Ready to be the Man of my womans dreams

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hey everyone,

 

Today is the one month anniversary of S being back home. Things are going really good in my opinion and in a conversation we had last night, she says she is really happy. We had one incident last week, where we were discussing finances and suddenly she got upset and said she didn't want to talk anymore. It shocked me because things had been going so well and my initial thought was oh no but without skipping a beat, I was able to do an attitude check and realized that I was bulldozing her with my agenda. I quickly put my attitude in check and did a L.O.V.E.R's apology. Her defenses quickly came back down and we were able to finish our conversation and had a great rest of our evening.

 

Yesterday, she came home from work and informed me that she could not go back to work. There is something going on with her fingerprint clearance with the DOJ. When she was interviewed and hired, her employer called and verified her eligibility and even got a confirmation number. I guess yesterday, her employer got a letter stating that there was something wrong and that S needed to go an start the process over again. The sad part is it could take 2-3 weeks for the clearance to go through again. S was not happy about it but was going to go down this morning and start the process over again. Good news was that her tax refund came back, so that helps in the meantime. It is important to S that she feels that she is contributing and that she has the income to not feel trapped if things do not work out, so I hope this works itself out soon.

 

She has been looking at different colleges and is getting really excited about going back to school to get her bachelors degree, a dream she has put off in the past but it now ready to pursue. She has a couple of appointments next week and will hopefully find something that is a good fit for her!

 

I am so excited to have her home and have the opportunity to be a blessing to her and to bring her healing. I thank her for having the guts to leave me so that I would be broken down enough to find this ministry and God, who are helping me become the man of her dreams and the man God created me to be!

[MaryJane]

Very encouraging report!  Thanks!

 

And I agree, bulldozing is bad... 

[Looney_Tunes]

Very nice adjustment. The cattle prod is on standby, just in case.

 

I'll pray that S's job gets straightened out quickly.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hey everyone,

 

Just wanted to check in and say HI!  [smilie=hi ya!.gif]

 

 

Things with having S home have been going fantastic. I just can not begin to explain how different things are this time. Let me just be clear in stating that here, that it is not her that is different this time, it is me. It amazes me how clueless I was. It was like I was a millionaire and had shoved it all in a   

coffee can, buried it and forgot I was rich. I now fully understand, just how RICH I am to have the privileged to call S my wife! It is amazing to watch her be healed and blossom as I love her the way Christ intended....

 

We had an amazing 4th of July weekend which started on Friday morning, I took the day off. Our plans had not been completely locked down, but we were tentatively planning on going to a block party. Friday morning, our daughter asked if she could go to her best friend Kelsie's for the day and stay the night for the 4th. Our son and his girl friend also decided to make other plans, so it was just going to be S and I. While I was driving my daughter over to her friends, S texted me and asked me if I wanted to go on a motorcycle ride over to the coast. I was like YEAH!

 

We had the most amazing time. Left at 10am and didn't get home until 10pm. We enjoyed the drive, enjoyed the beach, and enjoyed each other - it was absolutely awesome times. On our ride home, as we drove back over the pass into the valley, we had the most incredible view of all the firework shows - at least 5 big shows that we watched as we drove towards home. S said she had such a great time and thanked me! I said for what - she said for loving me!

 

Lots more, but gotta run - hope you all had a great 4th of July weekend too! 

[Looney_Tunes]

Awesome!

 

OK, it sounds like you have turned into a pretty decent husband. I'm going to let you live.

[JoelandKathy]

We are so proud of you Tony! AND of your bride!

 

The human experience has twists and turns.  

 

You both have made huge changes to land in a happy place.  

 

Bursting with the thrill of victory for you both over here! 

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm writing this from my iPad so not going to be real wordy or able write all I'd like to say - time flies when your having an OHM!

 

Today is Shawn's first day back to College. It has been her dream for a long time to get her degree in either early childhood development or teaching. Her real dream job is to work with young teen moms or disabled or needy kids/families. I am excited for her and for us. I just finished getting my degree and now it is her turn.

 

I took vacation this week so I could help her and the house get ready. On Saturday we drove down here together so she could feel comfortable driving here alone and where to find her classes. Yesterday she asked me if I wouldn't mind driving her and hanging out since I was on vacation. We had an awesome day.

