Working to heal and win my wife's heart

[Aslan's Child]

AW! POOH! COME ON!!!!!!!! I was going to pop on and ask you about your 100 things I'm sorry for list, and here Tigger cries out to you that it doesn't exist!!!! Even if you only do 10 a week, and repeat yourself, at least she'll know you're working on it. Here's a start:

 

I'm sorry I only give you crumbs.

 

I'm sorry I don't express my heart to you.

 

I'm sorry I still yell at the kids (and I will find a way to learn to stop).

 

I'm sorry I haven't been hugging you more.

 

I'm sorry I haven't been posting more.

 

There's five to get you started! All the medical struggles aside, Tigger is desperate for you to love her. Hug her, kiss her, ogle her, praise her, bring the children up to see her, suggest the children make a get well card. Anything!

 

POOH!!!!!! I'm getting frustrated!!!!! What Tigger needs has been spelled out to you over and over and over. You write beautiful words in your posts and emails, but that's just loose stuffing. You can't hug a mess of cotton! You've got to pull yourself together, get your arms and legs working, and wrap them around Tigger so often she's begging for mercy! Kiss her 20 times real fast. Massage her shoulders. Lay in bed with her while you look into her eyes and caress her. Pick anything on any list she's put here for you and DO - IT! It doesn't matter which one as long as you DO - IT!

 

If you're struggling let us know! Even if you just write, "There's so much to do I don't know how to add Tigger's needs to the list", that helps us know how to help you! What's going on in your head? Are you afraid to do what Tigger's asking? Are you overwhelmed? Are you lonely? Are you feeling we're beating you up too much? We can't help you if you don't let us in.

[Aslan's Child]

The truth shall set you free. John 8:32

 

Pooh, Tigger's head is full of lies: I'm not loveable. I'm a burden. Pooh doesn't really love me. I'm no good to anybody. I deserve to suffer because I'm such a bad person.

 

Pooh, you hold the truth that can set her free: She is very loveable. She's a blessing. I do love my wife. She is worth more than gold to me.

 

But she can't be set free until you use your keys on the locks.

 

Here's your Baby Step for today:

 

1) Get 10 little sheets of paper. On five of them write "Blessing", on the other five write "Ask". Then put them whereever you will see them.

 

Whenever you see a Blessing note, tell Tigger one way in which she is a blessing to you. Whenver you see an Ask note, ask Tigger how she's feeling. Go upstairs and make eye contact with her. If it's takes 30 seconds to run upstairs to her, and 30 seconds to get down, you can spend two minutes with her. That's a total of three minutes. Even if you only make it three times, you've just blessed your wife with nine precious minutes. If you can't leave the children, send a quick love note with an older child with a blessing on it for Tigger. It can be an "I love you" or a heart or a smiley face. Make a goal to make it upstairs three times every day. It'll be good exercise to boot!

 

2) If you yell while you are in your home, you initiate sleeping on the couch. Take responsibility for your actions. Own up to it, apologize, and let Tigger know you are stepping out in faith that by sleeping on the couch, God will use that to help you learn to stop yelling.

 

3) Make it a goal to get that 100 Things I'm Sorry for List done by next Thursday's call.

 

You can do this, Pooh! You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. He loved you enough to die for you, He will help you become the man God created you to be. Go bless your wife!

[Aslan's Child]

Sorry I didn't make it on here yesterday to remind you of your baby steps.

 

By today, you should have 30 notes all over the house! You can even put some upstairs where Tigger can see them. Are you doing the things the notes remind you to do?

 

Have you told Tigger how she's a blessing to you?

 

Have you asked her how she's feeling?

 

Is your 100 Things List almost done?

 

Have you initiated sleeping on the couch if you yell?

 

When you spoke of sleeping on the couch, I thought I dedected a tone of pain in your voice at the thought of sleeping away from your wife. Use that to feel Tigger's pain when she hears you yell. I am praying for you both and believing in you, Pooh!

[Tigger]

AC,

 

You are precious but what is the use. He does not read on here and even when he finally gets around to it, nothing changes.

