The Donkey & The DeLorean (Eeyore & HerDensity)

[Eeyore]

Yes! A visit to Heather and Jess is definitely in my future! I would LOVE to meet you guys IRL (in real life). You have been such an encouragement to us.

 

I told HD that he needs to take the full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. I think that he will try, but they are the most denial-filled people that I have ever met, and just discussing it will probably send them into a major tail spin. I might never see them again! But oh well. Once again, God blesses walking in TRUTH, not lies. He will bless HD's efforts, I know that for sure.

 

So, Looney, when you wanna go to Kansas?

[Eeyore]

HD is heading to CA for two weeks. He will see his parents over Easter weekend, while in CA.

 

Here is what I posted on my thread...

HD's parents have not been to visit us in 12 years! It is a long story, but basically stems from the way that he treated me in front of family (or behind family's back). His mom visited when our son was born, and she was not happy with how I was treating her son.

 

I had a newborn, a 2 year old, and HD was doing NOTHING to help me! I was trying to have friends over for his birthday, and they both promised to help. Then they went outside and played basketball and ignored me. I was left to clean the house, care for the baby, etc. I was NOT happy.

 

We ended up going to a friend's house instead (it was also Easter!). Well, she told me BEST FRIEND that if it was not for the grandchildren (and her son), she would never come to our house again. When we got home, we tried to talk to her about it, and she lied, denied the whole thing, and said that she is not the type of person to "hold a grudge".

 

Well, she has not been back for 12 YEARS!! No grudge?!! Ummm... yeah.

 

So, my in-laws are talking about visiting. (It comes up once in a while, but obviously nothing has happened in a long time.) Well, my sis-in-law showed up for a visit last night (she is married to HD's middle brother). She lived in Alaska and was visiting her family in Minnesota when Mt Redoubt blew. Now she can't get home, so she drove over to see us! (I love her! She is like my little sis!)

 

Anyway, she asked if the in-laws visited us when the were in Missouri visiting their other son. Ummm.... no! We did not even know that they were coming down! This son (youngest brother) is in MO for THREE months for work! And they flew down to visit him! We left Alaska SIX YEARS AGO!! Neutral

 

More than that... they did not even tell us that they were coming down here. They were only a few hours away!! Neutral

 

Anyway, (sorry so long!) HD KNEW that I was hurt. I am hurt and mad and insulted!! I have done everything to make things better with them, and even though they pretend that everything is great, obviously my MIL, who never holds a grudge, is holding a grudge! Neutral

 

HD is heading to CA for two weeks, and he will be gone over Easter. His parents are flying down to visit his great uncle, and HD will go there for Easter weekend, so HD will get to see them.

 

Then today I posted this...

 

HD and I have discussed how and what he will say to his parents. We have decided basically that he will tell them that he owns the problems in our marriage, and he is going to apologize (on behalf of both of us) for any time they felt uncomfortable in our home due to the state of our marriage. We both agree that he is NEVER going to convince his mother that she is wrong in not coming here or blaming her for anything. However, she may come to that realization herself. And this is a more Christ-like way to handle the situation. I feel like HD is laying down his life in a Christ-like way in all areas of his life, and since we are in agreement, then it is a good thing.

 

Heather posted this...

 

I can't promise that they are going to change their minds here...but it will be healing for you when HS does this....

 

and...

 

Sounds like you guys came up with a great game plan here...Just make sure he takes all the responsibility of the problems in the marriage... and stress the fact that you are not at fault for any of it....

 

Anyone have any specific ideas on handling this? I know that HD will read this weekend (he has not been on much lately) and would appreciate the input. (And if not, I want him to have the input anyway! )

 

He did such a good job of handling things with my family. But his family is different (not to make excuses for him!!)...

 

I posted on my thread...