 

I can't even begin to explain how well things are going. While setting here tonight I was going through all of my old notes and memos I would write to myself along this journey. Some were forum posts that never happened, some were just me complaining because it was taking too long and many were inspirations that I received from the calls, books and my time with God to keep pursuing.

 

It is simply amazing to look back now and see the journey. To see the principals taught here by Joel and Kathy's ministry come to fruition, and actually take shape and come to life. It's not over by any means, this is a journey not a destination. I am loving getting to know S again and seeing her fall inlove with me all over again.

 

Here are a few of my shorter notes.

 

- What did I want in my marriage and what do I want now? I want to bless my wife and to be her lover, her friend, and her confidant. I want to meet her needs and desires and make her dreams come true.

 

- My happiness: Is not and should not be based on others but rather on the truths and promises

of God

 

- Do I truely believe that Jesus Christ is Lord of my life? Am I truely willing to put everything in his hands and regardless of the circumstances or outcome and still put my trust in Him and rely on Him?

 

- Sometimes God redeems us from our trials, but sometimes he redeems us through our trials....

 

- What does going first look like? Christ did not loose his life, he gave it - unconditionally!

 

- Maybe the key to her heart is time, if I truly love her, time is all I have that she will accept right now

 

- Each time I am ready to give up, God renews His grace and His grace is always sufficient 

 

- Why isn't my wife responding? Why is it taking so long?

 

She is not responding the way I want her to respond. She is not responding in my timing. I can't forget that I did abused her for 20 years and she will not be able to forgive me for that overnight and maybe not at all. For 20 years I sowed bad seeds that I am now reaping the harvest from. All I can do now is to sow new seeds and hope they will not fall on rocks and not sprout. She may be thinking that I'm just going to do this long enough to get her back and then I'm going to go back to my old self. I have to show her that this is a lasting change and that I'm not going anywhere.

 

- Stay consistent, don't worry about what she is doing or not doing

- Don't worry about her response or lack of response

- Love her where is at

- Love her in understanding

- Take responsibility for causing this

- Be all in

 

Most men would jump in front of a bullet for their wives, but are they willing to give up the remote or go to the restaurant or movie they want to go to. If we jump in front of the bullet, we are going to be in Heaven with Jesus, but when we choose to die to ourselves here on earth for our wives, it is only then we that we are truely sacraficing for our wives the way the Christ sacrificed for us. It is those little things that show your wife how much you love them, not just the big things. In a bad marriage, it is the little things that kill the marriage because they happen (or don't happen) over and over and over. Those little things tell your wife they are special or that they don't matter to you. Big issues are often made up of the little things that build up over time.

 

So many notes and thoughts. I'm so glad I took the time to write them down. I'll share more. I also have notes that remind me of things S has shared with me over the three years of seperation and even now:

 

- places she likes to eat

- movies she would like to go see

- past movies she would like to rent on DVD

- date ideas

- wish lists

- conversation ideas

- books to read

- places to visit

 

All of these things helped me and continue to help me to stay the course and learn to love my wife. I never thought I would actually get to do some of these things with S again but it happened, slowly then suddenly. Now my lists help me plan our dates and bless her over and over. I'll never stop learning new things about her and how I can be a blessing - wow - what a priveledge!

 

God bless - Guys hang in there, don't give up and always put God first and your "feelings" last!

[ChooseLove]

Thank you for sharing all that Tony.  I am going to print it out as a reminder.  I am so happy for you and your wife.  What an amazing testimony.  God bless you both.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hello everyone,

 

Listened to this song again and watched the video that included clips from FireProof. I get emotional everytime (such a great story)...

 

Click on link to play video: While I'm Waiting

 

Remember, either your doing the wrong thing or not doing the right thing long enough - hang in there brothers. I am living proof that this works if you stick with this process and GO ALL IN......Will you serve HIM while you wait and not get selfish?

 

Hear ya on the calls or on the recordings......

[ChooseLove]

Thank Tony.  Yes I am all in.  You are such an encouragement to me.  Thanks for sharing the video. Look forward to catching-up with you on the calls.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Here is another song that really touched my heart and impacted the way I think.

