Newbie encouraged by your ministry

[Looney_Tunes]

Sorry, SW, but your husband is really ticking me off!

 

He's got all the information he needs. I know he's not gonna get perfect overnight, but he's spitting in the wind here - doing just a little bit so he can say he's "trying." Bull. He's "trying" to live his life the way he always has.

 

If it were me, I'd go through all the movies you own, take out the trashy ones, and get rid of them. Don't toss them in your household trash or someone will just go through it and dig them out again. Throw them in a dumpster behind the grocery store or something.

 

Then I'd tell him to find another place to sleep until he gets his act together and shows by his actions that he wants a marriage. At this point I think your life would be much more peaceful without him, and I think he needs to know that you're serious. He's not uncomfortable enough to make the changes he needs to make.

[son-worshipper]

OK Looney, let's not use the word "tick." I'm gun-shy about those good for nothing critters.

 

...just kidding.

 

Seriously though, I was reinfected with Lyme disease last week. I was in my backyard, on the patio having a picnic. I only took a few steps through some sparse grass. The ticks are terrible this year. I was sure it would be better this years since we had a long cold winter.

 

That night I pulled one off of my belly, then developed a classic tick bite rash that is characteristic of Lyme disease. I got an official diagnosis and some medicine. Most doctors in this state continue to believe Lyme is only found in Connecticut.

 

If I chunked his precious movies there would be a big fight.

[Looney_Tunes]

Well I was gonna use another word but I didn't think that would go over well either.

 

Are you in the country? Can you have poultry? Guinea hens LOVE ticks. Haven't seen any here in years. I'm sorry about the Lyme.

 

Pack up his precious movies with a bunch of his clothes, throw the whole mess out on the lawn, and lock the door.

 

Seriously, this man needs a big time wake up call. I'm not positive that throwing him out is the answer - I don't live with him - but you are gonna have to do something drastic. He's not taking this seriously. He needs to understand that this is life or death - he's got cancer of the heart, and he doesn't have much time left. He needs to move heaven and earth to change, not "try." He needs to understand that he's gonna lose it all if he doesn't get his act together.

[Miss Jane Bennett]

It's time for tough love consequences for my older children.

It is time for tough love for your oldest child, too.

[Celia]

amen, Jane.

 

Sorry sw about the book, I understand full well what you mean.

[son-worshipper]

There's not much going on here. H is busy doing "things", but seems to have forgotten everything else.

 

We got on the call Monday night and Dory & Nemo talked to H. He's had no change. I asked him to remain on the call after we were finished talking, but he had other plans and refused to cooperate.

 

I think I need to give H a report card everyday...and a goal sheet.

[mommynpunkin]

I feel like I might as well be talking to the cat and dogs.

 

At least they snuggle with you and act happy to see you! LOL

 

I don't have any words of help, but maybe just an encouraging "Keep your chin up!" God is working most when we see it the least. If that makes sense LOL At least that's what I've noticed in my case. Then when we do see it, we can look back and see that Satan was hitting us harder with trials just when Jesus was working.

 

His mercies are new EVERY MORNING!!!

 

Katie

[Cinderella]

Hi SW,

 

How was your weekend? Miss hearing your updates .

[son-worshipper]

Hi Scarlett,

 

There's nothing to report...nothing good.

 

H is continuing to do things around the house, but doesn't want to hear my heart, refuses to be gentle with the girls, hasn't been giving affection, argues with me, isn't doing any homework that I know of...back to the old mindset.

 

I let him slide when he was sick a week ago or more and it's been downhill ever since. He talked on the call last week, but has had no change of heart or action.

[Miss Jane Bennett]

SW, make him do the homework. And script for him how to deal with the girls. Don't expect him to do this on his own. He was all gung-ho at the intensive. The review of the homework will be great reminders of what he has learned and what he must do. Since he has seen J&K in person, the DVD's might actually have the strongest impact. Put in the DVD and pleasantly tell him it is time to watch it. Same with the books--hand him a book and say it's time to read. Did he sign the homework agreement after the intensive? If he resists doing the homework, refer to his signed agreement. Hold his feet to the fire on being a man of his word.

 

He is stuck in the male task-oriented mind set. He is too toddlerish to change any of the relational things. But I bet he can if you keep reminding him about what he has learned, and keep insisting, and keep scripting for him how to deal with the girls and how to give affection and what you all need in that department. Keep saying it as if you haven't ever said it. Just repeat it and repeat it!

 

I repeat --don't leave it up to him, because he won't do it until he has been taught by you!!! Keep holding his feet to the fire (in a sweet, loving way as much as you can!).

 

We are praying for you both.

[Cinderella]

Oh, SW, I'm sorry to hear that. I know how disheartening this is for you (I seem to live it about every 2 weeks with Rhett).

