Free Dog and Chrystal - working towards an OHM

[FreeDog]

Thanks for responding June, but i do have to remember that it is Crystal who is my marriage manuel, and I need to listen to what will bring her heart healing. Like I said it sounds more confusing than it is, and it is not something out loud at her but internal and yes the important part of the forgiveness is praying for her to be blessed. It is not forgiving her for being a mirror, I need that and thank her for it. The forgiveness comes when inside my anxiety wells up, as Yoda says "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering". Forgiving Crystal releases the anxiety before it becomes anger, then to take responsibility for it (for it is my anxiety and fear not her's) and then bless her. Admitting the anger out loud to her, though, does disapate it very quickly, because it can be dealt with in the open, but it takes maturity to be able to admit it in the first place and that is where I am growing. But the process is internal not a dumping on her.

 

Crystal is my mirror and I appreciate her for it, I am only recently becoming able to admit that yes, I really am that bad, thanks for showing me the un-Christlikeness. I am a genius manipulator and deceiver, and have deceived myself into thinking I am really a great guy.

 

Here are the notes from the discussion we had. To give an introduction; we had just had an excellent lunch at a local winery,very relaxing and good conversation. We then went to the State Park and we were sitting along a creek and my anger welled and I shut up and built a wall, Crystal tried to talk meout of it. Finally she asked why I was angry, I thinkI tried to deny the anger but she didn't buy that so I had to admit the anger. That little act helped because admitting the anger I was able then to talk. She asked who I was angry at, I said her. Why? I feel controlled. So forgive me and let it go. That was weird in my mind but I did it, and it really helped get back with her because I realized how stupid the anger was in the first place.

 

This is the discussion after:

My reactivity is anger; my passivity is anger; my anxiety is anger.

The first step is to admit you have the anger.

The answer is forgive the other person and let it go. The other person isn't judged or hurt by it. The forgiveness is for my benefit not thiers, by not forgiveing I am harming myself,by not releasing it one builds up all kinds of health problems and possible jail time.

She said; I really do have reason to be angry (toddler reasons). But the absolute first step is to admit I am angry at Crystal. It is important to forgive Crystal for being controlling, rejecting, not giving entitlements. Then let it go, this dissapates the anger. Then come back with blessing.

 

The more I do this the more it is kept in the fore front that my anger is an issue and that I can rid it and not be angry. I do not reject my mirror, I need my mirror, but admitting the anger allows me to listen to my mirror and change. The more I admit the anger the less there will be.

 

I hope this makes more sense, it works and it is what my mirror says is on her heart, I will go with it for now. Yes, the anger is mine not hers at all.

 

We will see what discussions we have this weekend.

 

Forgive means- releasing;sending it far away,like God sending our sin as far as the east is from the west.

[FreeDog]

Ok, we will try this again, LOL.

 

To add to my post yesterday, here is an example; Wednesday I followed my middle son to the car dealer to have his car checked, then we hung out. Late morning I drove him home and was going to use the computer. Decided not to and instead left to get ready for work. On the way to my ma's I started feeling anxious. Anxiety is anger, "Why am I angry?", "I am angry at Crystal", "Why?", "Because I feel controlled, do I post or not read forum...", So I forgave her for making me angry because it is my anger that is the cause, Then I asked God to bless her socks off at work and fill her with joy. As I turned onto another street it came to me, that was the devil throwing negatives. I then Bound satan with the blood of Jesus from Crystal and myself and our marriage.

 

That in short is it, admit the anger and forgive it and then bless.

[Looney_Tunes]

From Timothy Paul:

 

If God created us originally as perfect beings, because we are created in His image. And He is all loving, then by virtue of a common logic, we are far more capable of becoming Christlike men then we care to admit. When we align ourselves with God, not this world, then the natural order of our inner beings is to embody that Love. When you do things that are natural, well, it simply just feels good.

[PlansForHope]

Freedog;

Wanted to share this excellent post by Kimberly (written to another husband who is trying to win his wife's heart back).....hope this helps encourage you to keep pressing forward here; and do WHATEVER it takes to finally become the Christlike husband your wife has been begging you to be! As the moderators and helpers have said to you often; consistency is the key here.....so get back to listening to as many calls as possible; post here daily with your thoughts, questions, progress, etc!