 

He showed his real colors today. I threw and screamed- not good for my throat injury. He knows I am hurting but he has no clue what he has done. I was so upset today that I threw my walker, several things across the room, and cried for several hours. I do not want to see him, not at all. I don't want 20 hugs or 20 kisses; I never get the 20 smiles anyway. I don't want to be near him. I nearly gathered his pillow, alarm clock and CPAP and dragged them to the bedroom door, on the outside.

 

I have no choices, as I am not well. I dread going to bed. Between the crying and the "screaming" I have no voice and I am in such pain that I could not even contemplate getting on the call. I eventually just sat and watched videos while they were gone.

 

My daughter was sad that I did not go with them today. She thought that it was her fault. This was before the huge blow up and POOH showing his TRUE colors, completely. She wanted Mommy to go with them to this birthday party at the local pool. It is all flat and I could have gone in my wheelchair, but you see... I am too much of a burden to my husband. He did not think I should go, so I just agreed and died one more death inside.

 

Then came all the complaints about everything else. It seems that anything I want is just not "his" priority. I basically stay in one room all the time. I wanted it cleaned up and I need help right now even with that. He did not think that should be a priority. I don't deserve to have a clean room it seems.

 

It is 9:42 and N O W he wants to talk??!! The final nail in the coffin of my dream was blown in at sometime after 1. I am still hurting and angry. I know to be a GODly girl I should go talk; with what I am not sure, my voice is more then shot. I am sooooooo important that I should be thought of 8 hours later, gee thanks. He did not even try to come up for a private conversation when they all got home; I am just not worth it---> obviously!!

 

In answer, real quick, to your questions AC. Of course he has not done anything you guys told him to do. Even with my gentle reminder yesterday he said he did not need to put up notes as long as he "remembers" to do what those notes tell him. Yesterday I was down on the 2nd floor and could see there were no notes.

 

One last thing, I had to force him to apologize to our daughter last night after hurting her. He just does not seem to care who he hurts in his path. That path is the "MY Way" path; to hell with anyone else. This hurts so much. Well he is back, so I should close. I do not want to cry any more, it just tears my throat up something terrible. Thank you Lil' Sis for your concern, but no go with this brother-in-law.

 

BLessings,

 

A broken hearted Tigger

[Looney_Tunes]

Pooh, I don't know if you're ever going to read this, but I am so p.o'd at you I want to SCREAM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!!!!!

 

Do me a favor. Better yet, do Tigger a favor. Find someone you can hire full time to help her, and get out of her life. If you don't want to love her, the least you could do is stop piling on the abuse.

 

Go live with 1SM. You two deserve each other.

[Aslan's Child]

POOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Pooh, oh my gosh! I just don't even know what to say. I can feel Tigger's pain on the other side of the country, why can't you feel her pain when she is right in front of you!? If you felt Tigger's pain, you would bend over backwards and tie yourself up in knots to stop hurting her! If I had some way, I'd kidnap your beautiful bride and children and bring them here. If you don't want her blessings, I sure do! Am I being too harsh, here, or not harsh enough??

[pooh]

My dearest Tigger,

 

Had a few minutes so I checked in. Just letting you know I was here. hope you have a good day.

 

I do understand that I am not in good standings.

 

I do have a questions on the 100 things. I do want it to be aceptable. Do I just list a hundered things or do I LOV it (So to speak, I guess it would be remeber, own it, validate or ROV). If you need an example let me know.

 

Hope to have more time later to post more.

 

Pooh

[Aslan's Child]

[C2]

It is all flat and I could have gone in my wheelchair, but you see... I am too much of a burden to my husband. He did not think I should go, so I just agreed and died one more death inside.

 

Pooh, This broke my heart. HOW COULD YOU NOT HEAR THIS? You skipped right over Tigger's feelings as if they did not exist.

 

Tigger, I cannot believe Pooh left you at home!!!!!! Pooh, how could you do this?

 

Pooh, I am going to quote from someone else's thread. I don't remember who it was. I printed it out a long time ago and it is posted on our refrigerator.

 

I brought up on the phone how he hurt me in July...he blew it - he was not mean...just kept rambling on about floor tile...he didn't take the time to hear my heart or validate my feelings. AHHHH!!! So I got off the phone and sent hi an e-mailtelling him that he had an opportunity to hear me and bring some healing and he completely blew his chance. I questioned his commitment to bringing healing to our relationship...