 

Slow Fade by Casting Crowns: http://youtu.be/MaKDT_Cifec

 

When we got married, I don't think any of us wanted to have a bad marriage or to be selfish jerks.  It was a slow fade for most of us that was the results of one bad decision after another that got us to where we are today. Yes, there is arrested development, mother-son-issues, family dynamics and so many other excuses but ultimately no one left to blame but ourselves at the end of the day.

 

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

People never crumble in a day

Daddies never crumble in a day

Husbands never crumble in a day

 

Families never crumble in a day

 

So how do we turn this around?

 

The turn around is about being deliberate. It is about choosing to be a blessing rather than a curse. It is about making Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior and about understanding what His going to the cross means for you and what He is now calling you to do in return.

 

Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water.

 

Which way are you fading? Towards Christ or towards the world (ie: Satan)?

[ChooseLove]

Thanks for sharing Tony.  That is a good reminder.  I look forward to hearing you on the men's call.  I should be checking in on Thursday, if not then on Saturday morning.  God bless you brother!

[Rebuilding Trust]

Wishing everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. I am very thankful to have my wife back home, can't believe its been 6 months already, how time flies when your head over heals in love. We are having a big family get together at our house in just a few short hours so I have to run and bless my bride.

 

I am so thankful for this ministry and for Joel and Kathy, may God richly bless you both....

[ChooseLove]

Tony, so glad to hear it.  Your journey is certainly an encouragement to me.  Praise be to God!

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hey guys,

 

Just wanted to check in and let you all know that things are going great with Shawn and I. It was so nice having her home for the holidays. We had both Thanksgiving and Christmas at our home - this was the first time in probably 10 years. It was so nice to have the families together again and to just really enjoy the time. Shawn and I make such a great team when I'm there supporting, encouraging and praising her for all she does instead of the old me who would disappear and then complain when things didn't go as planned. Who was that clueless guy?

 

Life is so much better on the other side. Many days, it becomes hard to tell who is initiating and who is responding. Shawn is struggling with some health issues (migraines, arthritis, asthma)  but she says it's not because of any stress from us. She works 20-30 hours a week in a preschool and is going to college 2-3 nights a week on top of working, so she is a busy girl. It is my goal and mission to do my best to support her and set her up for success. I continue to help my daughter with her school (home school charter) and to keep the house and cooking up so she can focus mostly on school and herself.

 

We are in the convertible and heading down the road to an OHM!

[ChooseLove]

Great update Tony!  God bless you all.  I am so thankful for your continued involvement with the ministry.

[Rebuilding Trust]

 

Update:The divorce was final Dec 27, I have sole custody on my girls, & recently moved so I can sell the house I got in the settlement. My ex sees our kids semiregularly, is currently unemployed, & blames me for everything. Except for his parents, his family has stopped speaking to me. I am in the process of recovering, though I have some mental health issues to work through, including nightly nightmares, occasional flashbacks and panic attacks, but I'm getting there. I will NEVER go back, even if he transformed and spent the rest of his life trying to prove it. Which he won't. No change, no miracle here..

 

Guys, this could be any of us. God brings us to this ministry so that we can learn to step up and out of our crap (excuse the language). Most of us end up here out of desperation because we have just lost our wives and we say we are willing to do anything to win her back. But why do some men make it and some men don't, we are all clueless? 

 

I truly believe it is because of lack of understanding, lack of commitment but mostly lots of selfishness. Those men that make it through this ministry understand that their marriages fell apart because they tore it apart. They take responsibility for ALL the pain and suffering that they themselves, as well as all others, have put their wives through - they get it! The wife is their mirror and she reflects back what she is given. She responds, he initiates - it is the way God created us! The men that make it through this ministry understand that their wives are a gift from God himself and that they have both the honor and the privileged of laying down their lives for her, just as Christ laid down His life for us.

 

I write this response because I know that if I did not choose to walk this out, I would too would have ended up unemployed and full of bitterness towards my wife and towards God. We all have free will, God will not make us follow him but "for me and my house, we will serve the lord".... Joshua 24:15......