We all know you CAN do this; but the real question is: Will you?

Hope you are really loving and blessing your beautiful bride every day!

 

 

Kimberly's post:

 

 

It is always amazing to me that when a guy posts his supposed sorrow over what he has done there is always this glaring lack in what he writes that to me reveals where that man's heart with God is at.

 

Most people who do not know any better would think, Wow, that guy is really sorry. But, what they do not get is that anyone can string together an apology with nice sounding words that really are as shallow as that man's commitment to God and his wife.

 

* Some guys are sorry they got caught

* Some guys are sorry because they do not want to be alone

* Some guys try and manipulate the wife until they get what they want

* Some guys think, no one will ever see through me and I will fake it

 

 

 

What a man can not do is fake true repentance.

 

There IS one defining moment of your life that is supposed to be so genuine, so real, so authentic that no one has to even tell that man's wife he is a changed man. It would be clear.

 

And I personally do not see that. The ONE thing that makes all the difference if that man will stand or fall isn't even so much that he gets he hurt his wife but that he is repentant for doing so. Not how what he has done has effected him but how his sin has effected and infected others.

 

So many times I see men make grandiose promises of love. I hear their pleas of second chances. I read their words that at closer scrutiny actually show a man who is still ALL about himself. You talk only of what you perceive you have done without any acknowledgement of HOW it effected her, how you forsook God, that you have taught your children falsehood, that you have run others through with a sword and made Christ look like a fool. You have cared nothing for her hurt and grievous loss but only that YOU look bad in front of others.

 

This great deception issues forth from that man with a clear attitude of, Oh, look how great I am!! Aren't you impressed that I wrote all these eloquent words of my undying love.

 

All you have done is show WHO you really are. You can not FOOL us or your wife. So get over yourself. You could not SAVE YOURSELF if you tried. You need to agree with God about what, HE SAYS, IS SIN. You are lost inside your own thoughts of self-preservation and do NOT have a humble heart of admittance that YOU are the problem in your life and marriage.

 

No one buys it anymore. I do not believe your fluff. It has no truth on which it stands and therefore, as it always has been is shifting and sinking sand. You are NOT GOOD. Only Christ is good and you NEED to repent and ask for Christ to save you and deliver you from yourself.

 

You try and poetically schmooze your wife, all the while you are thinking how everyone else is wrong, is the problem, are misunderstanding you. You may appear to be embracing outward change but all the while your unchanged heart is still in love with your sin

 

Mark 7:6-8; 14-23

 

And He said to them, Rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written: THIS PEOPLE HONORS ME WITH THEIR LIPS, BUT THEIR HEART IS FAR AWAY FROM ME. BUT IN VAIN DO THEY WORSHIP ME, TEACHING AS DOCTRINES THE PRECEPTS OF MEN. Neglecting the commandment of God, you hold to the tradition of men.

 

After He called the crowd to Him again, He began saying to them, Listen to Me, all of you, and understand: there is nothing outside the man which can defile him if it goes into him; but the things which proceed out of the man are what defile the man. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.] When he had left the crowd and entered the house, His disciples questioned Him about the parable. And He said to them, Are you so lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that whatever goes into the man from outside cannot defile him, because it does not go into his heart, but into his stomach, and is eliminated? (Thus He declared all foods clean.) And He was saying, That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.

 

These things are IN YOU and have successfully proven what manner of man you truly are apart form a real relationship with Jesus Christ.

 

You speak words of fleshly sorrow but soon after you resume your attempts to abuse her, blame her, speak ill against her, all the while trying to make yourself look good outwardly. This is HOW I know you are not changed.

 

The hatred of sin is your missing element and so is a false repentance.

 

Love to God is absent as a motive of heart when a man is thinking he is repenting. The fear of the Lord and the hatred of his sin is also lacking. It is not just to be horrified at your behavior but that you have offended the HOLINESS of God. If you care not that you have put God in a false light then you care nothing for God's take on SIN. You love your wife this way because you love the God who speaks truth and He means what He says and you HONOR HIS WORD ABOVE ALL ELSE.

 

False repentance is man-centered, not God-centered.