 

He replied immediately

 

"You are right, sorry I let that opportunity slip by. All I was thinking was helping you get your tiles done for a good price and should have set that aside and listened to what you had to say. Will you forgive me?"

 

Yes I will forgive you, but what is really important is for you to ALWAYS keep in mind that you were always great helping out...where you hurt me was by not being there for me emotionally and NOT listening to my HEART. My heart is number ONE, anything else going on has to be second to that...that is what I need to trust you...if I speak from my heart the only reason you might have for bot listening is that the house has burst into flames and you have moved onto saving my life! Got it!

 

In our house when DW does this we refer to it as the floor tiles. POOH, YOUR WIFE IS HURTING AND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THE FLOOR TILES.

 

Pooh, you need to talk out loud to Tigger about how she must have felt. Give it several paragraphs. Reflect back to her about what you think she is saying about her hurt. Describe how horrible it must have been to be left at home while the rest of the family leaves the house to go on an outing and IT WAS ALL FLAT and SHE COULD HAVE GONE IN A WHEELCHAIR! Oh my gosh, how many opportunities does Tigger get??? SHE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!!! I can barely keep from crying to type this out. POOH!!!!

 

Pooh, you need to say more than I'm sorry. Talk and talk and talk to her about how she must have felt. Ask her to shake her head yes or no if you are reflecting her feelings accurately. If she says no, try again. Not just words. Feel it. Imagine if you were a kid looking forward to Christmas and it did not come. Everyone else got a Christmas but you didn't. That is the kind of pain Tigger is feeling right now only worse. She was left all alone with her pain for 8 hours and even when you first got back, you did not check on her!!!!

 

Talk! As you talk, think about what she must have felt, not your own pain! Imagine her pain until you hurt and then talk about her hurt. Talk. Talk! Talk! Give her a pencil so she can respond. Let her vent!!! Then own it! Figure out a way to make it up to her. Get her outside. Being cooped up inside can drive an outdoor person insane! Listen to what she wants.

 

Be her husband! Be her hero! Let your kids see you treating your wife like a Princess! Pooh, you can do this! It will bless your family and yourself more than you can imagine if you will just do it. Remember, her heart is number one and anything else has got to be second to that!

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

I started a post yesterday, but lost it today because of the computer crashing. I am not even sure I will get this one through. The computer is up but running at slower then snail pace.

 

My Lil' Sis nailed it, perfect is not necessary. You gave me your apology letter several months ago, you need not rehash that. This is a list of, at least, 100 things you have done that have hurt me. My example:

-I am sorry that I have not gotten you a new marriage ring, since I destroyed our marriage;

-I am sorry I destroyed our marriage;

-I am sorry that because I destroyed our marriage that you felt the need to no longer where your rings;

-I am sorry that I have neglected to realize how much having no marriage ring makes you feel;

-I am sorry that I have never realized that you have ALWAYS been a jewelry kind of person;

-I am sorry that you being such a jewelry type of person that being without for nearly a year has just made you feel unloved and empty in side;

-I am sorry I have made you feel unworthy of having a marriage ring;

 

 

 

I just took just a few moments and though I only addressed one issue, and you have many to chose from, I came up with 7"I am sorry" sentences; without even trying. There are so many things you could choose from, why does this seem to be so hard. You have had more then 3 months since you were specifically asked to do this, by people on the call; no counting me, who has longed for this for much longer.

 

This is your excuse. You don't know how to "do it", yet you do not ask for help on the calls or on the forum. You don't go look at other people's lists and you never call J&K for help. You don't seek GOD. Pure in Heart sent you an awesome post, which I asked you to print and bring home; all you did is e mail it to me, I could look at it on the forum if that is what I wanted. You knew I wanted it printed and you just would not do that for me. You did not want it printed because then maybe you would have to see it, learn it, process it, and live it; it is just too scary.

 

Funny, I never thought of you being afraid, but that is what I am now sensing in my spirit. How come others here, who are basically strangers- {no offense, as we have never met we could fall over you in the street and not know it} can seem to know me and how I feel and you miss the boat. I think we are even in different oceans. We have been married for 15+ years and have know each other for more then 27 years, yet you soooo don't know me.