 

Don't let this be you!

 

 

[MaryJane]

The men that make it through this ministry understand that their wives are a gift from God himself and that they have both the honor and the privileged of laying down their lives for her, just as Christ laid down His life for us.

 

 

 

Thank you for your post, Rebuilding Trust!  I believe what you say in the above sentence, with all my heart!  Marriage is an honour and a privilege.  God ordained it "in the beginning."  It behooves the whole world to get marriage right. 

 

A side benefit of getting it right would be, almost no more wars or rumours of wars.

 

 

[Rebuilding Trust]

Hey everyone,

 

Just checking in to say HI and give an update. Things are still going very very well with my wife and I being back together. I have to admit that it has not been completely easy - it has taken work and commitment on my part to not fall back into my old ways. Trust me when I say that there was one day recently where my flesh wanted to cry out foul! Thankfully, I was able to do what I learned early on in this ministry and that is taking it to the Lord and not vomiting on my wife. I was able to step away and go on a walk and talk, no yell, at God about what I was feeling. God listened and he brought the situation into light for me and he gave me peace and understanding and a great big hug too. God is my source of Life and Strength and I am hers - that is God's design!

 

Last night, I went to a SLEEP CENTER to get tested for "sleep apnea"! Didn't take them more than a  couple of hours to put me onto a cpap machine, they said I stopped breathing like 4 times an hour and snore very loudly. It took a couple of hours to get adjusted to the machine and find the right mask before I could really sleep. I think I fell asleep about midnight and slept pretty much straight through until 6am except for a few wires getting crossed. I am felling pretty good today.

 

My wife was so thankful this morning that I went and did the tests. She was not at all surprised of the results, after all, she sleeps with me every night. Oh, this was not a new problem, it has been going on for years - all the tossing and turning and snoring. Since she has been home, she has made me go sleep in the spare room when it gets bad and sometimes all night if she has to be up real early or needed a good nights rest - this was part of the frustration I was having earlier that I mentioned. I understood but my mind started telling me she was pulling away, she didn't love me, she was - well you get the drift.

 

All of those stupid thoughts were straight from the pits of hell - so not true. In fact, she loved me so much and she just wanted me to get some help and to not have my problem affect her anymore. I am so thankful that my wife has learned not to accept mediocrity from me anymore, that she is willing and able to stand up for herself. 

 

Last night I got help and she was so so thankful for it this morning - we ended up having an incredible conversation and time together before I had to pull it together and get to work. I do find it so weird that I never picked up on her ques, her hints and her out right requests in the past to get this taken care of - guess I was pretty clueless. Now I'm looking forward to sleeping with my baby and being more of a  blessing to her than a curse.

 

Here is to living with my wife in understanding!

[MaryJane]

Here is my favourite paragraph from your post, Rebuilding Trust!

 

 

All of those stupid thoughts were straight from the pits of hell - so not true. In fact, she loved me so much and she just wanted me to get some help and to not have my problem affect her anymore. I am so thankful that my wife has learned not to accept mediocrity from me anymore, that she is willing and able to stand up for herself. 

 

 

 

So much good stuff in your update.  Thank you very much!

[ChooseLove]

Thanks for sharing Tony.  It is good to hear about your continuing  journey.  It helps me to be guarded and inspired to love my wife in an understanding way.  I am so glad to have met you through this ministry!

[John Broken]

Tony, thank you so much! God is using your example in a mighty way! Such an inspiration. Thank you for your strength and obedience. You have proved His good and perfect will. Gives me so much hope! Thank you.

P.S. I doubted your walk at times but kept watching....you walked by faith rather than sight. Kudos my brother thank you!!

[John Broken]

You bride is a blessed woman now! May God keep you and yours Amen!