 

A changed heart always leads to a changed behavior. A change of one's mind that leads to a change of direction. In other words it is no longer a fight to keep control and demand your OWN WAY. It is however, a determined fight to lose your life for the sake of Christ, in this case, within the confines of Biblical marriage, it is to to LOVE your wife. That loving a wife is the clear picture to that man he is changed and BECOMING LIKE CHRIST. There is no other gauge or measurement by which that man stands or falls. LOVE is based in the truth of God's character and His WILL. Love rejoices in the TRUTH. Against LOVE there is no law. You can not be judged or condemned because you are walking in love.

 

What is that truth?

 

That you are to make a decision that for the rest of your life YOU are and promise that until your dying breath that you WILL cherish, nourish, nurture, present her as a Bride with no marks of abuse left upon her. That you have a love for a Bride that is never conditioned upon what she does or says or how she responds to you. You are to continue in love no matter what. You do not even give it a second thought. All your focus is upon is what YOU are to do. Because GOD commanded it and your reverence and love for God is your motive, your truth, your drive, your power to walk it out. That you honor her role of help-meet and she is the one who gauges for you what is coming from the head, the SOURCE. That you believe if she tells you something that you believe her and turn back from your sin in that very moment.

 

It is an acknowledgement that it is not she who has failed to honor God but YOU who have failed to love her. That this truth is so impacting and transforming, that your mouth is shut and your actions take over. You talk about things in terms of how YOU have fallen short of His glory and not blame others for where your marriage and life is. You seek HER good and not your own. You are more concerned for damage YOU caused than you are for causing it. It is so powerful that ANYONE whom you have deceived there is a desperation to make it right. NOT for your sake but for the sake of His NAME and your wife's heart.

 

 

Here is a list of the seven marks of true repentance: You will be saved by way of a strong hatred of sin and an intense desire to be delivered from sin.

 

* A hatred of sin

* A deep sorrow for sin

* Ongoing repentance and confession of sin

* Turning from sin to God

* Restitution where applicable

* Permanent fruits of a changed life

* A realization that repentance is never perfect in this life

 

 

 

True repentance is designed to make the heart loathe sin. By design it moves a man to take a violent stand against himself. He no longer fights his wife but fights his own sinful nature with its wicked thoughts and the demons that seek to destroy God's name being tarnished, the purposes of God for marriage and to protect the truth at all costs to himself. It is ever keeping before himself that knowledge that without Christ he can do nothing. His strength is only failure and at his own hands has he wrought destruction. It is that change of mind that his thinking is somehow alright when it is in fact antithetical to God and the Gospel.

 

These are the fruits of repentance. Genuine change will be accompanied by:

 

* Confession of sin (agreement with what GOD says is the truth and that you missed it)

* Seeking forgiveness (by meeting the terms of reconciliation given to you by the wounded party) You do not get to name those terms.

* Forsaking of sin (turning away from anger, wrath, rage, blame-shifting, pornography, adultery, stealing, deceiving and lying to yourself and others about your wife)

* A new course of life with an accompanying change in thought life (thinking God's thoughts as you BELIEVE HIS WORD on marriage, clearly outlined in God's Word and that you do not make up the truth as you go along.

* You must exert strength in order to rid yourself of every sinful influence. You must cease making provision for sin (Romans 13:14). You do not do anything that could cause you to be tempted. You trust God and take every evil thought captive and make it obey Christ.

 

 

The wicked do but weep for sins past, but the godly purpose to sin no more, Henry Smith.

 

Kimberly

[FreeDog]

I am sitting here at the library before I go to work early. Spent the past few nights at the homestead and you know, I don't deserve to. I really haven't changed, I am still the cycling fool I have been.

 

Why is it so hard to just love my wife? She is really a wonderful lady. She is kind, sweet, funny, good looking ... But I get all stupid and fight against her.

 

I haven't earned the right to sleep in her bed, but I will. I know what she wants, I just don't deliver. Resisting the devil seems to be a full time thing anymore, I really hate him.

 

Well, I quit this whiney post and read some other threads.

[J_W]

you are correct, you did not earn the right to be in the bed at home -- and instead of being the BLESSING to your wife that she NEEDS you to be, especially at this time with a son getting married next week and Crystal's dad in such bad health...

and yet

you chose yourSELF and YOUR feelings over hers.