 

I feel sad and hurt. I did not mean to go on like this. It is just feelings that come pouring out of me. Why does the love feel so shallow?? How come we used to talk but don't anymore; not counting that I don't have a voice. You say it is because we are together all the time, but that is just not true. We are not together, we have a few moments before we go to sleep, that is it, otherwise we have children around us.

 

Well before I work myself into a tizzy, I will close.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

I am having the same "cookies" problem again, like before when you had to adjust things. I can't get to alot of the posts. So I have been reading where I can and I happened along this quote by Pure in Heart (PIH), I thought it to be profound and wanted to share it with you. I hope this goes through.

PIH wrote:

As I said..children are responders much like the wife. They will act of whatever Dad is feeding them. He is the SOURCE...whatever comes from the SOURCE good or bad effects their hearts and emotions.

Maybe this is something that you could write down for yourself. You should read this, AT LEAST, once a day!! Please take this to heart. Will look forward to hearing your take on this tonight.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[pooh]

My Love Tigger,

 

you are as wise as usual. I do see that they often feed back what they are given. Thank you for pointing this out. I will be mindful of what I feed them and you my dearest. I Love You. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

 

Pooh

[Pure in Heart]

My Love Tigger,

 

you are as wise as usual. I do see that they often feed back what they are given. Thank you for pointing this out. I will be mindful of what I feed them and you my dearest. I Love You. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

 

Pooh

 

All of these posts...risking her heart to reveal the places inside her she can not stop weeping because of the sorrows YOU have heaped upon her...no rescue..no relief...only more fears added to her already devastated heart..

 

 

And this is all you say to her??

 

She opens the floodgates of her heart and she screams inside because she has no voice for you to hear her...and she KNOWS you are not listening anyways.

 

And this is all you post??

 

God help you pooh. God help you.

 

I have heard many stories of selfishness...just when you think you can not hear one more of how a man's cruelty and selfishness takes the cake...then pooh comes along and has taken the prize.

 

Imagine if God treated you like YOU treat your wife???

 

I am so sad for our Tigger..

 

Kimberly

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

You acknowledge that I wrote but did you do what I asked?? I need for you to write down that what you do and say or what you don't do or say will make your children or break your children. They learn from you whether you like it or not. They learn by what they see and hear, and that is what they become.

 

There is an old Christian tune that says, "They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love, they will know we are Christians by our love". Conversely, the truth is they will know we are not Christians by are unlovingness. Our little KIT is so much an example of how the ugliness has changed her. She was such a sweet loving little girl. She is now a hurt and bitter young lady because of what her oldest brother has done and been to her. She is reacting and feeding death back to him when he feeds her death.

 

He is learning to be an abusive husband and she is learning to be devalued. How do you think they learn these things?? I did the submissive wife, make you a King soooooo well, now our oldest totally believes this and is living it for himself. He has taken from the Bible (OT) the first born privileged status and along with how he sees you treat me, he has become who he is now. We have less the 5 short years to see this turned around, for him and only 8 for her.

 

I did not start this post for all of this to come out, but out it came anyway. Please hear my heart, I need you to meet my heart and needs on this one. What ever you think to do, stop, pray and see what GOD would have you do; then also pause to think how I would handle it or would want you to handle it, in oneness with me.

 

Tigger

[Pure in Heart]

Tigger,

 

Posted at the same time...

[Tigger]

PIH,

 

We were posting at the same time. So my post was to follow what little POOH wrote.

 

I stopped defending him a while ago. That being said... I am going to give some facts for right now. I posted then I sent him and e mail asking him to please read. I was not sure he would get either as his work computer does not notify him when he has a new e mail but I tried. I also know that I was cutting it close to his time to leave for the day. I was just hoping to catch him.

 

He did get this as he was ready to leave for the week and head home. He did take the time to post something, which is what he has been encouraged to do. He was told to even just say that he had been here reading, just something so I know that he had been to forumland. He did acknowledge that he received the post, which for him is a good thing.

 

He is not fixing my heart with with his less then brief posts, but at least he is not killing me more. I can give a bit of a pass on this one, only because of the time thing. His other posts, which are equally short he will need to work on, like NOW. I am grateful for the crumbs I get, but it will not bring about a good life.