 

I told HD that he needs to take the full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. I think that he will try, but they are the most denial-filled people that I have ever met, and just discussing it will probably send them into a major tail spin. I might never see them again! But oh well. Once again, God blesses walking in TRUTH, not lies. He will bless HD's efforts, I know that for sure.

 

Thanks for the help! And the continued prayers! This is a BIG hurdle in our marriage. His family does not think he does any wrong, and of course, that means that I do it all wrong.

[Looney_Tunes]

So, Looney, when you wanna go to Kansas?

 

Now. I'm having a real hoovery night at work.

[JoelandKathy]

What a wonderful blessing you guys are living in! Stunning miracle for you! Congratulations! SO COOL! (referring to the new house for HD and Eeyore -

 

HEY! Is HerDensity been changed to "Her Destiny" yet?

 

We or Dory or Celia or Judy can do that...

[Giving Hope]

Anytime.. you're both welcomed...just say the word and come on over....

[Looney_Tunes]

HD, just remember when you're talking to your folks that you can't control their reaction. You can only control what you say. If they go into a tail spin, well, they do. Nothing you can do about it. Your first responsibility is towards Eeyore, not your parents, so don't let them guilt you into anything.

 

I am really, really proud of you.

[Looney_Tunes]

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!

[HerDestiny]

Howdy, everyone - I want to thank everyone for all of the kind words over my birthday! Eeyore treated me like a KING - I never know what she's up to when it comes to doing special things for me, and this birthday was no exception! She did such a great job making me feel special, that I don't even FEEL OLDER!!

 

I am all packed up and ready to head to California - it's going to be a crazy two weeks! I have some things to straighten out with a company that we work with there - they just aren't performing up to the standards of our company. Additionally, I am traveling/working with a company VP the first week, and the CEO the second week - we aren't a big company, but I'm not used to working with people at this level! Add to all of this the fact that I believe they are going to be offering me a big promotion on the trip, and there's some pressure in my brain tonight!

 

Oh, and let's not forget the visit with my parents over Easter weekend!

 

In the past, all of this stress would have TOTALLY sent me into a cycle of distancing from Eeyore, doing things to hurt her, becoming angry when she gets hurt, and just creating an overall ugly home environment (who am I kidding, just one of these things would have put me here!) But, we are connected together, we are sharing life, and our house is peaceful and pleasant! It's AMAZING, just flat out amazing, and I am so humbled by what God has done!

 

So, everyone please pray for my travel, and for my family as I am gone. I think that they will be spending ALOT of time with Looney's family, which will be GREAT for them (although who knows how many new animals I will come home to!), so that will make the time go quickly for them. Eeyore will be driving a lot while I am gone (she has some work classes going on), so I want to make sure that she is covered in prayer.

 

And, please pray for me and my conversation with my parents - as Eeyore posted recently on her thread, there has been considerable tension between my mother and Eeyore since the last time she visited our home. Getting into that discussion with her will most likely not yield any positive results, but I do want to talk to them about our marriage, and all that I have done to make Eeyore seem like the problem. I want to get the point across to them that I have not been an "angel" in our marriage, and that I deserve the "credit" for all of the problems that we have had - plain and simple. Even if they don't believe it, they will hear it.

 

The family is taking me to the airport in the morning, so we need to get to bed. Thanks for your prayers, folks!

 

HerDensity

[Eeyore]

HD just pointed out to me that this trip is under such amazingly different circumstances than when it was first became a possibility.

 

He looked at me, with tears in his eyes, and told me how much he is going to miss me.

 

How much better can it get than that?!!

[Looney_Tunes]

 

I think that they will be spending ALOT of time with Looney's family, which will be GREAT for them (although who knows how many new animals I will come home to!)

 

Would I do such a thing?

 

We'll be praying for you.

[Eeyore]

Looney and I were discussing this today. She actually brought it up, and I said, "Hey, I was just thinking that yesterday!".