 

Why is it so hard for you to just keep thinking in your mind, WHAT can I do to bless Crystal? and then DO the thing(s) you know to do (because she told you or because you should know her well enough to know what she needs or because you ASK her and LISTEN to her reply)

 

This upcoming wedding is not about you -- but rest assured, if she's anything like me, she is cringing a bit inside knowing that her son knows all he does about being a husband by WATCHING YOU! hopefully he and his bride have also read through The Man of Her Dreams / The Woman of His -- we required that of our son-in-law-to-be and certainly will require it of our adult son before he weds.

 

too bad you did not go to an Intensive this week so you could be ALL gungho to be a HELP and a BLESSING to your bride for next week's big event.

 

one step at a time -- how many steps will you take this time, FD?

 

please read Crystal's thread.

 

prayerfully,

June of

[J_W]

Kimberly wrote to another passive husband:

J&K 101, Steve

 

Melissa is acting out or responding and YOU do not like what you see in the MIRROR!!

 

The irony is that YOU are looking at your own reflection.

 

If you do not like what you see then adjust yourself, stop adjusting and breaking the mirror.

[FreeDog]

I appreciate your help June, thank-you for being faithful in letting me see myself as i am. I really need all the help I can get.

 

i do reject Crystal's mirrorring, I would rather cloak myself with deciet, but I do not decieve anyone but myself. My oldest son drove with me to my mom's and on the way I explained to him why I was out of the house, because I choose to run away from Crystal in a toddlerish rage instead of choosing wife and family I choose self and then sought to manipulate my monm's sympathy and my kids sympathy against Crystal. I tried to explain a little about arressted developement and howpassive/aggession works. It was a good conversation and he seemed to take it well.

 

i know the wedding is about him and his bride and I have no business seeking attention this weekend.

 

To bless Crystal is to believe her mirror and ADMIT that I am that bad, or that this is how SHE feels, and not absorb it and claim it as my own as I am want to do. To admit when I absorb so that she can have her feelings, and to be honest in communication. These things would bless her.

 

I am the one with the control and can control how i respond, with love or rejection. In the moment though I lapse, and forget that these are her feelings and then I choose to take them in as "I am so bad..." It does take focus and then refocus. Everything is doable. Die to self, die to self...

[J_W]

sure hope you are totally focusing on HOW to BLESS Crystal -- she needs you blessing her this weekend -- for she truly does not want to be at a wedding an feeling like such a bloomin' phony -- I know, I've been there, done that, and it is just awful for a mom to have those feelings at a wedding when SHE is there to be agape-loving her child, the one who is now joining to another, the son whom she knows has witnessed poor husbandry all of his life -- this is scary for her

 

there are some of your feelings you can focus on:

posted by Timothy Paul to another husband 6/7/11:

Focus on how you feel.....

 

Focus on how you feel when you make DR the most important woman walking this earth.

Focus on how you feel when you are laying your life down for DR with every breath.

Focus on how you feel when the rush of Agape love towards DR permeates every cell of your body

Focus on how you feel when your heart is serving DR with every action so you can present her unblemished

Focus on how you feel when you know you are bringing healing to DR's heart.

 

You are going to feel pretty darn good. When you focus on those feelings you are going to feel so good, you are going to want to stay focused on them. You don't want to quit focusing on how you feel, you just need to focus on the "right" feelings. The peace, joy, and love you are both going to feel will be so powerful, your actions will follow.

 

In Him....TP

 

now, get to blessing her socks off!

 

you CAN do this,

June of

[FreeDog]

One of our recurring problems is when we change rooms I tend to disconnect from her and start reacting to her. Things will be going well then we switch to the livingroom/familyroom/deck/bedroom... and I start reacting. Oh yeah, I see, it is because I drop proactivity along the way and expect Crystal to start it all up again, probably a "mommy do it" mentality. It also crops up when she cleans or we are cleaning up after lunch. I "feel" I need to help, "me help mommy". Ok, I was going to ask for suggestions, and feel free to jump right in, but it is pure mother-son, and the big word feel came in as well. "I feel" should be replaced with what would Crystal FEEL would bless/help her? Probably just get out of the way please, or a simple may i help? I see that I follow "I feel" way too often.