 

Since we are one flesh, per the word of GOD, then if my life is not good then neither is his. He will hopefully want life and life more abundantly, for both of us. Well my 2 year old is begging to see the picture of the Davisson's so I need to finish so I can scroll up to the family shoot.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Pure in Heart]

Tigger,

 

 

You are worth so much more than crumbs....so much more.

 

I understand that he is trying...but I say, bah humbug!!

 

He has this is him...he does...God believes him...you believe in him...he has all he needs.

 

My heart is broken for you. Just broken. You are an incredible woman. The bravest and sweetest...your strength is astounding. I cold not hold a candle to your faith precious Tigger. You are my inspiration. You move me to believe that nothing can separate us from the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. You are beautiful.

 

Kimberly

[For Him For Her]

Pooh,

 

I am going to repost this until you respond or your incredibly courageous wife says you have followed through. This WILL be one of the simplest things you can do to bring HUGE results for your marriage.

 

Pooh,

 

I have an idea. It may sound crazy but I think it will help you and your incredibly courageous wife. Each day while at lunch write down something that is living inside you that you may be afraid to share face to face or say out loud. It could be a childhood memory, a past hurt, something she may have done that really melted your heart. The possibilities are endless.

 

Write a few words or a lot and then ask if she would be willing to share her thoughts, in writing back to you. If she is wonderful but if not that is ok too. She wants to know what lives inside you. She wants to know what makes you tick. She wants to understand you so she can respond in a loving way. She longs to finally meet and love the man who lives inside who is too afraid to come out. She wants to love you for who you really are inside.

 

Read my story. See how hard this is when only one is willing. You have God's daughter longing to love you. You have the gift already there. I think the one thing you are missing is, if you will open your heart and finally allow yourself to be vulnerable, the love YOU have always longed for is within arms reach. All you have to do is open your heart just enough. God will do the rest. You can do this. You want this. You need this.

 

Stop being afraid Pooh. Stop being afraid.

 

God Bless

David

[Aslan's Child]

Pooh,

 

Print this out so you can have help remembering. Here's your homework for the week:

 

Talk about how you can work together to handle situations like the past Sunday so that you both can have a good time. I'm a lousy planner, but when I am able to plan ahead, things go so much smoother.

 

Keep up the good work with the children. Remember, your job is not to control them, but to give consequences when they misbehave. They're children, it's their job to misbehave!

 

Ask Tigger frequently throughout the day how her heart is feeling.

 

As many times as you possibly can, tell Tigger the ways that she is a blessing to you. She is starving for the truth only you can give.

 

With the exception of Sunday, you did a great job last week. Now, let's make it two weeks! You can do this. We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.

 

I added this quote in case it slipped by you:

 

As I said..children are responders much like the wife. They will act of whatever Dad is feeding them. He is the SOURCE...whatever comes from the SOURCE good or bad effects their hearts and emotions.

[pooh]

Tigger

 

Just letting you know I was here. I read a while and sent this note. The day was very busy do not know where it went. Hope the day was not to tiring. I am going to call about the dishwasher. I got #2 an apointment on Wednesday at 8:45. Talk to soon. I Love you! Pooh

[C2]

Pooh, I would like to comment on two things Aslan's Child wrote:

 

Ask Tigger frequently throughout the day how her heart is feeling.

As many times as you possibly can, tell Tigger the ways that she is a blessing to you.

 

Pooh, this would be a great thing to do in your posts here. It would only take two sentences. Be specific.

 

 

Keep up the good work with the children. Remember, your job is not to control them, but to give consequences when they misbehave. They're children, it's their job to misbehave!

 

Pooh, how is the screaming thing coming? When my son was young I heard a great analogy that stuck in my brain. I almost never yelled at my son or my school students thanks to that analogy. (I sometimes yell at my husband so I need to work on that one but...) That story is as follows:

 

When a policeman stops you does he get out of his car yelling and screaming? No, if he did we would probably think he looked ridiculous and have very little respect for him. He gets out of his car very calmly, addresses you as sir, and all the while your heart is beating fast and your mouth gone dry. He very calmly gets out his ticket book and begins to write while you look on in silence. If he were to scream and yell, how foolish would that look? That is how we look to our kids when we yell and scream.

 

Pooh, think of your children this way. Let the consequences do the work. You and Tigger come up with a list of consequences ahead of time. Keep them simple and enforceable.