[Rebuilding Trust]

This is a secular song that my wife pointed out to me and I thought i would share to the men. Even though this song is talking about two people who are not married yet, WE MEN, can still change and be the HUSBAND SHE ALWAYS WANTED US TO BE going forwards:

 

The best line is this:

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady

Even when I'm acting crazy
Tell me everything's alright

 

Dear future husband (Title of Song),

 

Here's a few things
You'll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life

 

Take me on a date
I deserve a break
And don't forget the flowers every anniversary
'Cause if you'll treat me right
I'll be the perfect wife
Buying groceries
Buy-buying what you need

 

You got that 9 to 5
But, baby, so do I
So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies
I never learned to cook
But I can write a hook
Sing along with me
Sing-sing along with me (hey)

 

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
Even when I'm acting crazy
Tell me everything's alright

 

Dear future husband,
Here's a few things you'll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life
Dear future husband,
If you wanna get that special lovin'
Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night

 

After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right
Even if I was wrong
You know I'm never wrong
Why disagree?
Why, why disagree?

 

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
Even when I'm acting crazy
Tell me everything's alright

 

Dear future husband,
Here's a few things
You'll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life (hey, baby)
Dear future husband,
Make time for me
Don't leave me lonely
And know we'll never see your family more than mine

 

I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey)
Open doors for me and you might get some kisses
Don't have a dirty mind
Just be a classy guy
Buy me a ring
Buy-buy me a ring, babe

 

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
Even when I'm acting crazy
Tell me everything's alright

 

Dear future husband,
Here's a few things
You'll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life
Dear future husband,
If you wanna get that special loving
Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night

 

Future husband, better love me right

Read more: Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

 

 

 

You Tube Link: https://youtu.be/3x6Lq0wAhv0

[Rebuilding Trust]

Think about this men. Joel has said this on the men's calls many times. Most men that come into this ministry and only last a few months. This is because after about three to six months of walking this out, they get frustrated because they are not yet seeing the reaction they want from their wives. They say this isn't working and they let their selfishishness take over and they walk away from the ministry and their marriage and they move on because "this is too hard" and/or "this hurts too much".

 

Think about your wife and how long she hung on to the marriage unhappy, hurting, and in a sense lonely because you were not meeting her needs and putting her first. Most of these guys that come here have been married 15 to 25 years before their wife finally had enough and decided enough is enough. So seriously, a man can't handle 2 years of walking this out like the ministry asks?

 

The answer to that question is YES, a man can. The problem is that most of the men that end up here are not MEN, they are toddlers who never really grew up and learned how to become a MAN. They throw selfish tantrums when they don't get their way and they pretty much do as they please and hope they get away with it one more time. When they don't they apologize but then do it again and again because they can. These so called MEN do not have the patience or discipline to walk this out.

 

But why wouldn't a MAN want to walk this out after loosing his wife? Well, he did find the ministry so he must want to win his wife back, correct? 

 

Most of the men that find their way here, at first anyways, do want to win their wives back but for all the wrong reasons. They want their wife back because they feel lonely and miss her, they might be embarassed to friends and family, they might miss "mommy" taking care of them, or many other reasons. These guys have not come to grips yet with the fact that they married the RIGHT woman and that she is not crazy for any other reason than they made her that way. These guys do not take responsibility for what they have done to the marriage and they do not appreciate or understand the fact that their wife lasted 10 to 20 times longer than she will need to in order to win her back...

 

Only when a guy is able to understand and take 100% responsibility is he able to muster up the strength and the courage and the endurance that it will take to win her heart back. But that will not be enough in itself, he must also submit himself to God and set out on a journey to put God first in his life. He must walk this out because God is calling him too or it will not work. If he puts winning his wife back before putting God first, he will not be able to succeed.

 

Don't get me wrong, he may manipulate her, manipulate the circumstances, push, pull and tug and get her to give him another chance but it will never last because he didn't change. He will fall back into this old ways eventually and she will leave him again and this time, she will not be winnable - she will be done and justifibly so......

 

You may also choose to walk this out and not win her back but that too is ok, because if you have put God first and not your wife, you will come out the other side a new man in Christ and as a side benefit you will also be a better ex-husband, a better new husband if you remarry, a better son, father, brother, employee, boss, etc..... I still can not believe how much I have grown through this process and I did win my wife back. But guys like Timothy Paul and David who did not win their wives back (yet), have become great men of God and leaders of men. Isn't that a win win? 

 

Guys, walking this out is not just a priviledge, it is an honor and a calling from God Himself! What are you going to do?