 

Please listen to Miss Jane... keep his feet to the fire. You must be the grown-up here because he is fighting it. I know it is NO fun, but for you to ever get an OHM, you MUST make him accountable; regardless of how much he whines, kicks and cries like a little one.

 

You're in our prayers.

[WannaBeaCrowntomyKISA]

Oh SW!!! I am so sorry things aren't going so well. I second what Miss J wrote. What great encouragement to keep holding him to it. We have to keep working hard for the next season of time to get our guys over the hump. I'm taking MJ's advice also. We ladies just need to stick together and keep on keeping on!

 

Come on Girl!! Tomorrow is a new day, let's pick up the gauntlet together and take back what the enemy has stolen -- our marriage and our men!

 

Blessings, Crown

[MaryJane]

And script for him how to deal with the girls.

 

I like this advice. Miss Jane Bennett knows from experience.

 

I'm learning by experience too, these days, that I need to state exactly what I want/need. If I do it in a straightforward, calm manner (as if I were asking something perfectly reasonable ), he receives it more easily than usual and I feel more like a real adult, than usual.

 

I don't know if this is the best way or not, but it's been working pretty well for me, if I say these straightforward things just before I'm going out the door, or, he is. Then there isn't time for arguing or "explaining". Then, all he is left to think about is exactly what I'd like him to do.

 

Oh God, give Son Worshipper the strength and spiritual lift she needs.

[son-worshipper]

I remind him to do the reading, then he turns the reminder around, "Have you been reading?"

 

I brought the phone to him to listen to the conference call last night. He refused to concentrate on the call, but surfed the Internet while "listening." This man cannot focus on more than one thing at a time. The call last night was very applicable to our situation. He would have benefitted from the advice if he'd listened then we could have talked about it afterwards.

 

He came to the bedroom after the call was over. I complained to him for not concentrating on the call and asked him why he didn't ask for help. He became angry. H started ranting because this and that hadn't been done. He was griping about the unfairness that he works 12 hour shifts and I do "nothing." He reminded me how he mowed the lawn for several hours when the temperature was 95. These things don't do much for me when he refuses to attempt to meet any of my emotional needs.

 

I told him he's been giving me nothing emotionally for two weeks. Maybe he's given one or two bits of affection a day, but I need a ton of affection to fill in the 20 year hole that's been gouged in my heart. I went to sleep when the argument was over. I told him he was acting like a woman and a baby by not listening to me, arguing, and being defensive.

 

I'm still on antibiotics for the new Lyme infection. The antibiotics make me nauseated and cause sun sensitivity; being outside makes my skin feel like it's on fire. I have a summer cold with inflamed tonsils and have felt terrible all day. I made three trips to the stable for the girls yesterday and took the two younger children to Vacation Bible School last night.

 

Sometime later last night he woke me to apologize (10? second apology) and asked my forgiveness for not listening to my heart. He used a silly sing-song tone of voice. I don't know if he was sincere or mocking.

 

Then later there's a hand...in the dark...you can imagine what's running through his mind. I push him away; he becomes angry and defensive (again), telling me he was just trying to pay attention to me. If he wants my attention, that's not the way to do it, and he knows it! I sleep very lightly and have difficulty falling back to sleep. He needs to pay attention to me throughout the day, not at 4:00 am.

 

He thinks I should forgive him after a 10 second apology without action, then jump his bones immediately.

 

Waking me twice during the night is not loving or considerate...sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

 

What a wonderful way to start our day today....NOT

 

Joel said H needs to get on the conference call and should be given some homework. I planned to talk on the call last night, but I didn't jump on fast enough.

 

Ladies, thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

[Cinderella]

Hi SW, I'm so sorry to hear that the meds are making you not feel well. My son got the WORST sunburn while on his lyme's meds this spring. His skin was on fire...as you described. I'm sorry you're going through that. (sigh) and where is H in comforting his beautiful bride???... whining over the fact that mommy is ill and cannot meet his needs. Typical 2 year old.

 

I'm sorry sweet SW.

 

Waking me twice during the night is not loving or considerate...sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Rhett loves to do this too...to ease his conscience even if it means bringing death to me (in the form of lack of sleep). I too have trouble going back to sleep once awoken...a mommy thing .

 

Just keep remembering that he is 2 yo and you would not allow your two year old to mistreat you/abuse you just because he cleaned his room ( or mowed the lawn for 48 hours straight ---in his mind)

 

Love you. Keep us posted and I'll be praying for your renewed strength in light of your physical condition .

