I Thought I Had it!

[Wretched Man]

[gms]

WM - congratulations for coming on and confessing your part in tearing down your wife and marriage. One day soon you will be "Redeemed Man" with a redeemed wife and marriage - in Jesus' name. Please ask questions and let us help you work through this process in God's way and we all long to see your wife healed, healthy and whole through the process of laying down your life as you love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. I pray that she will go with you to the intensive soon. It is not too late to love (agape) her, with God all things are possible.

[Wretched Man]

GMS-Thank You for your encouragement. I do believe and look forward to the day when she says we have an OHM. I wish I would have plugged in to the forums and calls sooner. Please pray that I will continue to consistantly show my wife through my ACTIONS and appropriate responses that her hearts healing is my only mission.

Thanks again WM

[gms]

wm - as you start to love you wife, be prepared for her to be skeptical - keep going. As she starts to see that you are consistent she will begin to feel more safe about you and often this is when she will start to vent. Venting is her getting the poison out that you put into her through your abuse. When she vents it is critical that you take her pain on to you, take responsibility for how you have hurt her, apologize for causing her the pain and tell her that she is right to be hurt/angry/etc. If you do this lovingly and patiently it will bring major healing to her heart and help you to grow as a man. She will probably need to vent her pain over a period of time, this is not a "vent once and done" kind of thing, that is what I mean by being patient.

 

Let us know how things are going...

[largeone50]

Hi there Wretched Man. Large One here. I am proud of you for being able to admit your weaknesses. That is the first step. You can't fix a problem if you don't think anything is wrong. Now that you realize what needs to be done I believe that you can do it.

 

However, you have to make your wife's needs first and foremost in your mind. Most women don't want a divorce or seperation, but they are so hurt and wounded that they need to get out to keep their own sanity. Your wife is looking to see how you will respond. She wants to know that she is the most important thing to you. She wants to know that you will be the man to make her feel safe and cherished. She does not want to fight with you or defend herself against you. Everytime you prove that you are right or things have to be done your way you are telling your wife that she is no good, her feelings don't matter, she is not living up to your expectations and she feels she will never be good enough for you to make you happy. She feels like a failure when you don't listen to her and value her opinions and ideas.

 

We spoke about this on the calls before and I just want to encourage you that if you work the program that you have a very good chance of winning your wife's heart back. The night both of you were on the call together she stayed on the call the entire night. I belive she wants your marriage to work. However, you have to be the one to make that happen.

 

Now that you realize your past mistakes it is now time to bring healing to your wife's heart. You are the initiator. You are the source of life and energy. You are the spiritual leader. You need to love your wife unconditionally. Love your wife like Christ loved the church. Validate her feelings constantly!!! If she is hurt by things you have done, acknowledge them and tell her how sorry you are for hurting her.

 

The hard part is to do these things when conflict comes up. It is most important to do these things when your flesh is telling you not to. Don't act like a 2 year old child who doesn't get his way. Instead, honor your wife's feelings and requests and bring healing to her heart. Just think in all of your years of marriage, your wife has done hundreds of things for you that she didn't want to for you or because you made her. Now even if you feel you are right, so what, that is how you show your wife that you value her. Let her win, let her be right let her choose how things should be done. Listen not only to the words, but more importantly to the heart behind the words. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE'S HEART. Take repsonsiblity for wounding your wife in your marriage. She has only been responding to the negative ways that you have been treating her. She is not the reason for your marriage marraige problems. Let her know that you were the one feeding her death in the marriage. She was only responding to how you were treating her.

 

The more you bring healing to her, the happier you will feel inside about yourself because you are acting in a Christ-like manner and bringing healing to her heart. Your wife needs you to step up and be the man that God has called you to be. I know you can do this. Show her by your actions every time you talk to her. She will know if you are speaking from your heart and are truly sincere. You have to do this because you want to bring healing to her heart and NOT because you want her to respond back to you for your own personal gain. That is the difference between doing it from your head or doing it from your heart. You can not do this program so she can see you are changing. Your wife will see and know that you are a changed person when you become a Christ-like man in your words, thoughts, and actions constantly and consistently over an extended amount of time. That is the difference between doing it from your head or doing it from your heart. It will become a part of you. Allow your wife to respond when she feels comfortable on her time frame, not yours. It will become like a snowball going down hill getting bigger and stronger. The more you bring healing to her heart the better you will feel. The more more healing you bring to her the more you will want to do it and the need to be right all the time will be replaced with wanting to listen to your wife's heart and bringing healing to her. There is nothing better than having your wife tell you how proud she is of you for becomming Christ-like and becomming the man of her dreams.

 

I know this is a lot to take in all at once, but read this over and over everyday so that it is on your mind constantly. I really encourage you to be on all the calls with or without your wife even if she doesn't want to be. They are Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights. They are such a great way to learn and keep what is truly important in the right perspective. If I can help you at any time please contact me. You can private message me if you want my phone number. I will be more than happy to talk to you. I have confidence in you and belive you can do this program. Good luck and God bless you.

 

Sincerely,

 

John

[For Him For Her]

Wow! Great post Largeone.