 

So it seems a simple thing, when switching rooms to remain active and focused on her. Really, at all times to focus on her feelings. Can't say i am making alot of head way learning to read her feelings, she still has to promt me way too often with words of validation. I could use help in this area, but it is probably just focusing on her and admitting I need her to point these things out.

[J_W]

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3518-feeling-words-to-help-validate-your-wife/

 

JUST BLESS HER -- if you spend your time doing that, you won't be having time to think about your SELF

 

 

 

my .02

June of

[J_W]

you once made VOWS to your bride --- your son is ready to do that tomorrow

 

 

I SWEAR

 

I see the questions in your eyes,

I know what's weighing on your mind

You can be sure, I know my part.

 

Cause I,

Stand beside you through the years

You'll only cry those happy tears,

And though I've made mistakes,

I'll never break your heart.

 

And I swear,

By the moon and the stars in the sky,

I'll be there

I swear,

Like a shadow that's by your side,

I'll be there

 

For better or worse, til death do us part

I'll love you with every beat of my heart

And I swear.

 

I'll give you everything I can,

I'll build your dreams with these two hands

We'll hang some memories on the walls

 

And when, just the two of us are there

You won't have to ask if I still care

'Cause as the times time will change,

My love won't age at all

 

And I swear,

By the moon and the stars in the sky

I'll be there

I swear,

Like a shadow that's by your side

I'll be there

 

For better or worse, til death do us part

I'll love you with every beat of my heart,

And I swear.

 

I swear,

By the moon and the stars in the sky

I'll be there

I swear,

Like a shadow that's by your side

I'll be there

 

For better or worse,

'Til death do us part

I'll love you with every single beat of my heart

And I swear

I swear.

 

 

so, BLESS your bride

 

she needs you to do that THIS WEEKEND, especially!

 

 

June of

[FreeDog]

This weekend was a fun one overall. We visited Saturday with our friends from Wisconsin, cooked out and visited. The wedding was simple and beautiful, bride and groom looked handsome together. Stayed connected wih Crystal while not smoothering her with my presence. Apologized for not being the real source of strength she needed.

 

I am finally seeing how deep rooted my childishness is and how i operate daily in it, at the same time i am catching it and learning to BELIEVE Crystal when she mirrors my attitudes. What she is doing is not mirroring what is outside, but she is actually showing me the junk in my heart.

 

This is embarrising but I have been learning my prayer life has been backwards. I pray 'Lord show me areas I need to confess and bring to light", Crystal comes and points stuff out and I get defensive and hurt; I pray "Cause me to be the man you created me to be" Crystal then comes with some need and i get childish. God has been really trying to answer my prayers by giving me a truly wonderful daughter of His to do it through. Weird, but I had the notion God would do it (very red in the face right now), I see it is me rising to the cause and meeting the needs of Crytal and my family God has blessed with all the tools, weapons blessings to do the job, plus He has my back. How passive/sinful to spend my entire Christian life thinking God would live it for me and i could just be blessed.

 

No, I haven't arrived yet, there is alot of growing up to do, but Crystal is way worth it, and now with the new family started it is really needed to grow up! Sorry Crystal it has taken so long for some of this to "crystalize(?)", really, you are the very definition of longsuffering and that is my fault for not keeping my covenant vows with you.

[FreeDog]

Thinking about fear and stepping out, stepping out in faith to overcome fear. there are times i am with Crystal, like in the kitchen at lunch time she is preparing the meal and i my supper for work, and I will get quiet/"focused on the task" thinking I may do something wrong; that's sin saying that. The answer is moving towards Crystal (not necessarily in steps), but speaking through the fear and coming out of the childhood that fears what mom might think. It becomes doing the opposite of what i am feeling usually, knowing my perceptions are deluded by selfishness and realizing my ego is huge and if not kept in check will swell up over stupid things like taking out the garbage, LOL.

 

Over coming my precieved needs by embracing the needs of others, and in the process having my actual needs met according to the riches of Chrit's grace. It is coming out of my head so that I can see my wife and hear what she is saying.

 

This is what was on my mind this morning.