[Miss Jane Bennett]

I'll be praying that you two get on the call tonight and get to talk. I am so sorry you are not feeling well. I wish I could be there today and take care of you, since H obviously isn't. The 10-second apology "wake-up" and the following groping "wake-up" are infuriating. Yes, I'm sure you are right ... that his intention was for HIM to get some attention.

 

I remind him to do the reading, then he turns the reminder around, "Have you been reading?"

That's why you hand him the book when you are about to read and say, "It's time to do our 10 minutes of reading." (That's what I meant.)

 

Who is the one with the cattle prod? Is it Looney Tunes? Where does she live?

[Cinderella]

Hi SW,

 

How are you feeling today?

 

Is H treating you better ?

[Cinderella]

SW?? Where are you? I'm concerned... are the meds working okay? Are you having any reaction from the Lyme's?

Husband doing well? Children? Keep us posted, we miss you

[son-worshipper]

[Miss Jane Bennett]

I need to send him back to another intensive!

It does sound like this is exactly what you need to do. I almost called you this week since we haven't seen you here for a while. I'm so glad you posted this. What would you think about copying your post onto his thread, and then printing out a response you get from one of the male helpers? Surely someone will call him to task. Just print out your post and the response and then read it to him. Or just read him the response if that is enough. He obviously needs to hear things from someone besides you, since he is still responding to you out of his mother/son issues. Even when he listens on the calls and the conversations are appropriate to your issues, he is not mature enough to make those connections and walk them out. You are right--someone needs to deal with him directly about what HE is doing. (By the way, I can't imagine that he would initiate a conversation on one of the calls--you would need to speak up with him on the line.) But since you haven't had the opportunity to do that, try the forum post on his string.

 

I am SO burdened for you that this situation start turning around. I can't imagine that you have very much left in you to keep enduring all of this.

 

But then God gave you the wonderful gift of your two youngest children's salvation this week!!!!!!!!! I am rejoicing with you! I will pray that the Holy Spirit will begin a good work in them and that you AND YOUR H will have the joy of daily helping them to live out the gospel in their lives! Isn't it wonderful that the gospel isn't only for the purpose of bringing us to salvation; it is the truth that, constantly kept before us, will keep bringing us closer to Christ-likeness as we live it out every day.

 

I admire you for pecking away at getting the house in order! I hope the family can pitch in. Just giving each of them one job a day (even a small one) before they do their own thing would encourage you.

 

Bless you, sweet Son-Worshipper. We will keep praying. Thanks for posting.

[son-worshipper]

Miss Jane, I took your advice and posted my message on H's page.

 

Thank you for your continued prayers and suggestions.

[Cinderella]

My sweet SW,

 

You are so sweet and my heart breaks for your hurt.

 

Imagine your H a 2 year old... would you just "tell" him what he needs to do and expect that he would do it because it is the right thing to do?

 

2 year olds do not do what is right...they do what pleases their flesh, regardless of what Christ would do. It is just the fact--- J&K told us that last month.

 

I know you are soooo warn out from the Lymes and the meds that you are taking (and caring for many children), but your H will not change just because it is the right thing to do. You have to make him do it. That is what J&K told us. We have to grow-up too and hold our H's accountable for being godly men.

 

I miss your laugh . Love you, Scarlett

[MaryJane]

Son Worshipper,

 

I thank you too for your thorough update. I'm sorry to hear how tough it is for you right now.

 

Miss Jane Bennett's advice sounds very wise.

 

Hopefully, by the next conference call, you'll have a praise report!

 

MaryJane

[son-worshipper]

I vented to H. fairly calmly this morning before church...

 

He rarely gets himself up in the morning before church. I came in the bedroom to change clothes and he was still in bed...10 minutes before we had to leave for church. This is nothing new. He wants Mommy to wake him up and fix his breakfast. He usually insists on eating before going to church, even if it makes everyone else late for church. He should get up in time to eat breakfast if he wants to eat.

 

His usual response is to get angry at me and start peppering me with questions: How long have you been up? What have you been doing? Why aren't you dressed?...then come the accusations: You're always late. You never get anywhere on time., etc...Typical toddler behavior.

 

He gets himself up to go to work. Why can't he do the same to go to church? I used to have to wake him up for work too, like a child, but I stopped doing so.

 

Should I stop wakting him up to go to church and let him stay home as his behavior suggests?

[MaryJane]

Does he want to stay home from church? Maybe that's his real reason for lying in bed.

 

I think a "calm vent" like you mentioned is the best kind. Not always easy to do, of course.

 

I know one thing, it's not your job to "make" him get up in time.

Here's my idea: Next Saturday night, calmly ask him if he'd like you to call him in the morning for church. If so, what time? Then say you are only going to call him once.

 

Then stick to your guns. If he's not ready when the rest of you are, leave!

 

(Not easy, I know.)