 

Wretched Man,

LO has given you the tools you need to start healing your wife's heart.Your wife has the map.It will be in her respones to your initiations. The tools,along with the map,will lead straight to your treasure;your wife's heart.Good Luck and enjoy the exploration.

 

God Bless

David

[Wretched Man]

Wow

 

You guys (thats ya'll) to you rebels, have not only encouraged me but have made me feel true Christian love! Your willing to invest your time and prayers into our marriage!Thank you so much. John I would definatly benefit from futher discussions with you, I'll pm you. I will be appling these principles daily. I have an advantage now seeing that IT TRUELY IS COMING FROM MY HEART not my head.And am encourage you would say that cause it tells me you must recall when you realized it was truely coming from your heart and your a sucess strory! Thank so Much

WM

[nemo]

WM,

 

I have an advantage now seeing that IT TRUELY IS COMING FROM MY HEART not my head

 

Be careful about trusting your own feelings on this matter. As LO pointed out, she is the one to determine this for you. She will show you when you are being successful at it by responding positively.

 

LO also points out that the most important time for you to do this is the time when it is the hardest to do... when she is venting. This is crucial. But if you fail, even for a moment all is not lost. If she is still in front of you, you can still recover. Get out of your self-absorption and get back to listening.

 

May God be with you in the work you have to do.

[Wretched Man]

Thanks Nemo

I will keep in mind that my wife is the only gauge of my true progress.I have seen the amazing results of LISTENING TO and allowing my wife to vent without responding and owning up to and being accountable for ALL the pain I have caused her.

On a JOYFUL note my precious wife has ageed to attend the Feb 5th intensive! Praise the Lord, we booked our flights together last night!

see you ,well hear you on the calls.

Thank you for all your Godly advise guys!

WM

[dory]

On a JOYFUL note my precious wife has ageed to attend the Feb 5th intensive! Praise the Lord, we booked our flights together last night!

 

Woohhoo! PTL!

[gms]

WM - Praise the LORD on going to the intensive!!!!!!!!

[largeone50]

Hey there WM. How are things going? How did you like the intensive? What was the most important thing you learned?

[Wretched Man]

[gms]

WM- thanks for checking in and it really sounds like you are digging in. Like you said you need to look to your wife to see how you are doing. If you run into challenges come back and post questions.

 

On the men's calls you definitely will be blessed, what is talked about is whatever the callers are facing that day and any topics that Joel wants to talk about. You will hear your story in the lives of other men. Jump in!

[Celia]

I don't know if you saw this video from Paul hegstrom

 

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7647998225684812829&q=hegstrom&pr=goog-sl

[ledbyfire]

WM - good to see you post on the message board. Since we went to the February 09 Intensive together, please feel free to email, call or write me anytime to talk and pray about what God is doing and learning. I was just on the phone with another man from the message board and we talked for two hours and it was really helpful and encouraging to know you are not alone and growing in Christ on a similar journey of learing our wives.

 

You will be blessed on the men's calls, they were VERY helpful for me. You will learn alot and have a chance to talk to Joel three times a week as well and learn from the other men as well. I plan on getting back on them when finances pick up again soon.

[ledbyfire]

WM - how are things going for you and your princes? praying for you both.

 

Doug (Led By Fire)

[Giving Hope]

[Wretched Man]

Thanks for the advise I have apologized and am strickly watching the guidelines . is this Hard yes! impossible NO! Will I give up NEVER!

wm

[Purple]

this painful process you wives so enjoy seeing us men go through. haha

 

WM- I do not know much of your story. And I am not going to take exception with any of it. All of us wives have issues as well. Point number 1 that we have stayed and endured maltreatment as long as we have. Even after that...we all as sinners fall short of Christ's glory...husbands, wives, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, etc. This ministry and the faithful wives coming here do know that wives have issues as well. That is reason why this ministry continually says for us not to become bitter.

 

I did want to point out here...that it is wrong on your part to think that wives enjoy seeing their husbands in pain. I don't know one wife that has suffered in a marriage that enjoys watching her husband...because it is still affecting us! If you wife has emotionally divorced you, do you even begin to realize what pain she has endured to get her to that place to begin with? It did not happen overnight!

 

I sincerely pray that you and your wife will continue to find healing. I pray that if you are indeed making sincere changes that she will begin to open up to you. I would like to caution to ask yourself....are you truly dying to self...and trying to heal her wounds? How long has she suffered in your marriage...and how long have you been trying to change?

 

Now, I do believe that we wives have to start responding if we want restoration. I am not taking off that responsibility from her. Just ask yourself if you are honestly giving your wife the space, the love, the hearing ear, and healing words that her heart is needing for restoration to take place. And if she's not doing her part....are you willing to stand for your marriage...continue to become Christlike without any reward from your wife...and continue to do what's right for as long as it takes?

 

Perhaps you were venting in your post. It might serve you well to state that. This forum should definitely be a place where men can vent. And again, we wives have responsibilities too. But I believe your attempt at sarcasm above denotes a selfish tone in it that points to a need for continued healing on your part.

 

I will say a prayer for you and your wife today. I believe that the prayers of the saints on these boards have helped me and my marriage tremendously. We are not to an OHM yet...but seeds are being planted every day.