[FreeDog]

It has been along time since I posted last. Talking with josh and kimberly i was reminded of self-relationship. i don't self gratify any more, but I still seek self relationship. One thing driven home, I do not want a relationship with myself! When Kimberly talked about it this weekend all i could think about were those garbage years of self, self self. Also the simple fact that Christ did not come to condem, how freeing is that? All that garbage in the past has been forgiven, Christ is using Crystal to point out road blocks to relationship; with her and Him. That's all, I viewed Crystal as my ogre mother and not the wonderful helpmeet that she is, in my immaturity I rejected the very thing I needed most and that is Crystal.

 

She is really broken right now and I have done nothing to reverse it. One thing I keep doing, and need some advice on, is after we have had a great day I get the notion that , "Ok, we are finally on the way, i can do this." Then crystal will express some need or point out a fault and Ifall down a hole. I have also deluded myself into thinking i am teachable, but see that no, i am very arrogant yet.

 

Learning to put thoughts into words and actually express them coherently has been a learning experience. When in relationship with ones self one does not have to worry about that. it ia amazing that one does not have to manipulate to express desires and wants, LOL, if one just communicates. My default is manipulation and deceit, and it is too easy to slip into it, that is my dragon to slay, that and self relationship. Well, it has been awhile, don't know if anything made sense or not.

[FreeDog]

this morning would be a good time to have a melancholly moment. Crystal is at work and i probably won't see her before I leave, my middle son will sleep until noon... but you know what, i ain't going there. that is self-relationship wrapped up in candy coated "psycho babble". Instead i choose relationship with Christ and my family.

 

Crystal pointed out something to me, again, and that is as the Head the feeling i am feeling is what I wash Crystal with. That is a powerful statement, one that i have been running from instead of embracing, also been fleeing from the fact that I represent Christ in the marriage. Fleeing in cowardace and not fighting. No wonder Crystal is at the end of her rope.

[Chrysallis]

Thank you for being so open about the ogre mother you regarded Crystal as. It has opened my eyes to how my H viewed me. Believe me, your wife is more like a girl in how she views you, and when you treat her like an ogre mother, it devastates her. What she wants is help and nurture, just like she gave to the kids.

[J_W]

this morning would be a good time to have a melancholly moment. Crystal is at work and i probably won't see her before I leave, my middle son will sleep until noon... but you know what, i ain't going there. that is self-relationship wrapped up in candy coated "psycho babble". Instead i choose relationship with Christ and my family.

 

Crystal pointed out something to me, again, and that is as the Head the feeling i am feeling is what I wash Crystal with. That is a powerful statement, one that i have been running from instead of embracing, also been fleeing from the fact that I represent Christ in the marriage. Fleeing in cowardace and not fighting. No wonder Crystal is at the end of her rope.

 

the DO something about it, FD. ONLY you can! You ARE the initiator --- so INITIATE positives!

 

 

June of

[FreeDog]

Crystal gave to me a book that is full of "ouches". it has things in it that say "..if a husband wants to receive he is being a woman." Also that "looking at her is looking at' me. i have noticed the difference when i am out of my mind for Crystal as oppossed to being in my own world. When out she is so relaxed, life is good; when i am not life is not so good. i used to believe the good was because she was being less "picky', but no, it is because she is being washed with positives and she really is relaxed, she is not in control of it, she just responds.

 

I have ideas about how to stay out of my head, but is there any advice from a melancholly/used to be passive guy about how to keep from going into ones head when the best thing in life is sitting next to them. Like at a winery, say, I am sitting there enjoying the afternoon, in my head, while Crystal sits there not enjoying herself. Yeah, obviously, one should apologize and engage conversation. OK, I know whay to do, maybe i need a cattle prod instead of advice, LOL.

 

I know it comes down to being with her "in the moment", watching her and not writting lists. Funny, but i would never know how lousey my character is if not for Crystal.

[FreeDog]

Checking back in here. My work schedule will change next week and I will start back on dayshift, should open up some opportunities to listen to calls together and earlier. The change will hopefully do us good, granted we will still be the same people, but a new routine may be good.

 

We spent the day driving down to Paducah to have lunch and look at the quilt museum. Was fun and also a learning experience as well. learning that it is this moment that counts and it is like placing beads on a string. If you drop a bead it's all right, go on to the next one, but if you get all reactive about the dropped bead the you end up losing the others and you need to start over. Realizing that it is not Crystal I am rebelling against, but like Adam I am fighting and blaming God, how arrogant.