 

For my son I had a quarter jar. It started off every week with $10.00 worth of quarters. Every time he didn't do something and had to be reminded (like get up from the table without clearing his dishes) he had to take a quarter out of the jar and put it in another jar. At the end of the week, anything left in the quarter jar was his to keep. (Actually he counted what was left and I gave him dollar bills so that I did not have to recount the $10 worth of quarters each week.) The little ding in the jar made an impression on his brain. It was a little simple thing and did not require much out of me but it let him see the choice was his. He could either learn to remember and do those things and reap the reward at the end of the week or he could be lazy and lose it. Often he chose to be lazy and lose it but he learned it was his choice and life had both rewards and consequences. Those little quarters quickly added up into lost dollars.

 

I was amazed at how many quarters he lost every week but I will say he has grown up to be a super responsible kid with a great job where trust and responsibility are huge.

 

When I taught school I had a simple 3-5 line paragraph for everything, talking, chewing gum, you name it. I had all the issues on one page. I kept multiple copies and whenever I had an issue I didn't even have to stop teaching. I simply grabbed a paragraph page walked over to their desk as I continued to teach gave the disruptive student the sheet while I was still teaching, pointed to which paragraph they had to write, and I never missed a beat in the lecture. I never had to say a word.

 

There was no anger, no yelling, only the paragraph. I let the consequences do the work. I had great control in my classroom with minimal effort on my part. My students were simply amazed. I loved seeing the look in their eyes when this was happening. We had a lot of fun and freedom in my classroom, but only because I established some very firm boundaries with consequences right from the start.

 

I am just giving you these two examples to say there is a way besides yelling. But without a plan for simple enforcable consequences, you will continue to yell. Be creative. Tigger does not want you to yell at the kids. Please come up with a solution that works.

 

Let us hear from you on what you are working on, and what you are trying in place of the screaming. Let us know what works and what doesn't. You may have to try different things. Most things require some tweaking to get them to really work. Once you feel in control, you will not find yourself screaming. As a leader you need to be calm, confident, and in control.

 

Pooh, I hope this helps. Tigger really needs you to stop yelling.

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Hi my Love. I think you did a great job yesterday. You held the family together and exerted endless energy to get all the things done that you did. Please rest as much as you can today. I know that the therapy people will be in but try to take a nape when you can. I am worried about you wearing your self out and backsliding. We have a very busy and stressful week. I Love you and care about you. Sorry that last night was not a good night for you. I wish I could sprinkle some magic POOH DUST and make you life easier. At last all I can do is be there when you need me to help. you are a wonderful wife and a great blessing to this family. I am sorry for all of the stress and worries in our life. I hope today is easier for you and you can rest. I love you my beautiful wife.

POOH

 

c-2,

 

The yelling is going well. I will work on some changes to make go better. Thanks.

 

For Him For Her,

 

Thanks for the suggestions. I am not sure how to do this. I feel that I have been completely open. I do not think I have hidden anything. I do not have anything I am afraid of or are fear ful of speaking out loud, she is more familiar with my childhood then I am at times, I do have a habit of taking her for granite when she has done things that are a blessing. I have never been a person overflowing with emotions. My family was always on the cold side. I do not know how to tap this side of me. I feel I am always open, I talk about what is bothering me, I am open to talking about anything that she would like (I am even working on being less defensive when she brings things up)(I still need work here though). This has been her big complaint that I do not talk to her. She has a thing she calls PAT (Pick A Topic). I always have a problem of thinking of things to talk about that are not superficial. I feel that when I have a problem I bring it up. I am always willing to talk about the things she wants. she feel that I do not care because I do not have items to talk about. When I try I come up with things like: What do you want for dinner, what do you want to do tomorrow, what do you want for our anniversary, Etc. Because I do not have deep thoughts she thinks I do not care. I do care but am unable to date to enter my emotional side. I need help in being able to reach this side of me. I am cold and analytical in my thought process. if it is not fact based or practical I usually do not think it. What recommendation do you have. I want to meet her needs but do not know how to tap into this side.

 

Thanks for the help folks.

Pooh

[Looney_Tunes]

Hi Pooh, I'm glad you posted that last question. It helps to know what's going on inside your head.