[Pure in Heart]

Wretchedman,

 

I agree with Purple wholeheartedly. Though J&K have obviously addressed concerns about your wife...I still do not think this post is for public consumption. Your need to be validated is only further evidence that you need to be propped up emotionally. You are called to continue...in spite of your wife's struggle...to love her unconditionally. To stay in the crucible no matter what your wife does or doesn't do. Are you game?

 

That being said....yes, a wife is to respond warmly to her husband's efforts. It is the way she matures in Christ. It is not all about the men maturing here. As Christians...all of us take up our Cross and carry it. For a wife this means to trust God in this process...that despite her real and deep pain... she must choose against self-protection. As wives we are... "once burned, twice shy"......our rejection is so profound I scarce believe any man could endure such pain and still want to obey God and be vulnerable. That is why J&K say that this process is harder for the woman than the men!!! It is our hearts we risk...to be ignored, hurt, rejected...made to feel less than for the millionth time. The over arching principle here is that your wife's heart KNOWS you are committed and you will not leave her or forsake her...just as Christ promises you. Be like Christ in this regard. Your attitude toward her struggle will make all the difference.

 

Do not seek for someone to "feel sorry" or "pity" you that you have an unresponsive wife...that is

still on you to convince her that no matter what issues she needs to look at ....it is a gift from God to you that God has given you the honor of washing her and healing those places in her marred and scarred...most of which I would venture to say, YOU put there.

 

I pray you have the substance and character to stay with her as she is encouraged to trust again.

 

I know of her fears as my husband abandoned me and my children for 6 years. I had prayed from the beginning of my long trial that I would never become bitter. I had no idea that after almost 6 years of separation and 7 months of filing for divorce and throwing my marriage and my very life at the mercies of God....that my husband would actually "get it"...... Wonder of wonders!!!!....he did. Not only did he get it... but he ran with it....he threw himself into the truth of God's Word and loved me with a love I never dreamed possible...so much so... I stood in utter amazement at his humility....to this very day my husband has stunned me.

 

I personally knew that God had given us this chance...to bring honor and glory to His Name. I poured on the warmth and it did strengthen his resolve to embrace the Cross with joy.

 

Your wife will get to this place with encouragement...when she knows she is safe and loved with no fear of any put down or reprisal or you acting like a wounded puppy.... or acting like she owes you something...she will open up.

 

Kimberly

[Wretched Man]

Thank you purple, I really was just joking I know most women on these forums have suffered tremendously at the hands of selfish childish men for decades. Its kind of a personality trait of mine to throw humor in to soften the pain.

We have only been married since Jan 07 and began this program Apr 07. I am sorry for your pain and truly appreciate your prayers. I too will pray for yours and your husbands situation. Again I'm sorry that my sarcasm hurt you due to your pain.

 

wm

[Wretched Man]

Thank you pure in heart also, sorry if it look like I was fishing for self pity. As you can see I have not posted much due to some of the sensitive nature of our situation and some of her issues and was trying not to harm my wives heart. edit

[JJ]

wm,

 

Your post above to purple shows the attitude of a husband who is learning and growing.

The post you made that was deleted from your wife's thread shows the attitude of an immature child. Your wife will struggle to feel safe with you when you have emotional outbursts such as that.

 

I am not trying to scold you but let you know that your choice of words and sarcasm affect your family and others in ways you may not be aware of.

 

Pure in Heart has a good point.

You are called to continue...in spite of your wife's struggle...to love her unconditionally. To stay in the crucible no matter what your wife does or doesn't do. Are you game?

 

This doesn't mean that wives should not respond positively, but that you need to avoid pointing a finger at her when you think it is her turn. Just keep seeking God and His direction for you.

[Purple]

WM-please know you didn't hurt me. And I hope you took my post with the heart of a fellow Christian learning along this journey...not a scorned wife or someone to scrutizine you.

 

I have learned so much from reading here...asking question, and posting replies and responses to people. Just responding in Christian love, concern, and fellowship has tempered my tongue with my marriage and even my Christian walk. It does require all of us.

 

The written word leaves much to interpretation. And I knew when you posted haha...that you were using sarcasm. I too have much of my feelings come out in sarcasm.

 

I just wanted to point that out to you. I have immense respect for every man that comes to this forum to post. Literally. It is dying to self to post her and receive feedback...but it is so good. Sometimes it takes people helping us to see, what we say, our feelings, our perceptions, etc in a new light without our blinders on. We are all hurting and healing here. No one situation is above the other. People that are on the OHM thread have walked thru the fire...and continue to walk thru the fire. But they're making it.

 

Again, I have immense respect for you coming here to receive feedback. If you and your wife are in contact with J & K, then I believe they will continue to point you in the right direction. If your wife isn't responding yet, keep doing what you are supposed to be doing. consistency is the #1 thing we wives need to see that you are truly changing...even without a reward from us. (I'm not saying she shouldn't start responding...just weighing in that all of us have to do what we are called to do by Christ regardless of others' actions.)

 

I could keep talking in circles. But I'm glad we had this exchange!