 

To focus on Crystal and her feelings, to finally realize that "Oh Yeah...she has reason to feel the way she does I don't." I spent many years putting those feelings into her the only thing I can expect is for her to spend that much time getting them out, and love her no matter. Why it has been such a challenge to listen to her I don't know, but it has actually been enjoyable this weekend. Not to say there weren't dropped moments, but they were only moments.

[TimothyPaul]

Hey Freedog, You mention being a melancholy. Did you have a temperament test done. Where is the melancholy, in inclusion, control (not likely) or affection?

 

TP

[FreeDog]

TP; the Inclusion was Melancholy Compulsive; Control was Supine Compulsive; and Affection was Supine Phlegmatic.

 

here is a situation that just happened and was hoping someone could give some advise as to how I could have hadled it better. My mother and brother stopped by for a visit and after they left Crystal asked "What's wrong?" I said "Nothing, is something wrong?" She then said "I feel stressed by their visit." I didn't respond to her but ignored. I realize that is not the right response, but what would have been?

[JoelandKathy]

When Kathy tells me she feels stressed, I stop, rub her shoulders, hug her from the front or behind or side.. that doesn't matter.. I tell her I love her, I ask if she would like me to do anything to help her out, I ask her if she would just like to lay down or sit down and cuddle.

 

The goal is a lot of Oxytocin release in her.

 

Oxytocin is the solution for a woman's stress. A husband is the means of releasing tons of Oxytocin into his wife's body. The touches, loving words, listening to her share her heart or just listening to her talk about anything and actively engaging in the conversation, doing something she asks you to do quickly, hugs, smiles, kisses of course!

 

Her telling you she feels stressed is her invitation to you to give her some attention. Laid back guys have a tendency to (incorrectly) wait for their wife to signal "permission" to show them affection which drives the poor wife up the wall... so when a wife opens the door for you like that, you are having a blessing of her invitation.

 

"I am stressed" means "please touch me, love me, be kind to me." When a man does that, the Oxytocin is released in her and guess what? After a while? Happy Wife, Happy Life!!!!!

[FreeDog]

Crystal, you deserve an apology, because weekly when you start to feel loved, you have it torn away from you and you are left all alone and uncared for. I cannot begin to imagine how much this must hurt you for you are so sensitive, this must really wrench your heart.

 

Weekly, the one who is supposed to love and care for you more than anyone, chooses to take the things that are yours and turn them around to love myself, and then expect you to accept it! It must tear you apart inside. That I could allow this weekly beating to go on is shameful. All you are doing is sharing your feelings and opening up your heart in relationship.

 

You were not meant to have to take care of a big baby, but you were deceived into believing you would be cared for by a man with tenderness and compassion. I apologize for not fighting for my marriage, for expecting you to accept my immature offerings and feed life to me, Sue I have failed to love you as a man. I am self-centered and weekly manipulate you into being a husband instead of choosing to be your husband. I apologize for choosing to believe lies and deceit, that my feelings are greater than yours.

 

Crystal, you only want to be loved and cared for. These are not high expectations, but only what you are entitled to. Twenty-five years ago I promised them to you, I have not kept my promise. you have been an excellent Help-meet and I appreciate and need your insight into what blocks our relationship. I do make it hard on you and I can't imagine how discouraging it is for you when you are ignored and beat up weekly.

 

I commit, before you and Jesus, that I will fight for our marriage. Love, Freedog

[FreeDog]

Here is a question that came up in my mind. When I am experiencing a Mother/Son moment I usually take a break from Crystal to go before the Lord and then come back shortly. Sometimes this works, sometimes not. Is there a better way to overcome the moment, what has worked for others? I really wish I could describe the feelings that occur it would make the question easier to understand, but I don't seem to be able to put it into words. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Was also thinking the other morning about anger and how subtle it really is. I have always seen anger as outward, loud and violent, but really it begins as quiet deception. Crystal being so sensitive feels it for what it is way before I do, and i don't see it until it is visable, hence, i8t is extremely important to believe Crystal before she gets hurt; to nip it before it starts.