 

It is about venting. Since things have turned around for us, I do not feel a need to vent. I am just happy! The only thing that I feel is a BIG "I TOLD YOU SO!" to HD... I have told him for years and years that life is not supposed to be this hard. EVERYTHING was a struggle... EVERY DAY was a struggle... and that is not how God intends for us to live!

 

Now that things have changed, I think that he is amazed by the simplicity of it all. I am happy, he is happy... simple! Of course, it DID take some hard work on his part, and I know that there will be more work, but it is NOT THAT HARD!!

 

It is nice to walk away from the pain of the past. At least at this point, I have no need to revisit it all. I just want to move on and enjoy life! (Maybe that is the Sanguine in me!)

 

I had completely forgotten about the "list of 100" things that the hubby is supposed to write. I am sure that he forgot too. I will ask HD to work on it once he is back from CA. That might stir some things up for us. But it will be good. I think that it will be a good next step.

 

I came down with a migraine last night and it is still lingering today. Usually I take my meds and sleep it off. This one is lasting longer. It is not too bad... just lingering. Oh well, HD is gone and I can just rest (not that I couldn't rest with him here!). He called several times to check on me today.

[dory]

His family does not think he does any wrong, and of course, that means that I do it all wrong.

 

We continue to battle this one too. Just had another battle in this particular war last weekend. It might be a blessing that she lives so far away! I have little excuse for not visiting my in-laws... except that I don't care for the way they devalue me.

 

And the beat goes on....

 

Blessings to you dear lady as you manage for two weeks. I would be a wreck! Keeping you in my prayers. Lunch sometime soon?

[Eeyore]

Lunch sometime soon?

 

Yes! These two weeks are going to be crazy, but I will call you!

[Eeyore]

I had a bad dream last night. HD and I were trying to get home from the airport and could not find the right road out of the airport. He was being rude and condescending to me. I took off all the rings that I was wearing (4 of them), and threw 3 out the window. The 4th one was my wedding ring. I took that one off and gave it to HD. The dream ended with us spinning out on the snowy roads and ending up in a snow bank.

 

Not a fun way to wake up! I wonder if the dream was stirred by some stuff that came up last night. When I called HD, he was in the car with the other guy from work that he is traveling with this week. I heard a woman's voice in the car, which was the GPS system. But it scared me for a minute!

 

Then it hit me that this guy that HD is traveling with is not the best influence. When we visited their house, he had some "men's" magazines in the bathroom. He also showed HD some photos from Sturgis (the big Harley gathering which he goes to every year). One was of a woman in a leather vest... anyway, I won't go into details.

 

So, it stirred up quite a bit of insecurities in me. Not only about this guy, but about the MANY times when we have been apart and HD spent the entire time involved in porn.

 

When our son was a year old, I took both kids to visit my parents. HD could not get the time off, so he stayed behind. We had a filter on the computer, but it did not work with the program that HD needed to work from home. He asked for the password a few days before I left, and I forgot to change it.

 

When we got home, HD told me (on the way home from the airport!) that he had been involved in porn the WHOLE time that I was gone. I felt like he had another woman in our bed the whole week. At this point I don't remember how we got past this, but we did. Thankfully.

 

So, I guess I spoke too soon when I said that I don't feel the need to vent. Or that old stuff was not getting stirred up. Oh well. HD and I exchanged emails and I told him that I felt insecure about this. He reassured me, and I do believe him. At least most of me does...

[Pebbles]

Eeyore,

 

I am sorry for the pain that came up for you last night and this morning. All I can is, I understand.

 

I think that all you are experiencing is a very normal part of the healing process. This trip is a big deal for all of the reasons that you stated. Trips have not been safe for you in the past... this is HD's chance to give you a new memory, but of course it is unsettling as you are going through the process.

 

But most of all, I wanted to write just to let you know that I have been praying for you this week. And I will continue to pray.

 

Thanks for sharing ALL of your story. The triumphs, the bumps, the pain, the joy. I have learned so much from your vulnerability. Watching you and HD walk through this is really inspiring.