 

You are, by your own admission, cold and analytical. Tigger most definitely is NOT, and so you do need to learn to tap into the emotional side of yourself. It's there, but for some reason it was buried long ago. Time to dig it up.

 

So, when you do your PAT (great idea!), talk about feelings instead of the weather or the price of tea in China. For example, take something that happened in your childhood, but instead of talking about the facts (my older brother accidentally caught me in the eye with a shovel - yes, this happened at my house), talk about how that incident made you feel(it really hurt, and I could tell my mom was scared and she NEVER gets scared about medical stuff, so that made me really scared). She wants to feel your heart, Pooh, not just talk about what she wants for dinner.

 

This will be hard at first. You're not used to thinking about feelings, and it may be hard for you to identify them at the beginning. You know what? Tigger understands, and she will appreciate the effort. She will not care if you use the right words or if you struggle with identifying your feelings. She just wants to see you try.

 

I hope this helps. Tell Tigger I love her and give her a big hug from me (you can give her one from you, too, but no taking credit for mine!).

[C2]

YEAH Pooh!!!

 

That was a great post! I liked the way you were specific and appreciative when you addressed Tigger:

 

You held the family together and exerted endless energy to get all the things done that you did.

 

I also thought your list of apologies on Tigger's thread were very well done. I can't wait to hear the follow up on the ring apology. Is there a Christmas surprise in the air?

 

Thanks for opening up with us and telling us where your struggles are. My DW also struggles with the feelings thing but he has been working on it like you are.

 

If I have an emotional reaction to something, his initial reaction is to want to fix it. He'll say something like, "Well next time we'll just ..." What I really want him to say is something like, "Oh, honey, I can see how I didn't back you up in front of the kids. Yes, I can see how you would feel like I took their side. " Etc. Etc.

 

Can you see the difference between addressing the problem and addressing the feeling? It helps most of us women if you address the feeling first and then the solution might be forthcoming. AND THEN THERE IS THE FOLLOW THROUGH.

 

Pooh, you heard DW on the call being Oh so obstinate a few months ago. He has softened up and becoming much more patient, loving, kind, and attentive. He is becoming patient with me and being the man letting me be the woman and do some venting. I know this has been hard work for him but it is changing something inside of him and he seems more content and satisfied. He feels better about himself and who he is. He is taking responsibility for his part. I have witnessed this amazing change. Lots of bumps but once he put his mind to it, the transformation has been life changing for us. I look up to him and admire him more. We have more issues to work on, but now we have the tools in place to work on them. You can do this too. You are already making progress.

 

From your latest post I would say you are making up your mind to do this too. The journey did not begin until you decided to do it. We are on this same journey at the same time. You are doing this!!!

 

How is the follow through coming? How did Tigger feel about your apology letter? Keep us posted. We are all out here cheering for you.

[For Him For Her]

Pooh,

 

Most people who "think" they can not tap into that part of themselves are usually protecting themselves from something. Normal healthy people do not have this issue. I was sexually molested for years as a teen. I learn to shut down emotions in order to not to have to deal with the pain living inside. By doing this, I shut off ALL emotions and access to those places.

 

What were the results? I had multiple affairs with multiple women during my first marriage. It wasn't until I opened that part of me back up and dealt with all the stored up feelings that I was able to conquer my sexual addiction to women. It also stopped the cold calculated thoughts and actions which went along with the rest of my behavior.

 

I never cheated on my Beautiful but there still were places that were shut off. It was those places left shut which caused my marriage to her to fail. I didn't have a clue I was even a bad husband but women don"t divorce good husbands and here I sit typing to you ALONE in my house. You have an incredibly courageous wife, living and breathing and wanting, living in your home. I envy you but at the same time I feel very sad for you. You have it all in the palm of your hand and you are going to let it all go away because" I don't know how to tap into that part of me".

 

Guess what? There are many people who get paid money to help people just like you. Most insurances cover these kind of issues. I am sure if you truly wanted to know how; you would contact one of these people and ask them for help because your marriage is on the line and you do NOT want to lose your wife. Sitting on your duff doing nothing and hoping God will bring you all the answer is only going to get you one thing. It's going to leave you divorced and ALL alone. Trade ya any day!

 

God Bless

David