up.  How is he doing on the 20 hugs, smiles, kisses? how is he doing on reading ten minutes a day? And you? How are you two doing on watching the DVD set one hour per week? How are you guys doing on getting on at least one call per week? How is he doing on being a positive and loving force in the home in general, during the week? Is he continuing to stay positive and in agreement with what he learned at the intensive? If these questions are getting relatively good answers, then don't worry about Sunday morning. Wake him up and have breakfast ready for him just like you do for the kids. How hard is that? "The cereal, milk and bowls are all set out on the kitchen table." Get him up in time to go to church. If the answers to the above questions are NOT good answers, such as "no, he is not giving hugs, smiles and kisses, no he is not reading the books, no we are not watching the DVD set, no, we are not on the call once a week" - if these are the answers then who cares about Sunday morning? Your husband's committments that he made at the intensive are going to hell in a handbasket. Either way, fussing over him getting himself up on Sunday morning is not a hill worth dying on.  We have church at 5 pm on Sunday - avoids the problem completely. We WANT our people to have a day to sleep in. Whoever came up with the idea to have church on Sunday morning anyway? Hey, I got it - move to Palm Coast and you can come to our church! Problem solved. Smile. Unless he sleeps until 4:50 pm, that is! Sunday morning is the "hell day" for many couples because they are trying to get to church 'on time' = it just ain't worth the fighting. Sunday should be a day of rest - not a day of strife over getting to church on time.(well, unless you go to one of those "fast food, sixty minutes and church is over" type churches. If you are ten minutes late there, you have missed 15% of church already! Half hour late, missed 50% of the service!) Maybe you can find a church that has church on Sunday night in addition to Sunday morning and your family could just go on Sunday nights? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted July 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2009 Hi Joel, thanks for asking these questions. How is he doing on the 20 hugs, smiles, kisses? 0-1 per day, with an average of 3-4 per week...unless you count the ones when he's feeling amorous in the middle of the night. how is he doing on reading ten minutes a day? And you? zero, yes How are you two doing on watching the DVD set one hour per week? No, he refuses to do this. We've only watched one part of a DVD since May. But, he has time for many other movies and forms of entertainment. He's been off for a week, so his job can't be the excuse this week. How are you guys doing on getting on at least one call per week? Yes, and more frequent as we're able, but his attitude stinks & he refuses to ask for any help for himself. He will listen to the correction, and after a while gives the correct answers on the calls, but when it's over, it's over. He will rarely concentrate on just the phone call...he wants to pay bills, or surf the Internet, or something else that distracts him. He cannot do two things at once well. How is he doing on being a positive and loving force in the home in general, during the week? Very poorly...neutral would be an improvement. He is slipping back into the verbal and emotional abuse. Is he continuing to stay positive and in agreement with what he learned at the intensive? No, he's mad at me because he has to learn how to lay his life down for me...and because his feelings don't count for this season until he learns how to heal my heart. Joel posted: "If the answers to the above questions are NOT good answers, such as "no, he is not giving hugs, smiles and kisses, no he is not reading the books, no we are not watching the DVD set, no, we are not on the call once a week" if these are the answers then who cares about Sunday morning? Your husband's committments that he made at the intensive are going to hell in a handbasket. " My husband's commitments are going to hell in a handbasket. Yes, I'm a bit more than frustrated with him at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted July 5, 2009 Report Share Posted July 5, 2009 Is it time to send him to another intensive? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted July 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2009 Yes! ...but I don't know how we'd afford it. BTW, he read his thread for the second time since he first posted. This morning he got himself up.  I don't mind waking my husband up for church on Sundays. It's his ignoring me after I wake him up that bothers me. He'll stay in bed until minutes before we should leave. I am late for most things. I can't blame that on him...usually. But, when he stays in bed until the last second and then insists on eating before we can leave, that bothers me. If he wants to eat before church he should get up and allow himself time to do so, rather than making the rest of us late...or later than we usually are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted July 5, 2009 Report Share Posted July 5, 2009 A second intensive is free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted July 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2009 Yes, Miss Jane, but the hotel is not, nor the gas, nor the time off work. ..though the alternatives are much more expensive.  I will give H. credit for doing something self-less today:I let H. know his new beard was not pleasant...it feels like getting barbed, or getting a toothbrush shoved up your nose, which does not promote romance. I asked him nicely to shave it. Several days ago I asked him the same thing, but he refused because he likes it.  H. shaved his face nice and clean this morning. mmmm! I haven't had the opportunity to reward him for that yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinderella Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 Miss Jane said:A second intensive is free. Hi SW, I want Rhett to go to the next one, AGAIN. It is at the end of July. Maybe Jusdewit and Rhett can get reacquainted in Florida .  I'm sorry for this process being so very painful for you. I think of you often and continue to keep you in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted July 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 How to be a Clueless Husband on Your Wife's Birthday: Don't recognize the opportunity to bless your wife (or yourself ) on her birthday. Don't greet your wife first thing in the morning with a kiss or wishes for a happy birthday. Don't remind the children about their mother's birthday.Certainly don't encourage your children to make their mother a birthday card. Don't gather the family to sing the birthday song to your wife because it's corny. Don't give your wife a gift or a birthday card because she's practical and these things are frivolous. If you must give your wife a gift, give her cash .Be too inconsiderate to listen to your wife's heart because you might learn something she might really appreciate for her birthday.  