 

Lots of love,

Pebbles

[Eeyore]

Thanks. I appreciate the support and it helps to know that we are helping others.

 

Another bad moment tonight... this morning I called HD on his cell phone. Again, he ALWAYS has it on (for work), but has started turning it to "phone only" (it is a Blackberry, and he gets notifications of every work email that he gets sent or copied on, so he will get 20 or more in the hour that he is home for lunch!). So, at night (unless he is on call) or during family time, or during lunch, he will switch it to "phone only" which means that it only makes a sound if someone calls him.

 

I called him this morning after my bad dream. He has decided to ignore his phone while getting ready for work, so he did not have it near him. Well, that is fine when he is HOME with ME, but when he is 3000 miles away, I AM the one that he is ignoring!

 

I told him about the dream, about my insecurity, and about the phone issue. I told him that it scares me when I can't reach him. I realize that there are times when he is in a meeting or whatever, but when I KNOW that he is getting ready for work, and he not only does not answer, but he does not return my message at all, then it scares me.

 

We discussed this, and he apologized. He said that he would not ignore his phone when we are apart. (Or, he can SEE who is calling and answer if it is ME!)

 

Well, tonight he called while we were at my daughter's homeschool talent show. He left a message, and I called him back as soon as we were done. I left him a message (I knew that he was out to dinner, because he had just told me that was where they were heading). I waited about 20 minutes or so and called him back. Still no answer.

 

Well, he was out to dinner, and saw my call. But the food had just showed up and the restaurant was loud, so he ignored my call. He was going to call me back after he ate, but then I called again before he did.

 

I know that in the "real world" this would not be a big deal, but I had just told him TWELVE HOURS AGO that I was feeling insecure AND that it bothered me when I can't reach him. He told me that he would not do that again... then 12 hours later.... ummm... yeah...

 

So, I am not happy. I know that he has "good intentions" but I am pretty mad and pretty hurt and pretty frustrated. I forgive him, but he has a LOT to prove to me in regards to my ability to rely on him and trust him when he is on trips.

 

Now I have to trust him to keep his word and talk to his parents this weekend.

[Giving Hope]

I am so sorry....I can imagine how this does bring up so many insecurities...

 

I had hoped that he would have stepped up to the plate here after you had expressed your needs so clearly to him....but once again...he let you down....and didn't focus on you, but on his self once again.....

 

Jeff and I went through the same thing before I moved to Kansas to be with him... We were apart for about 6-8 weeks.. Me in Texas getting our house up for sale...and Jeff here in Kansas....He never listened to my insecurities at all...it cost us a lot....

 

I pray that HD will recognize this faster than Jeff did...and hopefully tomorrow (or even tonight) HD will call you up and really apologize for is actions....and will not allow it to happen again.....

 

Heather

[Eeyore]

Thanks, Heather.

 

I remember reading your thread during that time and thinking, "what is Jeff thinking?!"

 

I am sure that it will work out. The awesome thing is that I do NOT feel the despair and loneliness that I have always felt in the past. I have so much more strength and so much more hope!

 

Thanks, everyone!! So many blessings here!!

 

Okay, I am off to bed. Tomorrow is a new day!

[Eeyore]

HD called me this morning and apologized. It felt very much like the "old" apologies. Not from his heart. He also explained why. Not that I don't care, but in the past I always "bought" his excuses and let him continue on the same path. I am not doing that any more.

 

He read my posts but he did not post. I am tired of him only posting in times of crisis. That is an old pattern, too... only asking for help when things get bad. I know that he may not have a lot to say (he is a man, after all! ). But he could have posted an apology and a public admission on my thread, or his own.

 

Oh well! I am heading to Looney's house to help paint her son's room. I need the company and to do something fun today!

[Eeyore]

I meant "he also explained why"... he is acting distant and ignoring me.