If you ask your wife to go out to eat for her birthday at a nice restaurant... Fuss at your wife if she doesn't want to order the most expensive item on the menu even if the restaurant gives free birthday meals. Complain about sitting in the booth because you'd rather sit at a table. Be sure to get two to-go-boxes so you can take your wife's left-overs to work for your lunch. Don't consider that your wife might enjoy the luxury of eating her own left-overs one time in your married life. Send your leftovers home with your wife.Don't consider that if your wife had wanted your meal she would have ordered it to begin with. Go pay the bill before your wife finishes eating.Don't consider that your wife might enjoy your undivided attention and conversation; insist on leaving immediately after your meal has been eaten. Forget this restaurant isn't McDonalds. Tell your wife you want to leave quickly so you can shop for some boots and tools (for yourself!) before you go to work on the afternoon shift. When your wife gets frustrated and begins to cry, be sure say, "I'm sorry you're upset." with a frustrated tone of voice.  If someone gives your wife a gift, be sure to criticize the gift or the giver in the presence of your children, especially if the giver is their mother's friend or relative. Last, but not least, expect a wonderful time in bed after you've had such a great day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryJane Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Oh my, oh my! Such a sad tale, so well written! Â I pray he gets the message! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WannaBeaCrowntomyKISA Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Unbelievable!! Really APPALLING!!! I am praying for you SW. Blessings, Crown Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Words fail. I am so sorry for you. I wonder if you two are on the call tonight. Has he recovered any yet? Groveling? Apologizing? Two dozen roses? Anything? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 I just deleted everything I typed on here. Â SW, please ask someone to talk to your H on the phone. The helpers are glad to make a call. I don't see how you can keep going in the status quo. Your H and Rhett need to go down to FL and share a room at the intensive the end of this month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinderella Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET SW!! I am so very sorry for your pain on your special day. I am so sad for you. Please always remember that you are in my thoughts! Love you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted July 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Joel asked:  Has he recovered any yet? Groveling? Apologizing? Two dozen roses? Anything? Grovel? Apologize for what?  He hasn't realized how much this hurts. I will elaborate later when he wakes up. This is too serious to let slide on the 2 out of 3 rule. At this point who's counting? I did explain why I started teared up at the restaurant, but I didn't have the guts to tell him I wanted to eat my leftovers. I will today, but yesterday I would have made a scene at the restaurant if I'd done that. I did tell him I would have enjoyed sitting there for a little bit after our meal to relax and talk without the children under our nose. Someone ate my dessert (cheesecake) without permission. I planned to share a bite with the children last night, but it was gone when I looked for it in the refrigerator. I'm sad, but not surprised. We were not on the call last night. He's working on Thursday nights right now. I would have been a blubbering mess last night. I remembered the call at 12:30 am, but it was over. Thank you all for your loving kindness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted July 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 We have some friends at church who are struggling in their marriage. OUR PASTOR is telling the husband he must attend an intensive! I gave our pastor's wife the first book. I don't know if she's read it. That's a hearty endorsement for Joel & Kathy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
son-worshipper Posted July 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 I just remembered! Joel & Kathy owe us 30 minutes counseling because our private intensive session ran short! Hubby works this afternoon, is off this weekend, then starts day shift next week. Joel, did you see my answers to the questions you asked about waking H up for church[?/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelandKathy Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 We leave on Monday for Hawaii - speaking all week at a conference. Won't be able to speak to you on the phone there. You two can call us on Saturday sometime and try to catch us. He can come to an intensive- share room with Rhett, as someone suggested. Your husband is doing worse than most. Makes other husband's look good! (just read your reply about Sunday mornings) You want to print out or just have him come to the forum here and read your last two pages. You communicate perfectly with your reply about Sunday mornings where you detail his lack of doing much of ANYTHING after the intensive - and then your letter about the birthday spells everything out. Why go through the emotional energy to speak it all again. He can read it. Save yourself from the emotional frustration. Guys can only "handle" so much at one time verbally and their brain shuts down - so have him read it and his brain can process it better. He is doing SO MUCH wrong. Like you said, at this point, 2 out of 3 does not mean much. He is hardly doing anything right, it seems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Jane Bennett Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 SW, did you get to talk to J&K on Saturday? If you didn't, please pm Wen (God's Precious Princess), and ask her if her husband (Brian - God's Mighty Soldier) would talk to your H on the phone. GMS has generously helped others. I'm sure he would be willing to talk to your H, especially since Joel is gone this week. I was so upset over what your H did on your birthday when I read your post, that I didn't even say belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! One thing that will need to happen for sure (and it is only a small drop in a large bucket) -- Justdewit will need to take you out for dinner again and re-do your birthday. He will spend every moment making it all about you. Please do make a mentoring call happen this week if you didn't talk to Joel. Love you,Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aslan's Child Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I was so upset over what your H did on your birthday when I read your post, that I didn't even say belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Â Oh! Me, too! I'm so sorry your birthday was so awful for you! I'm not going to wish you Happy Birthday, because I know it wasn't happy, so I'm going to wish you Happy Monday! I hope your husband gets his act together, soon. You have too much on your plate as it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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