[Giving Hope]

Did you tell him "thank you for the apology..but you feel that this was from the head..could you please think about this some more and offer me a heartfelt one tomorrow?"

 

Its OK to say this to him...this way he has to really think about what was happening and dig a little deeper into the issue...and then comes back and offers a "real" apology.. and you will know when its real....

 

Its good that you are not letting him get away with his excuses anymore...this is being a help meet....and showing him the way to your heart as well...So keep up the good work on holding his feet to the fire...

 

HD...if you are reading...Eeyore gave you some things to think about and some things to do...She's asking you to post more often...not just during a crisis...maybe keeping up with your own post on a daily basis..even if its something short...Keeping your own journeying going....

 

Also she is looking for a public apology as well...Think about this..You can do it...

 

Heather

[Eeyore]

UGH.

 

I just had a long chat with HD on instant messenger. He is back to his old self. He is spinning and dodging and weaving. I finally told him that he needs to leave me alone for a while. I said, "this is the OLD steve... badger and get in my face and wont let me get away and be healthy".

 

I told him several times that I wanted to go, but he would keep on "trying" to make things right (excuses and just saying things that make absolutely no sense). Well, I should have just walked away. But I have always felt that didn't solve anything. Well, this doesn't either.

 

I definitely need to walk away when he gets this way. So, I am. Looney, here I come!

[HerDestiny]

The trip is not going well - as you can see in Eeyore's thread. I have done a VERY poor job of staying in touch with Eeyore, and have really hurt her - this is a scary thing for her, and I am not being sensitive to it at all.

 

We talked a couple of times yesterday, and she flat out told me that I needed to be more reachable, as I was making her feel ignored and rejected. That's a MAJOR pattern of the past with us, and I know that. However, I didn't really do anything different to make it any better - in fact, I made it worse by not answering the phone when she called during dinner last night.

 

Then, this morning we tried to chat over IM about things, and I really confused the matter. I am trying to explain things and think things through in front of her, which just doesn't work. She gets VERY hurt when I do that, because I rarely make any sense, I re-state things constantly, and I take her down rabbit-trails and I just don't know when to shut up.

 

So, we are not in a good place today - THIS is why my nickname won't be changing anytime soon. The old patterns are still too close to the surface, and although I have been doing OK, I am not changed (as this all shows).

 

Excuses for my behavior:

- I am exhausted; I am not sleeping well, as I am constantly going, and I am constantly meeting with people. I do not have a chance to "sit and work", which makes me feel like I am not getting done the things that "need to get done", even though I am here to do what needs to be done. So, once I finally stop for the day, I start thinking about all of the things that I could have gotten done if I was able to sit in my office all day, instead of the purpose for my trip.

- I am not taking ANY down time until bed time, which I am sure is contributing to the problems going to sleep, as well as the overall exhaustion.

 

There is no excuse for this - I know better than to be distant from Eeyore when I am traveling; this is a No-Brainer, and I am being a big dummy.

 

I need to go to a meeting...

 

HerDensity

[gms]

HD - schedule in regular contact with Eeyore during the day and night. Put her first in your priority list. You can do that, can't you?

[reforged]

Here is suggestion that would make time for you to call your wife and would honor her, probably help you sleep better, too! I had a business trip recently to Alaska - 4 hour time difference, new project, busy week, team dinners every night, very little free time, calls home were short, late, and hurried. It should work for any east to west coast trip (but not vice versa).

 

Set your alarm for 5 a.m. or so (your time) - you know your wife's morning routine and schedule - call her, talk all she wants, then go back to bed if you want. Chances are, due to the time zones, you are not sleeping much at 5 am anyway! I wish I had thought of this on my trip, it was my wife's suggestion after I got back, and I will certainly do so next time.

 

This honors her because it is making her a priority, making your schedule fit hers and not vice versa, and not just squeezing a short call into your busy schedule.